I'm a registered member but I forgot my password, Ill reregister later. But anyway, I forgot to add water in this song, but ill be a rebel and leave it out :P I don't know if its any good, so you guys be the judge. and I love criticism (that will be useful to me) so don't be afraid to say exactly what you feel!
Look at the sky
Can you see the air?
You can feel it, so you know it's there
Look down at Mom
Earth has swallowed me whole
Though you may not see me, I'm still here
The wind may pass through
But never does it change
Whether strong or cold
It blows in the same way
And for me and you, life is the same
Memories still pass through every day
Though fire does burn
And fire does kill
Fire is then born and will live as it will
Keep my flame alive, and watch me pass through
Breathe me in through the smoke and i will exhale throughout you
Okay, you asked for it!
I think it's a very poetic song. Also very unusual structure, which I always like to see.
But I don't follow "Keep my flame alive" to "watch me pass through", the step may be too big here. I don't understand this as it is.
There's a thin line between vague and poetic, a wise man once said.
I love the last line though.
Just an idea: you might add some line about the flame getting "extinguished in the sea of time".
You wouldn't be a rebel anymore though because there is water mentioned ;-)
Love,
Chris.
I agree that this is a poetic piece.
The "Mom" surprised me; it's interesting and adds voice.
I was a little puzzled over the lines:
Though fire does burn
And fire does kill
Fire is then born and will live as it will
The "then" in the last line doesn't seem quite appropriate. Perhaps something about "give fire life to live as it will"?
Also, if you so desired, I potentially see an extra triplet in the beginning about water rushing and drowning in it, or something of the sort.
Nice piece,
silly putty
