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SSG Weeks 9and 10 MP3 Added

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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
Topic starter  

Hey Sunday Songwriters! Long time no see :lol: ! The muse eluded me thru most of 2014. Although I've checked the topic faithfully every week, I haven't been able to come up with more than a line or 2 each week. ( I have saved all those lines for future use, though!) On Saturday I was riding in the car when "I Want Candy" came on the radio. I haven't been able to get that Bo Diddly beat out of my head! Pulled out my one line from last week, and thankfully, was able to come out with a complete song.
The nature of this beat is such that you can keep adding verses on the fly. It just keeps on going! Not sure when I'll get a recording of this up but I present, for your approval:

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13022770

Love is What Happens When You're not Looking

Another New Year has just begun
Time for another ride around the sun
Made another promise this year would be better
Wrote all down in a New Years letter

My old man's got hair to his shoulders
Looking kinda gray since he's getting older
He's not tryin to set the world on fire
All he wants is to reitre.

He goes to work and I do the cookin
Love is what happens when you're not lookin.
Love is what happens when you're not lookin

My old man's not built for speed
But he gives me everything that I need
So I'm still going thru the classified pages
Looking for a job with decent wages

If I had a dollar for each of my worries
that old man could retire in a hurry
We'd move somewhere that's nice and sunny
And I'd give him all of my money

I'l go to work and he'll do the cookin
Love is what happens when people aren't lookin
Love is what happens when people aren't lookin.

Another new year is just beginning
Just want to feel like maybe I'm winning
I'll tell everyone where they can stick it
When I get a winning lottery ticket!

We'll hire someone else to do all the cookin
Love is what happens when you're not lookin
Love is what happens when you're not lookin
Yeah love is what happens when you're not lookin
K Reichert
1/12/15

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Kathy,

Good start :D Nice groove and delivery on the vocals. It moves along well.

Suggestions: Consider focusing the verses on the title. Right now it seems like the lyrics are trying to cover too many topics and are not supporting a key concept/title.

I see the following topics:

#1
Desire for change- new year, he to retire, she to work, she to hit the lotto, just want to feel like she’s winning

#2
Growing old- gray hair, wants to retire, not built for speed

#3
Financial concerns- this year be better, can’t retire, looking for a job, if I had a $1...worries, wanting to win the lotto

#4
Caring for each other- he goes to work she cooks

So while the same people have all these elements, there is nothing pulling the elements together to support the title (main idea)….while #4 does support the title, a lot of other lines that don’t.

One possible combination is to use seasons as symbolic of changes and tell what they do for each other in each season…showing love is in the little things done all year…. Love is What Happens When You're not Looking

For example….Summer he barbecues, she cut wild flowers for the dining room table
Winter he shovels the snow; she make hot cocoa etc…..

Also, they could both be working menial jobs to show the financial concerns; she is a waitress and he is a bartender….and they both song writers……then the chorus could he writes the lyrics and she sings the melody…this would reinforce their shared relationship.

Take or toss as you wish ;)

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Kathy

And "welcome back," "Happy New Year," and "long time no see / hear" to you, too!

I love the simplicity of the chorus. First item on my 2015 "wish I'd written that" list. But I'm also with James in that the simplicity of this gets a little lost with everything else. Not that this is necessary a bad thing, life is certainly layered enough.

But I think the last verse especially suffers a bit from it - not the "winning the lottery" idea in the verse but rather the "hire someone else to do the cooking" in the chorus. Because both love and cooking are almost synonymous in this context, bringing in someone else seems quite the intrusion to both the love and the cooking as set up in the first two verses. A possible tweak might simply be like this:
Another new year is just beginning
Just want to feel like maybe I'm winning
I'll tell everyone where they can stick it
When I get a winning lottery ticket!

We'll never work again but we'll still do all the cookin'
Love is what happens when you're not lookin'

Just a thought.

Love the music, too, by the way.

And, as always, looking forward to more. Hopefully 2015 will be a great year for songwriting.

Peace


   
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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
Topic starter  

Thanks to both of you gentlemen! I agree the last verse was a re-write and I wasn't altogether happy with it. That's why it goes up here, to get some suggestions for tweaking!
I'll be adjusting this one for sure, and I think this might be the next original the band takes on.

Kathy

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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