SSG WK 40 The Flame and the Moth

Broken Doll's post:

Hello,

Here's my song. Hope you like it.

Still working on the music. Right now the verses feel quite harsh and tense, and I might try a second guitar to get a contrast thing going. But the chorus is slow and gentle. Imagine a raw high voice singing the verses, dropping back to very slow and kind of soft and husky for the chorus bit. I tried to do a rough sketch of the music, but it sounded pretty bad using someone else's guitar and amp.

I see it as sort of general gentle/violent, good/evil, star-crossed lover kind of vibe. Maybe Samson and Delilah meets Romeo and Juliet.

The Flame and the Moth

Screaming at the sightless sun, he burns with melting rage.
His shattered eyes are upward turned, and blood and tears are mixed.
Panting like a dying beast, with scarred and muscled chest.
I feel his breath consume my fate with hot and angry gasps.

And all I do is sigh
And all I do is sigh

My tattered wings are flightless now, trampled by his strength.
His urgent force has crushed my soul and torn my heart apart.
The night now closes on us both, with fire and hail and wind.
He writhes and roars, his life force fades, and slowly ebbs away.

And all I do is sigh
And all I do is sigh

Our flesh has touched and truly mixed but couldn't ever bind.
He was the howling reckless beast and I the fragile moth.
Our love could never last the day, the joy was too intense.
My star explodes and paints the sky with fierce and caustic light.

And all I do is sigh
And all I do is sigh

BTW, I showed it to my stupid brother and he said it sounded like a Gothic chick singing about her first grope with the local bikie after a drunken afternoon at the pub. But then beer and sex seems to be what he thinks everything is about. :evil: What do you think?

See ya. BD. :)

Hey Chris & Broken Doll

I'm not sure who to respond to here.

Good piece.

I like the chorus kind of give it a feel of
resignation .

I think Broken Doll should sign up on GN and start visiting us regulary.

As for the stupid brother, He may not be that far off many great
songs have been written about alcohol and sex

Celt

Phew, thanks mate! :)

I was afraid that nobody was going to reply, and I was going to have to make something up when I was questioned. Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been rung yet!

From memory you need to register to view the forum, so I'm going to have to relay the comments. The decision not to register yet has something to doing with exams. Fair enough too, I know that once I register at a forum I can guarantee to waste a LOT of hours over the next few weeks. :shock:

I'm sure that the hoped for response was along the lines of "It rocks", "That is sooooo ******* " (whatever the word is these days! 8) ) but I had prepared a few dummy responses along the lines of:

"Shows a lot of promise, but needs a bit more reworking"
"Somewhat over-wrought in the imagery department but good drive and contrasts"

And so on! :wink:

Oh and I WON'T do that again I promise (post her songs) - it's too clumsy. And I'm not going to spend the week passing comments backwards and forwards. Just hard to resist the suggestion on the day. :P

Personally, I thought it was perhaps a touch too colourful, and there were a fair few cliches in it (probably a positive bonus in a pop song..) but I actually grew to rather like it after a few reads. :wink:

Any other quick comments along the lines of "It rocks" "It's pretty wild", "In your dreams girl..", "Don't give up your day job", "As a songwriter you'd make a good bricklayer," etc will be gratefully received and passed on. :)

hey Broken Doll....;)

I do really like it(and yes, that's an image -moth and flame- I am very fond of and have used a lot myself) and have to second the celt's comment about the chorus.
gotta say that I can almost hear this song in my head and I'm curious to see if it differs a lot from how you imagine it to be like, so if you'll ever post the recording, that'd be great. I'd be interested to hear it:)

well done, would be nice to see you around here more often(after your exams or whatever)
cheers,
bluenightangel

Hey Broken Doll,

I like your song, structurally I think your right on the money. The imagey is great although my only critisism would be that Im not sure if the beast is a metaphor the flame which is a metaphor for a lover (maybe an old flame?). I think your brother might not be too far off the mark
about her first grope with the local bikie. I see it as a bit more passionate than that, the sigh could be because of a love than has/had no future. Anyway I think this is great :D .

pb

Thanks for the comments, :)

I don't have BDs number, but I rang my niece J this morning to catch her before she went off to school so that I could pass them on.

I was expecting a fairly excited reaction as we'd all had some fun with the song and all contributed a few changes.

Wrong! She didn't actually say “The song? Wow, that was sooooooo last week dude…” but that was the general idea.

It must be the age gap. :shock: I still take on projects that last for weeks, and in some case years (like designing and building our house) whereas for them the song was a big deal for a few hours, or days, and then dead by Monday. Well perhaps not dead, but already fading into the past. And that's fine too. :)

Pbee,

Your comments about the Beast/Flame thing were spot on. When BD first jotted down the words for us it was called The Butterfly and the Beast. Over the course of the afternoon it became the Beast and the Dove (having briefly tried Hummingbird, Ladybird and Angel) and I think the Beast may have had a short stint as The Phoenix?? Moth wasn't really considered glamorous enough, and would have probably got the chop too if we hadn't run out of time. :wink:

If I got it right, the Beast was suppose to be a HOT (yet cool 8) ), dangerous, attractive, risk taking kind of boy with the heroine sort of…. well.... extra cool, and sighing a lot, I think.

We did have a lot of fun with the chorus. I had no idea how much emphasis (and sheer length of time) a real expert can put into a sigh! We had quite a contest to see who could do the longest and most expressive sighs for the chorus and I was… like… nowhere … in the hunt. :lol:

Hi Chris

At first glance I saw long verses and a short Chorus and thought to myself what are you doing , but hey I was wrong . Let me see if I have this right Broken Doll wrote it you posted it and giving her the feed back ?
she will sign up later in the year , have I got it ?

Really it does not matter who wrote it who posted it but thanks for doing so Chris .The following is my favouite as it has such imagery and feeling

"Screaming at the sightless sun, he burns with melting rage.
His shattered eyes are upward turned, and blood and tears are mixed.
Panting like a dying beast, with scarred and muscled chest.
I feel his breath consume my fate with hot and angry gasps. "

that is soo creative and original well done , would love to hear it :wink:

cheers

L.K :arrow:

Hey,

Just chiming in with the rest... Yeah, there's a lot of over-imagery and mixed-imagery, but that comes with being comfortable enough in your own skin to let the idea stand on its own. She'll grow into it.

As far as not being able to see the comments, I pretty sure anyone can browse the forums. I had been lurking for a while before I joined. (I remeber wanting to post a reply to a song about the moon, an upside down tree and a desert. I tried to post but then realised I had to join.)

As far as not being able to see the comments, I pretty sure anyone can browse the forums.

Oddly enough that hasn't been my experience. Nearly every forum I've been to allows unlogged or unregistered lurking, but not this one.

When I first came here a couple of weeks ago I tried to read the posts but couldn't get past the basic list that shows all the various sub-forums. I couldn't actually reach any of them.

Just in case that was a one-off, or a mistake on my part, I just tried it again on my wife's computer and it was the same deal. If I tried to access the areas where the posts are I just got the log-in screen.

Doesn't matter anyway. The girls seemd to have moved on to other things this week, and they can always look next time they visit. :)

I didn't see it as gothic at all....more a sort of angst-ridden, soft blues/rock ballad....the imagery's pretty much spot on, and I like the short, sharp and to-the-point chorus....

Anyway, sounds like you had a lot of fun doing it!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic