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SSG Y10W1 - Renee Brown Canyon Ranch, You Take Me Back

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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

It was so tempting to write about Tombstone and the gunfight at the OK Corral. But that was too obvious, so I wrote about another area here in SE Arizona.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11182669

BROWN CANYON RANCH, YOU TAKE ME BACK

verse:

I stand on your porch where many have stood.
I admire the pond from the house of rough wood.
Plastic pipes have replaced the iron
But the water still springs from high up the mountain.
Where the wilderness is marked with a sign.
Back then the wilderness had no line.

The signs warn us now: stay away from the mine.
The house that stood below it is gone with the time.
A rusted old oven, some steps, broken glass
And the garbage from those who pass.
If we listen and watch we could still see a deer
Or the footprints of a bear.

We climb higher and higher, leave the city behind.
Though not far away, it's in another time.
We rest a while by the gentle stream,
Each of us lost in our dreams.
We descend to the car and drive away
To return to the present day.

chorus:

Brown Canyon Ranch, you take me back
To when you were a homestead and long before that.
Though the work was hard and some didn't survive.
I long for that simpler life.

Renee


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Renee

Really enjoyed this song. It's got a great melody and flow and there's a lot of terrific material here. The key change before the last verse is a nice touch as well.

Some of the lines seem a little rough in terms of meter - trying to get each word to fit into the melody you've created doesn't seem natural, so you may want to do a bit of trimming. Some of that may be accomplished by making the lines a little more conversational and a little less stylized. For example:

The signs warn us now: stay away from the mine.
The house that stood below it is gone with the time.

Could become:

The signs warn us now: stay away from the mine.
The old house below has collapsed over time

Another example would be the first half of the second line of the chorus (one of my favotites, by the way - the "long before that" is an inspired near-rhyme and does a wonderful job conveying an image with total understatement). Currently it sounds forced and unnatural. A little editing could help there, something like:

Brown Canyon Ranch, you take me back
To those old homestead days and long before that.

As always, this is just my two cents (a veritible fortune back in the day!). I enjoyed your song a lot. Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Thanks. I totally agree that I have some meter problems. I wrote the lyrics first and then the music. My first draft was very difficult to sing. This version is a little better, but still needs some work. I found myself getting out of breath in places.

Renee


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Renee,

Great job! :mrgreen: You music really fits the mood well. I really like these lines:
Back then the wilderness had no line.....
A rusted old oven, some steps, broken glass
And the garbage from those who pass.
I found myself getting out of breath in places.
Though not a "requirement", that's the great thing about making the mp3....where the rubber meets the road....when we stop at lyrics, a lot of the "flow" gets over looked.

Keep up the great job! :D

James


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Yeah, lyrics can look good on paper, but they have to work with the music and not sound like you're trying to squeeze them into it. So I rewrote a few lines. I'm also dropping the key(s) one and a half steps. When I started writing the song, it didn't include a key change. I think dropping down will make the lyrics easier to understand. I'm hoping to re-record soon.

New lyrics:

verse:

I stand on your porch where many have stood.
I admire the pond from the house of rough wood.
Plastic pipes that once were iron
But the water still springs from high up the mountain.
Where the wilderness is marked with a sign.
Back then the wilderness had no line.

The signs warn us now: stay away from the mine.
The house below disappeared over time.
A rusted old oven, some steps, broken glass
And the garbage from those who have passed.
If we listen and watch we could still see a deer
Or the footprints of a bear.

We climb higher and higher, leave the city behind.
Though not far away, we're in another time.
We rest a while by the gentle stream,
Each of us lost in our dreams.
We descend to the car and drive away
To return to the present day.

chorus:

Brown Canyon Ranch, you take me back
To homestead days and long before that.
Though the work was hard and some didn't survive.
I long for that simpler life.

Renee


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
 

I know you have good stuff here since I can really picture the scene.

Some ideas:
At the beginning it seems like your talking to the house, but in the chorus you address the ranch, and sometimes seem to discuss a group of people.

I have a couple of ideas for improving the flow of the lyrics.
"I stand on your porch where many have stood
admiring the pond from the house of rough wood"

Or how about some clever fiction to add some more emotion in

"I stand on the porch where grandma once stood
admiring her pond the same way she would"
and so on

taking our some of the connector words in the chorus could allow for breathing and phrasing
"Brown Canyon Ranch, take me back
to homestead day, long before that
the work was hard, some didn't survive
I long for that simpler life"

Dave


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Thanks, Dave. I've taken some of your suggestions and some that I received earlier. I've got to say that I'm pretty happy with the way this turned out. What I'm calling the final version is now posted on Soundclick:

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11191827

Renee


   
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(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Good job Renee. Lot's of evocative images and the final version gets the continuity of focus working well (as per LavaDave's suggestions). Interesting how quite small changes can make all the difference. :D

Cheers,

Chris


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Renee,

I just heard the newer version. The sound is coming along nicely and the lyrics flowed better.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James


   
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(@nicktorres)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 5381
 

hi Renee, i know you said you had what you were thinking of as final, but I'll give my two cents anyway. i think you need to define the story behind the song better and try to incorporate that into the lyrics. it's not that is poorly defined, not at all, it's that you lose focus, or the perspective of the teller. who is telling this story? why? rather than telling me abstractly that you could see a deer or bear, why not find an antler or see the footprint? what you've got is good but not finished. keep on going.


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Yes, Nick, "finished" is a relative term. At one point, I started to write much more about the history of the place and the people who lived there and then decided that it was getting way too long. It is an actual place and the song is written from the perspective of me. I go there a lot to hike with friends.

I'm adding this little intro:

"There's a place where we hike and go back to the past
From the twenty-first century to the one before last."

And I'm changing the last 2 lines in the 2nd verse to this:

"If we listen and watch we sometimes see deer
Or the footprints of a bear."

Renee


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

For anybody who isn't sick of reading various versions of the lyrics and listening to previous recordings, I've posted the FINAL (yes, really final) version of "Brown Canyon Ranch, You Take Me Back." Added an intro, changed a few words and found a way to do the key change that I like better. This time I also recorded through my Carvin Stagemate PA to the Zoom H2 instead of directly into the Zoom H2. The guitar (Gibson LC-1 acoustic-electric) sounds a lot cleaner. I think I need to cut back on the highs on the vocal mic. I freely admit that I don't know what I'm doing with the limited equipment that I have. Before I think about buying anything more complicated, I'm more likely to invest in more instruments.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=832466&songID=11200705

Renee


   
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(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Well, I'm not sick of hearing new versions. :D

That was a very pretty tune and impressively played and sung. I don't think it matters how many times you revisit a song and polish and revise. Sometimes a very small extra twist, or a small change of a word can make all the difference. I recall reading a well known song-writer (can't recall who) talking about one of his hits and saying that he waited months for a single word! The song just wasn't right until he replaced one word with the one that he really felt that he'd been seeking. Some days the vocals just 'sing' with that extra something that wasn't there before too. I'm not sure there's ever a final version... :wink:

You should be proud of the job you did there. :)

Cheers,

Chris


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
Topic starter  

Thanks, Chris. Yes, I am proud of this one. It can still use some work. But not bad for going from a vague idea to a complete song in one week.

Renee


   
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