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SSG Year 11 Week 42 (two assignments, actually)

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(@bluenotefla)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 76
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This is a combination of two assignments The address and take a Tennessee Williams paly Title and write a song I have nt reorded it yet it is going to ve a spoken word pice with a Bass line and the words and that is it .

In the Bar of a Tokyo Hotel

I meet her on a dark, dank, cold night
She was standing in the glow of a cold blue light
Her hair black as the night she came from
Her soul ever darker then that
I meet her in a bar of a Tokyo hotel

She left me a tore and broken a shell of a man
She cut my bleeding heart out and spit it right back at me
Look, smiled, and said,
The horses run again at a quarter of three
She laughed and said you get nothing for free
I meet her in a bar of a Tokyo hotel

Well I think I’ll head to the cross roads to see what I can see
Where maybe I’ll meet the man I thought I’d be
Or perhaps I’ll meet the devil and see what I can see
Or maybe I’ll play the ponies at a quarter to three

Yea I meet her in a hotel bar on a cold Tokyo night
Her eyes were haunting, her touch as cold as ice
Her behavior reprehensible, she never thinks twice
Her soul tormented, as she takes off another slice

She laughed and said you get nothing for free
Now let’s go watch them ponies run at a quarter of three
You know if you want to meet the devil he hangs out on the corner
Of 56th and Whazee

You see he’s the bar tender in that Tokyo hotel
He looks at you, smiles and say’s
Oh what the hell have another anit nobody gona tell
I meet her in a bar of a Tokyo hotel

Life is not what you did. It's what you are doing.


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Good start :D You have some very nice concrete details that help set the mood.

Suggestion: Consider refining all the image to stay in the moment of the singer at the bar.

Example of pulling me out of the scene " a tore and broken a shell of a man".....shell makes me think of a seaside/beach, and shells don't really tear as much as crack or break.......but what in the bar gets used up and/or discarded that could help describe his feeling?.....What are bar trash cans/dumpsters filled with by the end of the night.....use those images to describe his emotions.....

here too, " I’ll head to the cross roads " I picture a hotel bar in Japan being in the middle of the city with heavy traffic where as cross roads seems more a rural geographic reference.

Also, I'm not sure how a Japanese bar and horse racing/gambling fit together, but they both seem to be important aspects to the singer......maybe just consider you might be limiting your audience to those who have a background knowledge of the connection.

In all, it's an interesting idea. I'd be even more intrigued if it is based on actual events/locations.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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