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SSG Year 5 Week 10 - sarah

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(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

Hello to everyone -

I contributed to this group for a bit about four(!) years ago, but dropped out for time concerns. I found it to be difficult and frustring at times, but a most fruitful endeavor. In 2007, I hope to honor my creativity more and hence I'm excited to be back here where I know it will be fostered.

When I thought about this assignment, the first thing that came to mind was the new beginning after a relationship. My idea book had a great phrase, "next to nothing to hide", that I had always thought would make a great title, so I started thinking about beginning again after an affair.

That said, here's my week 10 assignment:

Next to Nothing to Hide

VERSE:
I didn't see that last one coming
And it hit me broadside
Swamping the boat of my judgment
Throwing my best sense over the side

I watched was my brazen heart
Slipped the tethers of my mind
And floated into your temptation
I feel myself compromised

CHORUS:
I know perfection's not an answer
To any question I pose
And I'm getting off this roller coaster ride
With next to nothing to hide

VERSE:
So we lounged on the mattress of summer
Consumed in sensuality
And under our illicit passion
It moans so rhythmically

Concealing the small signs
I keep your name inside
Cramming connection in between the lines
With all the rest we have to hide

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
Vilified
And preoccupied
By my indignity
In this unexpected reality

INTERLUDE

VERSE:
Then my better sense righted itself
Though nothing changed from the outside
I start a timid conversation
As my inner selves collide

Slow sadness seeps into my eyes
In between the times I cry
I start to pull away from you
Knowing what I have to decide

CHORUS


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Sarah,
Welcome back to the forum. I like the nautical metaphor you've got going in there, and in fact I would suggest that to you stay with just that. This line:
And I'm getting off this roller coaster ride
Although you could argue was nautical what happened to me was an image of a roller coaster at a fair ground. Also this line:
So we lounged on the mattress of summer
Maybe
So we lounged on the deck of summer
All in all I like you have here, maybe a couple of meter issues, but nice job.

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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