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SSG Year 5 Week 11 - Sarah

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sarah
(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

I really enjoyed this assignment and looking for cliches was great fun. (In the category of funny but WRONG was the cliche "shaken like a baby." Not right!)

The cliche that struck me was "even a stopped clock is right twice a day." It sounds either angry or wistful and demanded an AAA song format.

After last week's lyrical complexity, I wanted to do something shorter and simpler and these lyrics came relatively quickly to me. Not sure what that means...

Even a Stopped Clock

VERSE:
She was tired of lonely
Though it wasn't quite love
He was paradise for cheap
Overwhelmingly good enough
He had a few quirks
But what could she say?
Even a stopped clock
Is right twice a day

VERSE:
He saw himself captain
And she was the crew
Whatever he said
She was to do
Those few times he was right
What could she say?
Even a stopped clock
Is right twice a day

INTERLUDE

VERSE:
The cats were their first fight
Then the kids and the house
He started on money
And then she got out
Life's lesson learned
What can she say?
Even a stopped clock
Is right twice a day


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Nice writing, Sarah...

I like the way you've resisted the temptation to fill the song full of cliches, and concentrated on one and built the song around it....there's a nice logical progressio to the song, beginning > middle > end. I normally try and get some kind of rhythm going in my head or on a guitar when I'm reading a song, I don't know what you have in mind for the music but something like "Life In The Fast Lane" seemed to fit...

Any music yet? Any plans to record?

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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lavadave
(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 54
 

Clever. For some reason as I was reading through I wanted to repeat the last lines of each verse again. With a good instrumental hook between the verses this song could come across really strong. Nice work.


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Sarah

As mentioned, there's a lot of powerful stuff here and I think you make great use of the cliche as a tag line to the verses. In my ears, this would work great in many styles, but for some reason it's leaning toward Dylan or country. Probably would be a great mid-tempo power-pop song as well.

The only suggestion I'd make is in the first verse. The fourth line seems (on reading) to be a real bear to sing:
She was tired of lonely
Though it wasn't quite love
He was paradise for cheap
Overwhelmingly good enough

Maybe simplifying it a bit would help:
She was tired of lonely
Though it wasn't quite love
He was paradise for cheap
He wasn't good, just good enough
Just a thought.

Looking forward to more!

Peace


   
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sarah
(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

Vic, I like this one enough to start noodling with some music to it. My life's crazy go nuts busy right now, but it's definitely on the list.

Lavadave, thank you for the vote of confidence. I want the music to be as strong as the lyrics and your comment about a good instrumental hook is well taken.

David, you've hit exactly on the one line that bothered me a bit. I think the sentiment expressed by "overwhelmingly" is close to perfect, but the word feels a bit much for the line. I think the music and melody will tell me if/how I need to change it.

BTW, during the brief stint in 2004 when I was writing in this group, you complimented one of my songs and I have held on to that ever since. I love your writing, knowledge, and humor so it meant a good deal to me. :)


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Sarah,
this is good, I just cant help wondering though if there isnt something else, only because when I read it I just want a bit more. I think Daves suggestion of repeating the last line might have some merit, depends on what it sounds like really.

She was tired of lonely
Though it wasn't quite love
He was paradise for cheap
Overwhelmingly good enough
He had a few quirks
But what could she say?
Even a stopped clock
Is right twice a day
It's right twice a day

Because were talking about twice, to repeat the line wouldn't be out of keeping. Also "It's right twice a day" draws us back from the cliche to your reality.

Nice job
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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Olav
 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 150
 

Sarah
I really like this. I think it has a great Country feel to it. I would like to see a chorus to tie it together. ….a little chorus…a little fiddle…sound like Dixie Chicks to me.
But hey, the AAA works for me to :)
Blessings. Olav


   
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