SSG Year 9 - Week 16

I'll echo Peter's critique - there's a lot of good in here.

Structurally speaking, it reads long, but that doesn't mean it will be when it becomes a song. You've got all the makings for great verses, but I'd like to suggest using what's currently the last verse as your chorus:
I recall the day I went to get you, Willa.
It was a long, hard pull against the tide.
But I'm so glad I rowed across to Little Harbour
and brought you home to be my bride.

Your first verse is wonderful. It does an excellent job of setting everything up as well as bringing the listener right into the scene. I'm not really sure you need the verse about the meat peddlar. It really doesn't add all that much to the narrative that can't be read into it from the other verses. Plus it's nice how all the other verses mention either Willa or the rest of the family.

The two stanzas that are currently six lines each could be used as a bridge. You could play one before and one after a short musical break (solo, if you will) that should be verse stanza long. Two tops.

So slightly rearranging what you've got, you could have the following, which would be more in a typical song format:
A winter storm is roaring down from Labrador.
I've had a cold, hard day out on the sea.
My left shoulder pains from pulling lobster traps.
I thought the waves would swamp the Phyllis E.

I don't think I can ever tell you, Willa,
how very good it is to me,
to see you sitting by the pantry door,
churning yellow butter on your knee.

I recall the day I went to get you, Willa.
It was a long, hard pull against the tide.
But I'm so glad I rowed across to Little Harbour
and brought you home to be my bride.

It makes my hands feel better, Willa,
the smell of your rising bread.
Put on your jacket, Til.
Bring an armload of wood in from the shed.

Harry, set my boots to dry
on the open oven door.
Carol, lift your little sister
off the chilly floor.

I recall the day I went to get you, Willa.
It was a long, hard pull against the tide.
But I'm so glad I rowed across to Little Harbour
and brought you home to be my bride.

I thought I wouldn't make it
back to Jones's Harbour,
that this would be the day I die.
The codfish stew is tasty, Willa.
Could you cut me another slice
of Martha Washington pie?

INSTRUMENTAL STANZA (OR TWO)

Sit down at the organ, Willa,
play Whispering Hope for me.
You sing soprano, I'll sing the bass.
I want to warm my back
against the parlor stovepipe
I want to watch the lamplight
on the curves of your face.

I recall the day I went to get you, Willa.
It was a long, hard pull against the tide.
But I'm so glad I rowed across to Little Harbour
and brought you home to be my bride.

I'll also agree with Peter that putting words to music may at first be difficult, but it's really something you want to do, especially since we're talking about making these lines become song lyrics! His suggestion to first try using old familiar folk songs is a good one. It certainly served many a famous songwriter well.

This was wonderful and I'm looking forward to reading more and, hopefully, getting to hear them as fully realized songs.

Peace

Thank you, blind kiwi and dhodge for your nourishing remarks!

I have tried to put a tune to one part of Willa. It's in the key of G so the F's are sharp. ('G' is on the G string, but 'g' is one octave up.)

D B c d c B A B
Sit down at the organ, Willa,

A c c c c B E
play Whispering Hope for me.

A A A A G F F E D
You sing soprano, I'll sing the bass.

A A B c B A
I want to warm my back

G G A G F F E
against the parlor stovepipe

D D E F E D C
I want to watch the lamplight

A B C C D B
on the curves of your face.

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Question: I'm working just now on something more structured called Green Toenails. Is it ok to submit a piece that isn't an assignment?

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Question: How can I get my song title to show in the board index? Last couple of times, I tried writing it into the subject slot (I think?)
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This isn't a song, it's a comment on the stricture of structure:

Bulges and Lumps

Trying to stuff my words
into the structure of a song
is like trying to stuff a whole pig
into a sausage casing.
I tell you -
this is a daunting task
I'm facing.

My sentences have a mind of their own -
they tend to go on and on.
The best of my rhymes
come into my head
when I'm lying in bed
and then, when I want them,
they're gone.

My speed is too slow
or else it races
and I get bulges and lumps
in unexpected places.

Bulges and lumps,
strings and clumps,
but don't try to stop me,
I'm on a spree.
I'm writing a song
for the SSG.

Regards, from Grrr

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Hi again, Wilhemina

Seccond question first: The reason you're not getting the titles into your posts is that you're not creating your own posts. You're responding to my post and then I'm separating it out after you do that.

When you're ready to post a song, click on "New Topic" on the SSG page and then post away. It will ask you for a title for your post first thing. And you can add it to this one by clicking on "edit" at the first post.

First question: We try to keep the SSG for assignments only, simply because it would get very cluttered very fast otherwise. We do have a forum section called "Guitar Noise Songwriters Club" where you can post any song that you're working on. It's not always as active as the SSG in regard to feedback since feedback is a big part of participating in the SSG.

As for structure, much as anyone who considers him or herself artistic cringes at the thought of structure, songs have had much of the same structure for hundreds of years. Still, there's a surprising amount that one can do to play and stretch and get beyond the structure. However, when one is dealing with only lyrics on a page, it's hard to imagine what they are going to sound like as a song and having an idea of a structure really helps.

This is especially important as rhyhm and meter play such a big part in songs. When one stanza of written lines seems significantly different than the rest, knowing how it's going to fit into the song makes it easier to have a grasp of how the completed song will fit together.

It's actually interesting that if you follow the careers of songwriters, many start out writing songs as if they were paid by the word and as they grow and mature they start using fewer and fewer words and somehow manage to convey even more. The first verse of this song of yours is a great example of that. Some writers would insist on more of a backstory, from everything about the color of the sky during the storm to why the boat is called the Phyllis E. You've created a great picture by trusting your listener to fill in a lot of the blanks. That kind of interaction with the audience doesn't come as easily if they are trying to hear and understand a hundred more words in three minutes' time.

Peace

Hi Wilhelmina,

Great start :D
My favorite parts are the v1 and these lines that really seem to convey intimacy in a unique way
"I want to watch the lamplight
on the curves of your face."

Looks like some excellent feedback already :D Not much to add just to encourage you that you're descriptive details really shine and like Dave said - puts you ahead of the game in a lot of ways.....just keep at it.....I know for myself when I felt I wasn't getting something, I thought it was all on me, but sometimes hearing something explained from a new teacher or different author can finally "click". Keep exploring and reading until you find something that clicks....and just by mere process of doing, patterns of what works or doesn't work for you will surface.....That's what I've really appreciated about the weekly assignments...to think outside my own default patterns or ideas.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James

This paints a very nice picture of life back then. :) That is half the battle! Except for the references to fishing, this displays a nice scene of my grandparent's life as well, and they farmed on the prairies. I liked this very much, and if it was structured more like a song I think it would be great.

There are several good lines in this. The 'lamplight' one was mentioned already; I also liked the part about 'sit down at the organ Willa and play Whispering Hope for me'. Nice!

You said putting words to music is a game you don't know how to play, however I see you do know as you have come up with a melody for part of it. :) It is a start! Structurally, it could use some work and you've been given some excellent suggestions already.

There are a few parts I am feeling a bit of disconnect such as,

It makes my hands feel better, Willa,
the smell of your rising bread.

...and maybe it is just me. I'm just not so clear on what the smell of bread rising has to do with his hands.

And the following part, the thoughts didn't seem to flow as well as maybe they could. One moment he is talking about his day at work, and then next the stew. I do know some people talk like that (I am probably one of them! lol), but relating the thoughts in some way might work better. Like, it was cold out there and this warm stew is hitting the spot, sort of thing, or just make this section about one or the other. However, maybe this is the way the person in this song really talked and was and how it is written is letting his personality shine through so there is always that to consider. Just thought I'd mention it though.

I thought I wouldn't make it
back to Jones's Harbour,
that this would be the day I die.
The codfish stew is tasty, Willa.
Could you cut me another slice
of Martha Washington pie?

Good luck with this one, you have some great material to work with here, and received some excellent suggestions from some of the other posters to help you along with the creation of this song. :)

Hello, Wilhelmina, just thought I'd throw my thoughts in to the mix and welcome you to the SSG, even though you've been here a couple of weeks or so now....

It's always nice to see some one trying their hand at writing for the first time, and while you've probably been writing songs for a while, it's probably the first time you've written to order, so to speak - and it's a great start.

You have a wonderful command of imagery - you can set a scene and I can SEE it in my mind's eye. I can imagine this song set to a finger-picked acoustic guitar backing track, though it might not fit with the period you're thinking of. There are a couple of things I don't quite get (Martha Washington pie, and the song Whispering Hope) - one because I'm English, the other because I don't know the song) - but the overall mood's almost perfect.

I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you - so welcome, again, and stick around!

:D :D :D

Vic