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SSG Yr6 Wk5 - Beautiful

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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
Topic starter  

A folk song based on that warm feeling of a pub jam session when it's cold outside and after a couple of pints everyone looks attractive.

Beautiful

November, looking back
seeing all things clear
standing at the gates of the Winter
Summer's memories fading with the light
close to friends on lengthening nights

Beautiful, beautiful
everything beautiful

Scarfed against the cold breeze
I watched the wood smoke curl
up from the fires in the gardens
prickly creatures rolled for their long sleep
underground and all's complete

Chorus

Cobwebs in the dewed grass
dripping crimson thorns
glistening along the canal path
frost-encrusted ditches splinter at my feet
everything is beautiful

Chorus

And in the humour
and warmth and well-fed friends
we play our songs in the evenings
I watched her stand and smile a little shy but strong
everything was beautiful

Chorus

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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Montezuma
(@montezuma)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 121
 

Hi,
Very evocative I love the winter imagery.

Its only the last verse i think slightly lets it down. We have three verses conjuring up the winter atmosphere then in the last verse you are introducing the idea of a convivial time making music indoors with friends, plus a hint of love interest. Perhaps you could add a verse and give the two themes a bit more space.

Lovely though

Ola

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh


   
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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
Topic starter  

Perhaps you could add a verse and give the two themes a bit more space.

Thank you. Ok here we go

New beginnings, hopes of love sprung new
are themes for songs in the Springtime
but in the firelight, feelings I once knew
stir me up / burn again like hot mulled wine

bit sloppy?

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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Montezuma
(@montezuma)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 121
 

Bullseye! (well almost). The verse seems to do the trick for me, just one small comment . . .
I think the last line could be tweaked as it suggests feelings that are more painful than beautiful

How about...

but in the firelight, feelings I once knew
stir inside, warming me like hot mulled wine

. . . or something

anyway - beautiful job :wink:

cheers
Ola

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh


   
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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
Topic starter  

Yes - in order to fit meter (only I know the tune :wink: )

but in the firelight, feelings I once knew
stir again, so warm like mulled wine

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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