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SSG10 - Week 1 - lavadave

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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Haven't posted in a while. I love the topic, here's my try. Imagine it with a ghost riders in the sky feel.

Title: El Camino Del Diablo

V1
I left Yuma on a Sunday and Maria stayed behind
If only I had married her, but gold was on my mind
Maria wiped away her tears to see me on my way
and if those tears were with me now I might survive today

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found

V2
They say there's a water hole about fifty miles along
but I only see dry rocks and what I brought is gone
I passed a skull of a man and looked him in the eye
now his ghost is telling me to lay down and die

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found

Bridge
I found a path leading up from this evil ground
pray this is the place the water can be found
Today I'll find a drink in this valley of death
or I'll lay down beside the road and take my last breath

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found


   
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(@hobson)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 794
 

Great lyrics! It certainly has a lot of the elements of a classic western show.

Renee


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Lavadave

Nice story and great imagery as well as a nice feel for the language.

Two things struck me about this: First, I'm not sure that the bridge really adds anything to the overall movement of the story. Second, the last line of the first verse seemed a lot stronger after I'd read through the whole song. It's a great twist and it might be better to hold that for later. Your song's listener doesn't (usually) have the option of getting to read the lyrics after the fact.

So one suggestion I'd like to make is that you use the current first verse as your last verse (replacing the bridge) and slightly alter the first one so as to not spoil the punchline, if you will. Sort of like this:

V1
I left Yuma on a Sunday and Maria stayed behind
If only I had married her, but gold was on my mind
Maria wiped away her tears to see me on my way
But I knew I'd soon be back to wipe those tears away

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found

V2
They say there's a water hole about fifty miles along
but I only see dry rocks and what I brought is gone
I passed a skull of a man and looked him in the eye
now his ghost is telling me to lay down and die

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found

V3
I left Yuma on a Sunday and Maria stayed behind
If only I had married her, but gold was on my mind
Maria wiped away her tears to see me on my way
And if those tears were with me now I might survive the day

C
El Camino Del Diablo is a road lined with graves
Cross yourself Maria and pray that I'll be saved
El Camino Del Diablo - a curse upon the ground
and not a drop of water to be found

You could, of course, still use the bridge with this suggestion.

Just a thought. Looking forward to more and, hopefully, to hearing this one with music.

Peace


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi lavadave,

Great story telling! :mrgreen: I read through yours first and then saw Dave's suggestion. I'd say if you left it as is it would still work fine, but I really like Dave's suggestion. It seems to "fit" and emotional flow better.....the "tears" for example has a much greater impact at the end of the story after the listener learners the singer is dying of thirst.

Great job! Thanks for sharing. :D

James


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Thank you everyone for the comments and thanks for the thoughtful rewrite. I guess I imagined that from the beginning the speaker is currently in his last ditch hope for water and he is telling the story all along knowing that he's probably going to die. The rewrite does have a better reveal, but it has more of a and then this happened and then this happened flow. Maybe I can balance out the two. Thanks!


   
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(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Hi Dave,

To me that looks like a simple story, clearly told with the right sort of language and a well balanced use of repetition - what's not to like! :D

You could probably squeeze in another verse with a theme of regret or self admonition, final words of love, or whatever, but it seems to stand up fine as it is.

Cheers,

Chris


   
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(@nicktorres)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 5381
 

I think if you want to leave it like the original you could ignore the tears in the first verse or foolishly dismiss them. somehow you need to get across the knowledge that he doesn't expect to return, otherwise you just need the sound of a whip cracking and someone whistling and you've got spaghetti Western written all over this. nice job.


   
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