SSG11 - Week18 - When I was you - mp3

Hi Paul,

Good start....nice bluesy riffs 8)

I think the 1st verse sets up a mystery a bit, but v2 and v3 don't deliver a payoff. Consider sticking with one aspect of revelation and then reveal.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James

Hi Paul,

Really enjoyed the MP3! I'm pretty much in agreement with James. The first verse sets up the song well. I do like the progression of who do you think you were . . . you are . . . . and where do you think you're going.

Neil

Thankyou gentlemen,

I think the 1st verse sets up a mystery a bit, but v2 and v3 don't deliver a payoff. Consider sticking with one aspect of revelation and then reveal.

Do you mean the past present future revelation/reveal versus the good boy, bad boy and redemption revelation/reveal ?

V1 introduces us to the dialogue (internal as it turns out) (the past, good boy)

V2 reveals that the other party he is talking to is his consience, he's reflecting back to a time when he had values, probably a still does if he thinks about it (the present).

In the bridge pretty much acknowledges that he's gone off the rails (bad boy) but there's still hope ("such a crime")

V3 reveals that he is considering options for the future him, whether he takes them or not we dont know (the future,redemption).

I't seems to me that both transitions are interlinked, so Im not sure how I would stick with one without the other.

thanks for comment and listen

cheers
Paul

Well done! For me, its the blues, & that means a mixture of darkness, mystery and ambiguity.

Thanks Andy :D

Paul

I always love the blues. Good number there.

V2 reveals that the other party he is talking to is his conscience,

Not to beat a dead horse, but I don't think v2 does reveal that the other party he is talking to is his conscience.

So who do think you are coming here disrupting all my plans
Such a conscience................DOESN'T IMPLY SELF-CONSCIENCE
When you are that other man.......OTHER? HE IS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF
You remind me of me so much of me........SHOULD BE WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME
Back when I was you

How about this for revealing?

So who do think you are back again disrupting all my plans
I'm wrestling with you, my conscience..........or I thought I killed you last time, conscience
(When I'm) struggling to be a better man
You're the me I used to be
Back when I was you

take or leave as you see fit :wink:

Thanks James
I think I've been concentrating too much on structure and not development. So here is the reworked version. Given that this is a blues song I think little bit "bad English" is allowed :wink: (must one of those little critters in there, Gerry somebody :lol: ), so I'm sticking with the "remind me.." lines, call it artistic licence.

cheers
Paul

Version 2
==============
Who did you think you were when you were making all those plans
A fine boy such a fine boy
When you were that other man
You remind me of me so much of me
Back when I was you

So who do think you are your back here disrupting my plans
Go away conscience
You belong that other man
You remind me of me too much of me
Back when I was you

What’s happened to me where you been all this time
You turned into me I cut you down such a crime

Where do you think we’re going are you taking me for a ride
On that road to redemption
And be that other guy
You remind me of me so much of me
Back when I was you

Hi Paul,

I think the rewrite is better, but I get so confused reading it :? Ok so given it's a person speaking to him/herself.....I don't know if his past was the "good guy" (typically one's conscience is referred to as the right thing to do)......and he is now a bad person not wanting to be reminded of the right thing to do b/c he is not doing it..........or.............is the now person someone who had a bad past and even though now he is trying to do the "right" thing, his sin or falling off the wagon keeps occurring; even though he is trying to be good...........

........I would think that aspect of bad past >good present or good past >bad present would be a message you would want clarified in you lyrics.......yes, no?

James

Thanks for your input James,
I would think that aspect of bad past >good present or good past >bad present would be a message you would want clarified in you lyrics.......yes, no?

not necessarily, I like the idea that it could be either in fact version 3 is even more general in terms of whether the old him is good or bad, the listener doesn't know but it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that he clearly now rejects his past and wants to pursue his new life. It could probably do with more work, in fact another verse I think, but I think I leave it there, thanks again for your help it's been an excellent learning exercise.

Cheers
Paul

Version 3
=========
I remember when you were making plans, making stands
A young boy such a strong boy
When you were that other man
You’re the story of me for life of me
Back when I was you

You tell that old story to distract me from my plans
Go talk to the hand
You belong to that other man
You’re the story of me for life of me
Back when I was you

Cos time it moves on and a young mans dreams they just can’t last
Yeah we turned a new page and now your just chapters of my past

But I know just where I’m going just how this story goes
And the long and short remains
I’m not that other guy
That’s the story of me for life of me
Back when I was you

I remember NAIVE plans, making stands
A young boy such a strong boy
WHERE IS THAT OTHER MAN?
THE YOUNGER ME; HOPE FILLED DESTINY
Back when I was you

NOW YOU DRAG UP THOSE old DREAMS to distract me from my plans
BUT DREAMS ARE DREAMS AND ALWAYS GRAND
Go talk to the hand -This seems a novelty cliche that will date the lyrics like "groovy"
WHERE IS THAT OTHER MAN?
You’re the story of me for life of me-----I don't understand this line
Back when I was you

Cos time it moves on and YOUR/THOSE YOUNG man dreams just COULDN'T last
Yeah TIME turned a new page and CLOSED THE chapters ON THE past

But I know just where THIS STORY'S BEEN AND just how this story ENDS
And the long and short remains
I’m not that other guy.....OR I NEVER WAS THAT OTHER GUY
That’s the story of US for life of me
Back when I was you

............Hi Paul, just playing around with some ideas..........keep or toss what you wish :wink:

-James

Final Version (no really :wink:)
=========
I remember you well making plans, making stands
A young boy such a strong boy
When I was that other man
You’re the story of me of life of me
Back when I was you

And here you are old story your back disruting my plans
But I’m not listening
You belong to that other man
You’re the story of me of life of me
Back when I was you

Cos time it moves on and a young mans dreams they just can’t last
Yeah I turned a page and closed those chapters of my past

So on to my new story new beginning and new end
I close the book on you
I’m not that other guy
That’s the story of me of life of me
Back when I was you