SSG11-Week26 When Love Slips Away

I have to say that "any line you like" totally made my day. Thanks for that.

This is beautiful. My only suggestions is that some of the lines are kind of "meh" compared to the others. This is especially evident in the last verse:
You cry in stairwells
When love slips away
Stay awake at night
When love slips away
When love slips away

The first line is sublime. It's specific and brings up so many images and ideas that it's worthy of a song by itself. The "stay awake all night" line, in comparison, is almost like a "I've got to put something here so this will do for now" kind of line. Likewise, the first line of the second verse "you read the junk mail," while specific, isn't anywhere near as strong as the other opening lines. It simply doesn't tear at the listener the way the others do.

Playing up the single-ness, as you do in the other verses might help (and this is totally off the top of my head so don't think of it as a good example!):
You eat in the kitchen
When love slips away
Anything will do
When love slips away
When love slips away

And that "anything will do" might be a good "reusable" line. You can have "any line will do" for the first verse and "anywhere will do" to accompany that great stairwell line. Just a thought.

Thanks for this. Truly inspiring.

Peace

Hi Dave,
any line you like" totally made my day.

I hoped that would bring a smile :D

I'll put my sub-conscious to work on it while I sleep tonight and see if something doesn't click :wink:

It will be tomorrow before I get changes up...if the muse cooperates. :roll:

Thanks for the feedback :D

James

POOF changes made :mrgreen:

AN ALTERNATIVE VERSION----
A possible additional verse before the verse about the stairwell could be added.

You read your junk mail
When love slips away
Now you've got the time
When love slips away
When love slips away

Very simple, very sad, very good.

Hi John,

Thank you very much :wink:

James

Hi James,

I've been taking my time and reading this over and over again. There's a lot of emotion and things said with such a great economy of words. Well done. Only thing that stops me a bit is the length of the chorus . . . . .
Chorus
When love slips away
When love slips away
It’s a long, long lonely day
When love slips away
When love slips away
When there’s nothing you can say
When love slips away

Wonder if seperating the two thoughts into two different chorus' might work. Just a thought.
Alway a pleasure to read you submissions.

Neil

Wonder if seperating the two thoughts into two different chorus' might work. Just a thought.
POOF changes made :mrgreen:

I think that verse 3 still doesn't live up to the other verses. Instead of "You can fall or climb," how about something along the lines of "Roam the streets at night?" This would add to the feeling of loneliness and the need for solitude.

I think that verse 3 still doesn't live up to the other verses
POOF changes made :mrgreen:
You cry in stairwells
When love slips away
The bed's much too wide
When love slips away
When love slips away

listening on soundclick now - ooooh its lovely!

Thanks for the listen and feedback, hagrider. :D