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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

They know who I am
Blue eyes and blonde
Always, forever
on the run

They know what I want
Blue skies and fun
here and now
but where have they gone

I'll ask someone who loves me
I'll ask someone who cares
and searching for their colors
grey faces everywhere

They came from planets nearby
they never smile
We'll have to find the speed of light
you and I

They multiply each day
and build sky high
we'll have to find the way out
we'll go underground

I'll ask someone who loves me
if you ask someone who cares
we're searching for their colors
grey faces everywhere

Let's call our distant cousins
before they close the line
we will be blue in Venus
and feel the sunshine

You know who I am
you call my name
I turn around my grey face
scream and run

------

(There are some copied phrases and ideas in this one.)


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

Hi'a,  long time no hear, welcome back

I like your lyrics for this week, my only suggestion would be
and searching for their color
in grey faces everywhere

just because it has a better ring to it !
go well
Jamir ;)

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

Thanks jamir.

And thanks for your suggestion. The storyteller is actually looking for his friends and relatives, trying to find "their colors" among a vast sea of grey faces. he's not trying to find color in faces.

The whole song is an adaptation of the movie "Invasion of the body snatchers" while this movie itself is obviously an allegory of all men's fear one day to be left alone or abandoned by his relatives.

That reference may not have been clear from the start so I'd be interested how it would be worded in a clearer way.


   
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(@mjbird)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 136
 

It is nicely done.  I liked the varied syllable count
on the verse ends.. it works well.


   
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(@nicktorres)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 5381
 

It works well.

Did you spell out the logic flow before writing it?


   
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(@knotwilg)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 20
 

Thanks Nick. No I didn't. The idea of the movie was triggered by the "grey faces".

The idea of moving to two characters was forced by the rhyme "build sky high" -> "you and I".

Then I remembered that in the end of the movie the main character also transforms into a bean. So the last verse describes the end of the movie where his female compagnon unmasks herself by speaking out his name when she sees him in the streets.

In each song you make, pieces fall together nicely at one or two occasions. In this case it was the "Let's call our distant cousins ... we will be blue in Venus".

The colours (theme), the planet (the imagery) and the reference to Captain Beefheart: "Distant cousins, there is a limited supply. We're down to the dozens, and this is why: Big eyed beans from Venus. Oh my oh my."

Dieter


   
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