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SSG2 - week 39b - Criminal Past


(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 607
Topic starter  

week 39b

Alright, given that Bob's dealing with a considerably full plate, I did Ja'mir's idea for this week. (since I didn't get to it last week). But true confessions, I cheated. The first book I looked at, "The Golden Ratio" said:
"Pythagoras discovered that these rare consonants are obtained when the notes are produced by similar strings whose lengths are in ratios given by the first few whole numbers."
So Vic,... I understand, mate.

So I took a good ol' murder mystery by Lawrence Block, called "The Burglar in the Closet". The line at the top was:
"But that's all behind you, that criminal past"

-- Scratch 8)
I figured I could work with that one easier. Sorry Ja'mir.

CRIMINAL PAST

[v1]
I remember how you left me
like it was yesterday
you broke into my life
and stole my heart away

[v2]
Then you made your getaway
embarking on your spree
The way you took off with my heart
was grand larceny

[chorus]
But that's all behind you now,
that criminal past.
You say you want to work it out
you want our love to last
well there's no love left on my end
even though we had a blast
somehow I can't forget
your criminal past

[v3]
You tell me you're reformed now
you've really changed your ways,
but I still recall how
you left me in a daze.

[bridge]
You're the one who robbed me blind,
but I'm the one left doin' time,
and you never stood trial for your crime.

[chorus]
But that's all behind you now,
that criminal past.
You say you want to work it out
you want our love to last
well there's no love left on my end
even though we had a blast
somehow I can't forget
your criminal past

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey scratchmonkey,

yet again another good one. i always look forward to see what you have come up with each week.

thanks for taking the more interesting book quote.

there isn't much i can say to change anything in this song.

the only thing that sticks out to me is in the second verse. i know you needed to use the word key to rhyme with larceny. but the line "you didn't even leave the key" the slight problem with this line isn't in the wording or the meter, just in the concept od the line. isn't it an understood thing that id you kick someone out that you don't leave them the key? i am not sure a line to use that keeps with the rhyme sceem but something better might be alluding to the fact that the locks were changed or that this key didn't work anymore, that at least keeps the word key in there for you.

i do like the fact that you were able to use a term like grand larceny and it doesn't even seem forced or out of place meter wise.

good job again scratch. so does this mean that your muse has finally come back from vacation? and if so, did she have any great stories to tell about her travels?

-CheapThrill


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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 607
Topic starter  

Hi ya Cheap Thrill,

You're right, that line's hosed. I''ll need to re-work it. The same problems you pointed out kept nagging at me when I wrote it, but I left it there until something better comes along.

And yes, I think she's home.
If I had the ability, she'd be on restriction.
I'll be de-briefing her on her travels as time permits.

Thanks for the comments!

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 224
 

scratch,

don't just put her on restriction keep her locked in the closet or put one of those black ankle bracelets on her so she can't get far away. :D

glad i could help out. even though i haven't written a song here; i am happy that i can help others with their songs.

keep your fingers crossed for me that one day i will have a song on either this forum or songwritters club.

-CheapThrill


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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hey scratch

congratulations, it's good to hear she's back:)
don't lock her, just sing her your song 'missing muse'
I think that'll be enough to keep anyone near you;)

see you
bluenightangel

psst...don't tell jamir, but I've cheated with the line, too (I actually took the 3rd attempt...bad me )

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 607
Topic starter  

bluenightangel -- Thanks for the kind words. ... and your secret's safe with me.

cheap thrill -- I think I fixed that second verse problem. See what you think.

-- Scratch

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 10340
 

Yeah, Scratch, really do like this one - some really nice word-play, I like the way you've extended the metaphor throughout the song.....I didn't see the original second verse, but as it stands now I wouldn't change a thing, this is one of those songs you see posted and think "Hmmm, wish I'd written that....."

Tried another book - picked one blindfolded - what did I get this time?

German Grammar and usage.......

one last go, what else is under here........

Ah, another Tom Clancy....The Bear and the Dragon......

P453........

Reverend Jackson hesitated only a few seconds.

I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!
Surrender!!!

Maybe next week.......

:) :) :)

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey scratch,

ok the second verse is better than it was before. but.........of course there has to be a but right? well you don't have that hosed line but now what you have is a total mouthful. what i mean is that in that verse you made your getaway, embarking on, then you took off. it just seems a little redundent. i think i liked the idea of the key in the first draft. maybe something like (i don't remember the first line) i no longer had a key.

i like the idea of him stating that he couldn't get back to her physically. being locked out. the locks being changed kind of thing. just another thought.

-CheapThrill


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