Skip to content
SSG2 - week 47 - pe...
 
Notifications
Clear all

SSG2 - week 47 - perfect storm

14 Posts
9 Users
0 Likes
2,150 Views
scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

Hi gang,

First off, living in SoCal for the last 20+ years, I've kinda forgotten what storms are like. (now watch sunsetninja post something brilliant) Anyways, here's what I came up with. Seems not quite done to me. I know the phrasing in the last verse is stilted. I'm not sure I'm going to keep that verse anyways, but for now it's holding a place. As always, I look forward to any remarks / comments / suggestions. Sans further adieu:

week 47 -- Perfect Storm

Her mind is dark and overcast
there's lightning in her eyes,
thunder bolts peal from her lips
as I watch the pressure rise.

The signals are all warning me
I really ought to leave,
instead I'm drawn toward her,
she's got something that I need.

[chorus]
She's a perfect storm,
I should head for higher ground,
There's a calm before,
any time she comes around,
in her gale force winds,
my heart is beaten down,
but I'll build it up again,
'cause I love her even now.

The squalls are blowing in now,
the air is close and still,
and everything is plowed down,
that stands up to her will

The town is still and desolate,
there's nowhere left to hide,
and it's too late to run now
so the tempest I will ride

[chorus]
She's a perfect storm,
I should head for higher ground,
There's a calm before,
any time she comes around,
in her gale force winds,
my heart is beaten down,
but I'll build it up again,
'cause I love her even now.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
Quote
nroberts
(@nroberts)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 305
 

The signals are all warning me
I really ought to leave,
instead I'm drawn toward her,
she's got something that I need.

I like it, minor thing though:

The signals are all warning me
I really ought to leave
instead I'm drawn tward her
she's got everything I need.

I think the word 'everything' adds more power to the verse and I took out 'that' because it was the way I heard it.


   
ReplyQuote
scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

Thanks nroberts.

The feeling I was going for there, was that this guy knew he should have nothing to do with the gal, but there was something, he couldn't say just what, that drew him to her. "Everything", though it improves the meter by eliminating "that" which is no more than a syllabic placeholder, (a practice I try to avoid) doesn't quite evoke the same meaning I was aiming at. Although, the fact that you found them to be virtually interchangeable, makes me think I missed my mark anyways. So that verse probably also needs to be revisited. Thanks for your suggestions.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
ReplyQuote
bstguitarist
(@bstguitarist)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 353
 

Nice song scratch! I really like the whole Idea and how your wrote about it. my only criticism is this line in the chorus:
in her gale force winds,

I just dont think it fits well.

Keep up the good work!


No matter what anyone says, these four men were the Innovators! of modern Rock & Roll!

Morse Code... Music on it's own


   
ReplyQuote
sozay
(@sozay)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 173
 

great stuff as usual scratch. the only verse that troubled me was the one you mentioned, and while i'm sure you'll think of something, how does this float your boat?

The town is still and desolate,
the broken buildings all empty
and it's too late to run now
think i always hoped that she'd get me

Great song, good use of the metaphor. nice work
sozay

currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!


   
ReplyQuote
Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

There's something about this that reminds me of John Fogerty (that's praise indeed Scratch!!!!) - not one thing in particular, it's kind of hard to explain, it's just the whole feel of the song........the first thing I thought this week was "Huh, Bob's been OD'ing on CCR.....Bad Moon Rising, Walkin' in a Hurricane........this definitely has a similar sort of feel to it....

"The town is still and desolate,
there's nowhere left to hide,
and it's too late to run now
so the tempest I will ride"

Not too sure about that last line, I'd change it to something like

"And there's a tempest to ride".....you could leave the word "and" out if it's too long........

Apart from that, great stuff mate!!!

:D :D :D

And as for me, I'm having one of those "Totally bereft of Inspiration! weeks....so far.......

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
ReplyQuote
CheapThrill
(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey scratch,

what more coudl i say about this song that hasn't already been said. i love your work as always. great sentiment in this song. something i can totally relate to this. you know that you shouldn't be with a particular person but there is just that one little something that you can't put your finger on that keeps you around.

wonderful job. i do agree with you on that last verse sounding a little off on meter. your metaphors always seem seamless and the transition from one to another flow beautifully. nothing seems forced or out of place. you also manage to compare a woman to a storm with out sounding cliche.

i will stop gushing over you work now. (even though i know how much you like it. :wink: )

-CheapThrill


   
ReplyQuote
alterego
(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 83
 

Hi scratch. I was listening to High and Dry by radiohead and thought of singing your lyrics to the song's melody. And man, it gelled in pretty good and was a lot of fun. So, good work indeed. Ok, about the critiques now, your chorus is very strong but as bst pointed out in her gale force winds, could be changed to something better. Like what? I can't think of any myself right now...And about the last line, yeah, it does feel a lil tacky
The town is still and desolate,
there's nowhere left to hide,
and it's too late to run now
so the tempest I will ride
Tell you what, try changing "and" in the third line to "but" and right now as I'm writing this this line just popped up in my head (heh heh, no pop-up blocker there). How about "coz she caught me by surprise.." for the last line. I know it completely changes your last verse but adds that whats-gonna-happen-next kinda feel to your song. And it'll flow into your chorus more easily. So, my take:

The town is still and desolate
there's nowhere left to hide
but it's too late to run now
(coz) she caught me by surprise

"coz" can be dropped. What sayeth thou?

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
ReplyQuote
CheapThrill
(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey scratch,

i forgot to say before, good job describing something that you thought you had forgotten. had you been watching the weather channel to jog your memory on what real storms are like. :wink: :lol:

-CheapThrill


   
ReplyQuote
scratchmonkey
(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

WOW! There's a lot to address here. lessee...

1. I can't believe so many people didn't like the "gale force winds" line. That one's a favorite of mine. I'll probably change it to "facing gale force winds". That way I get to keep it, and perhaps it'll flow better for you all.

2. That pesky last line. -- I'm working on an amalgamation of Vic's and Sozay's suggestions. Sozay,-- I like the "think I always hoped she'd get me" line. Very nice. I'm probably going to steal some version of it. And Vic, -- "there's a tempest to ride" is a much more straightforward way of saying it. Thanks. As soon as I figure out how I'm going to meld the two together, I'll edit and re-post it.

3. alterego -- thanks for the suggestion, but if I said "She caught me by surprise", it would contradict all the previous verses, in which I tried to make the point that he's watching all the signs and warnings, but can't tear himself away from what he knows is coming. So there's no surprise involved.

4. There's something about this that reminds me of John Fogerty (that's praise indeed Scratch!!!!) You're telling me?! I might, on an exceptionally fantastic day, when the skies are clear and I've just gotten a raise, and the Mrs. tells me how much she adores me, dare to dream that I'd be able one day to approach that level of talent. But in the mean time, Thanks for the ego-boost! :P

5. CheapThrill -- don't have to watch the weather channel. It's all over the regular news.

i will stop gushing over you work now. (even though i know how much you like it. :wink: ) yup.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
ReplyQuote
alterego
(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 83
 

3. alterego -- thanks for the suggestion, but if I said "She caught me by surprise", it would contradict all the previous verses, in which I tried to make the point that he's watching all the signs and warnings, but can't tear himself away from what he knows is coming. So there's no surprise involved.
yeah man, thats why i said that it might change your story completely. anyway, i was thinking on the lines of like, despite all the warnings and signs and you trying to hide or run she still catches you by surprise by doing something you didn't expect. like in those storms you see which spare you in the last moments or come at you from a whole different direction. the unpredectability factor. anyway thats mho. good work. :D

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
ReplyQuote
sunsetN!nja
(@sunsetncnja)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 40
 

lol thanks for mentioning me in a sentence with the word "brilliant". Now I feel all pressured... :shock:

Nothing I could really point out that hasn't already been said by the others. I would like to say that the overall theme of the song was interesting to me though. Like a storm chaser adrenaline-junkie mindset carrying over into someone's love life. It's just a cool take on the subject.


   
ReplyQuote
Pilot
(@pilot)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 180
 

I don't have anything to add to the song that anyone else hasn't metioned...I'm just impressed that you found a venue in which to use the word "amalgamation." :lol:

(for those that don't know, Scratch and I are RL friends and neighbors, and I tend to see and/or hear these songs before they hit the message board) :)


   
ReplyQuote
alterego
(@alterego)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 83
 

I don't have anything to add to the song that anyone else hasn't metioned...I'm just impressed that you found a venue in which to use the word "amalgamation."
:lol: rotfl

http://poemasmuertos.blogspot.com/


   
ReplyQuote