Hi gang.
They always look so easy on Sunday, don't they? Anyways, there are parts here that I'm not totally happy with. (always the case) But I'll see if you all aren't happy with the same parts before I say what they are. Have at it:
Bridges
[v1]
Grandpa built bridges
Worked hard every day.
Walking on steel girders
that spanned the Chesapeake bay.
I saw him bend steel with his hands
He was a strong and quiet man.
with a pocket full of wishes
that never saw the light of day.
[chorus]
Save your money,
mind your manners,
is what he used to say.
sometimes late at night I'd see him
bow his head to pray.
Grandpa built bridges,
sometimes out of steel.
And sometimes with a quiet word,
or the way he'd make you feel.
[v2]
He shoveled coal on a tugboat
in the harbor at Baltimore.
I never saw him come home,
when he wasn't tired and sore.
he said "you work hard to earn your pay,
you give the man an honest day"
But I always thought the man
could've paid a little more.
[chorus]
Save your money,
mind your manners,
is what he used to say.
sometimes late at night I'd see him
bow his head to pray.
Grandpa built bridges,
sometimes out of steel.
And sometimes with a quiet word,
or the way he'd make you feel.
[v3]
I hear folks complaining,
about a generation gap.
and the stress it seems to cause them,
you'd think they were gonna snap.
I never had to deal with it,
if it was ever there at all.
'cause Grandpa always showed me,
all our differences were small.
[chorus]
Save your money,
mind your manners,
is what he used to say.
sometimes late at night I'd see him
bow his head to pray.
Grandpa built bridges,
sometimes out of steel.
And sometimes with a quiet word,
or the way he'd make you feel.
Thanks,
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
sweet!!!!
scratch, this is a heartwarming one, grandpa and grandchild...
love the chorus, especially the last two lines.
I like the way you rhyme the last word in the fourth line of the verses with the last word in the last line of the verses:)
the ending of verse2 is cute
But I always thought the man
could've paid a little more.
I don't know what you're not happy with, I think it might be the part in verse#1 where the grandpa bent steel with his hands(at least that bothered me..didn't fit my picture of him, strong yes, but bending steel with hands sounds a bit like showing-off)...otherwise a very good, hamonic piece to my mind. maybe verse3 isn't as strong as the rest?
it's great.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
maybe verse3 isn't as strong as the rest?
Bingo!
I'm still not sure what to do with it, but it does need to be changed.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Cool.
To draw comparison, it sounds a little like Confederate Railroads - Daddy Never Was The Cadillac Kind, in its sentiment, about being honest, and hard working.
It's a good read, whether it needs changing is yours decide because I enjoyed reading thru it.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
hey scratch,
i am going to do something here that i have never done before, so brace yourself scratch.............are you ready?............
i don't think you fit the assignment very well. Don't write about individual family members but more the relationship between your narrator and the family members.:shock: i know i said something bad about scratch's work. :oops: i feel bad, but i needs to be said. first off all you really did was describe the man, he is a grand father that worked very hard. there is no relationship going on here. yes there is a grandchild telling us about his grandfather but that is all i get. come on scratch, i know you are better than this.
i thought it was pretty obvious that verse three was the one that you weren't happy with. when i was reading the song and i got to verse three i was thinking that it didn't quite flow with the rest of the song. it is a nice verse just not quite so good paired with the others.
if this song was posted in GN songwriting club then there would be mostly praise. but we do have assignments that we try and follow here. we aren't an anything goes kinda group like the other songwriting page. :D don't mean to bash your song, it is just that you usually do such a good job sticking to the topic. i always look forward to seeing what your take on the assignment is going to be. to see how those same words that i read manifest themselves into a song through your head.
sorry i had to give you a bit of s*!t here, hey.... i am your biggest fan so i think i am intitled to. :wink: not everyone can write a winning song that totally fits the topic every week, although i thought you might be able to pull it off. (at least what i have read since joining) i bet you will nail it next week.
the song may not really be on topic as far as i see it, but i haven't posted so you certainly did a better job than i did.
i have had a hectic week, too much going on for once. no real time to spend here commenting on people's work. no time to actually read any work. i will be back to my usual commenting soon, i might even have a song to post one of these days......what a concept.
-CheapThrill (still your biggest fan :wink: )
Monkey Boy, you know I'm never overly critical of your work - mostly because you can do it and I can't. :lol:
I'm going to agree with CheapThrill though. Your song does seem to be lacking the whole relationship aspect.
Barring that - I liked it a lot! Well, except for that whole 3rd verse thing, but I'm only saying that because everyone else did. :P It could use a little spit-shine though, it truly doesn't seem to flow like the others.
Having said all that, I *really* like the overall song, and I *totally* have this backwoods hick tune for it running through my head. If you were to accidentally stop by the house tomorrow night (where ya been anyway, ya goofball?) perhaps we could bump heads and refine this a little bit. I'm far better at collaborative work than original writing. :lol
If you were to accidentally stop by the house tomorrow night (where ya been anyway, ya goofball?) Had a job interview on the right coast last week, was there from Thursday to Sunday. Drove by a couple weeks ago,... your place was dark, so I left. We'll see how this evening shapes up.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
there is no relationship going on here
Your song does seem to be lacking the whole relationship aspect.
<childish tantrum>
You want relationships? -- OK:
Grandfather IS TO Grandson AS Great Grandfather IS TO Father. or....
A : C :: D : F or...
1 - n (a one-to-many relationship)
</childish tantrum>
I had a hard time meeting the goals of the assignment (write about the relationship, vs. the person) and at the same time trying to adhere to the tried-and-true maxim: "Write what you know". Obviously, I have any number of relationships with any number of people, but I'll be damned if I can understand any of them. Don't know what makes 'em work, don't know what strains 'em. I just don't get them. So.... I opted to go with the maxim.
But the relationship is definitely in there. The whole point of the song, (which apparently didn't come across very well) is that during the times when so many young kids have difficulty connecting with their elders, or finding any kind of common ground between two apparently disparate world views, this grandfather was able to connect, hence, the "building bridges".
Besides, if you don't understand a thing on one level, you may still be able to describe it on another level, even if that other level is totally superficial. For example,
An elephant is an herbivorous mammal indigenous to regions of Africa and Asia.
or
An elephant is a huge grey beast with four legs and a long, long nose.
Is one description more valid than the other? Nope. Just two different perspectives.
Anyways, you can't be at the top of your game every week, and truthfully, I was a bit preoccupied with other matters this week. But thanks for the reviews, .... makes me think you're actually reading this stuff! :wink:
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hey scratch,
cute little tantrum, really shows off your geekness. i see how it is, preoccupied, what could be more important than ssg? it is nice to see you defending your work with elephants. :lol: nice touch.
Obviously, I have any number of relationships with any number of people, but I'll be damned if I can understand any of them. Don't know what makes 'em work, don't know what strains 'em. I just don't get them. there is something to write a song about. you can write about not understanding the people you have relationships with. (shakes her head in disapointment) if you can write a song about not being able to write b/c you lost your muse, you can write a song about not understading the people that are closest to you.
hope things went well with your interview. i'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
-CheapThrill
The second verse in this song is brillant. Chorus is very well done. the whole song flows well. Emotion packed writing.
I think you are right that the point is missed in the song. You tried to make it in the third verse, didn't come across. I don't understand any of my relationships either.
But, very well done. Wish I could write like that.
Hmmm.......lot of arguments about this one.......
OK, first up, it doesn't TOTALLY meet the requirements of the assignment, but it's not a total miss either......I'd summarise it as a young man's pride in his grandfather, an honest-to-goodness hard working man who's a good role model......it's obvious the writer is proud of this decent, honest and full-of-common sense man.......
The relationship is defined in verse 3.......you say you're not happy with that verse, Scratch.......it struck me, at first read, as a bridge more than a verse.......I'd keep it intact, AS A BRIDGE, and maybe throw in another verse, something along the lines of how the grandson, now he's making his own way in life, tries to model himself on his grandfather's lines - or maybe change the sense around for the last verse, make the young man the grandfather now, telling his grandkids the same down-home truths his grandfather told him.......
Grandpa built bridges,
sometimes out of steel.
And sometimes with a quiet word,
or the way he'd make you feel.
That's brilliant man!!!
The one thing that struck me as slighly ironic and amusing is the fact the song's called "Bridges" and doesn't actually have a bridge.......
So to summarise my two penn'orth (Lancashire Dialect's getting a good outing this week!!!...that bit means two pence worth...) It works well as a very good song as it is, change verse 3 to Bridge, write a new verse 3...and presto!.....great song, assignment nailed.......
Oh yes, I didn't actually mentioned if I liked it or not....you need to ask?
:D :D :D
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
