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SSG2-week5-Talking to Mice Elf.


(@newbie)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

ok, so i based the whole song on a topic i know best, rejection. Mice-Elf is obviously phonetic spelling of myself, in case you're not too quick.

This is my first song ever, so i'm assuming it's not the best in the world, but with your help, it could be. I was thinking i needed a chorus, since i don't have one. I'd like to add it firtst after verse 2,  then every verse after. I have a few chorus versions in mind, but none of them really say what i want them to say. Also, i'd like to work the word f*ck out of the song, i just don't feel comfortable singing it to people. iv'e tried to take it out, be i can't seem to get the same feeling with other words.

Please critique me. and i'll do the same for you. you know, scratch my hairy back and i'll scratch yours.

oh, and the song was meant to be funny and off-the-cuff style of bob dylan off his hwy61 revisited album or ween-styled, i just don't have as many curses or homosexuality references as them.

oh, i'm also considering changing the name to Talking in My Sleep. or something. any suggestions on anything would be greatly appreciated. Merry Christmas, and peace to you all.

Songwriting venture #1 Talking to Mice-Elf.

Sitting in the kiddie play room,
look at that girl standing there.
I wonder if she notices me at all,
I hope she doesn't.
I'm playing with two balls!      

oh i was sitting in the rest-er-aunt.
eating my newpaper hamburger.
this girl walked in,
she blew my mind.
oh, look! ho chi minh died!

i got the idea i'd talk her up,
but how to break the ice?
i went up  to the counter,
told the cashier "Two number threes",
she looked  back up at me and said the second three is free.

oh i was sitting in the resturant,
gawkin at that babe sitting there.
pleather boots and long brown hair,
red lips and a 'come and get me' stare.
man i tell you, she's the finest thing i've seen,
don't you notice her too?
i say, man, aren't you keen?

(possible solo here.)

well here comes the part,            (this verse spoken)
you know the one,
where i talk her up,
and she shoots me down.

I say hey baby, i've got an extra number three,
i don't really need it, but it was free.
i wondered if you'd be interested in talking to me,
i saw you sitting in that plastic chair,
you looked so cute with you pleather boots and long brown hair.
what's you're name?
she kicked me in the shine!

"what the f*ck!" as i jumped out of bed                  (verse spoken/sung )
"get up queer, and take out the garbage" was the reply.
"You were talking to yourself again, why don't you get a life?"

oh, i was talking to mice-elf auh-gain........

So, uh, which part did you say the strings were?

You might as well learn to enjoy being stupid, because it's not something that's gonna like wash off, ya know?


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(@psychonik)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 268
 

You may have missed the point. Hope to see more of your writing, though.


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