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SSG3 - week 2 - sarah

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(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

Neither looming loss of job, impending relocation, nor intermittent sleeplessness will keep me from completing SSG, even if a bit tardily.

**

Graduation Day

In the back of my only photo album
In a drawer I never use
Is a picture
Of a day that came at the end
Of a journey that consumed you
In its time

With your cap set and your tassel dangling,
Your arms friendly
Around me
You smile, pride etched in your eyes
While polite regret
Floats in mine

CHORUS:
We chased a dream together once
Bur when we tired of the pursuit
You took the path to the gown
And I to the visiting suit

Remembering that day of auditoriums
And important-sounding words
I can see
That unlike this unwatched photo
I tried to put aside, my regret has
Yet to fade

*

I can't say I'm entirely happy with this, but there it is. As always, comments welcome. :)


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Better late then never.

Generally I like it. The chorus seems to lack something to really catch the listener and make the song memorable (or maybe it's just me?) - but the rest is superb:

'pride etched in your eyes'
- I read that and thought - what a good line.

'While polite regret
Floats in mine'
- and what a follow up! Great writing.

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the chorus, it just doesn't seem very chorus-y somehow!

Not that I can figure out what you might do to it, so maybe you are better off ignoring me anyway...

G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 777
 

I agree with GJ about those two lines WOW really terrific writting I love them . you really captured the moment right there . But I disagree about the chorus I like your chorus it seemed to me to paint the picture ( it might just me ) but I was truely moved when I read this well done

cheers
:D :D :D :D :D

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Neither looming loss of job, impending relocation, nor intermittent sleeplessness will keep me from completing SSG, even if a bit tardily.

Hey Sarah! You and I may be drawing from the same karma-pool.

This is a great song. I think your chorus is terrific. I wouldn't touch it. Maybe repeat it after the last verse?
That last verse is the one I'd wager probably doesn't sit well with you.

You know what I think it is? There's a connection here that's never really mentioned. The narrator regrets that because they chose different paths, they've drifted apart, but there's nothing that describes why the relationship was meaningful or important to the narrator. Maybe that's why you're not entirely happy with it. Try another verse that gives us the importance of the relationship. Then the loss would be more acute, and the song more powerful. (does that make any sense?)

Let me just say again, that it's a terrific song. I really enjoyed reading it.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 26
Topic starter  

Thanks for the feedback, y'all. :)

Scratch, I agree with you about the last verse. Now that you've pointed it out, I can see its a big part of what I'm not happy with in this song.

I had a a couple of ideas for lines that gave more details about the friendship, but those got cut in the editing. I'll work on putting something similar back in. I'd also like to get that last verse to rhyme with *something* in here. Not quite sure how to accomplish that yet though. :)


   
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