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SSG3 week 5 Ja'mir now with ***MP3 ***

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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Please go the the link if you would like to hear this song

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/jamirmusic.htm

The heading i took was " Five children raped " and for those who don't know .... a sangoma is a traditional witchdoctor the locals use.

Under the Sangoma's spell

Five little girls were raped today
The guilty men got away
All the girls were under three
Now the men roam free

A cure for AIDS is what they're told
By a medicine man of old
'Take a virgin or you will die"
Now the mothers cry

Chorus
What kind of man would take a child and have her torn and defiled
And think that it might make them well, under the sangoma's spell
Under the sangoma's spell, they're under the sangoma's spell

None of them will ever die
by the law, though the world will cry
for vengance and a moral stand
In this african land

Chorus
What kind of man would take a child and have her torn and defiled
And think that it might make them well, under the sangoma's spell
Under the sangoma's spell, they're under the sangoma's spell

And what of the babes, worn and torn
Do they rue the day they were born
Their future gone, a past of hell
Because of a sangoma's spell

Brigde
Who hears their cries, day and night
Who takes away their pain and fright
not one witness to this gruesome sight
It's just not right
not right

Chorus
What kind of man would take a child and have her torn and defiled
And think that it might make them well, under the sangoma's spell
Under the sangoma's spell, they're under the sangoma's spell

Go well
Ja'mir :cry:

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

Hey Ja'mir,

well,... you left me speechless. Quite heart-wrenching, haunting, and very well-told. I like the way you brought local knowledge into the song, the sangoma; the reason the rapes occured... It's bard-like. (does that make sense?)
I can almost hear this one, ...in your style; picking minor chords.

Well done! I always look forward to your pieces.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Wow
:cry: indeed

I agree with Scratch - very powerful material here. You have dealt with a very sensitive subject in a sensitive way - both saddened and enraged.

The only change I might suggest is making the bridge into a Outro/Coda:
End on:
It's just not right
not right
?

Other than that - well written Ja'mir.

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

HI

what a gut wrenching piece the subject material is something a lot of people would not touch , but you have wriiten a truely great piece on this

Brigde
Who hears their cries, day and night
Who takes away their pain and fright
not one witness to this gruesome sight
It's just not right
not right

Every parent who reads this would have all kinds of emotions running though thier body's .

you have written this very very well

well done

cheers

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@christiaan)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 90
 

Man,

There's just nothing to say.

The passion with which this is written lifts it beyond any critic.

It reminds me of Bob Dylan in his best years. Also I must say you rhyme very well, most people use meaningless phrases because they need a word which rhymes, but you make every line, every word count.

When I read it I think Metallica immediatly pops up as a style reference.
Heavy distorted guitars would suit the angry mood of the lyrics.

I bow my head to the king, :wink:
Christiaan.


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

:cry: ghastly it is, this world.

I've read that some time ago, that they think it's a cure for AIDS, Jesus, disgusting.

you've made it come across really well. excellent song.

only thing I wondered about, but maybe you wanted it to be this way, well anyway the third verse, right after the first chorus seems to have some lines that are a bit long, actually only the second line.
I wonder if you might want to change it to:

By law, none of them will ever die
Though the world will cry

but maybe that would alter what you were going for, I don't know, just a thought;) take it or leave it.

I'm really impressed(but when have I not been impressed with your work?).
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

I don,t really have any thing to add here, I agree with christiaan, you do make every word count. This is a very sorrowful song, but one that needs to be writen. I can't imagine writing something like this myself, but you did a first class job. :cry: maybe thats what artists do , bringing this kind of thing out in the open and just maybe, save another child and family some misery. the dog

My Youtube Page
http://www.youtube.com/user/smokindog
http://www.soundclick.com/smokindogandthebluezers

http://www.soundclick.com/guitarforumjams


   
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 P0RR
(@p0rr)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 141
 

Hi Ja'mir,

I'm always amazed by your writing & this is no exception. I truly hope songs & artists like yourself can have an impact & change these atrocities.

If Hell is paved with good intentions, I'm sure these sangoma's have a special spot awaiting them.

Keep the faith.


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Thanks a ton for all the great words of praise and the comments made. Especially thinking of Bob Dylans writing when reading mine, my, that is a big compliment indeeed. But as for metallica ........ who are they, I don't think distorted guitaring is in my limited repetoir being purely a folk artist with a few ballads at a push, but hey if you can do it go for it , it would be very interesting to get 2 totally different sounds from one set of lyrics. not to mention the melody interpretation , always my weak spot, but all being said, I hope to have the MP3 up before the weekends out !!!! so I await a " metallica version from you Christiaan :lol:

Once again thanks for the much needed confidence booster.
Go well
Ja'mir :wink:

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Well this may not be the best recording I have done, but I am sure over the following week I will make it sound a lot better .... but it gives you an idea of the melody I had in mind !!!!

Comments and crits welcome

Go well
Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

hi there again

first of all what a amazing voice , and I like your changes in the chorus
it's easier to change it when your sining it rather than writting it I suppose

but this is very haunting and very very well done I have listened to this a few times now and get blown away every time .

well done

well done

cheers

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey jamir,

i think you did a great job here. did read the lyrics till i heard the mp3 and read along with you singing. i think your folk style fits the subject and sentiment of this song great. you manage to have such tenderness and compassion in your lyrics and voice. it is certainly a touchy subject that if it wasn't done just right would be horrible, but you managed to pull it off. i think you balanced theright mix of sentiment and outrage for this act, that also something that really works here. your song isn't just a pissed off angry song but at the same time it is just a lets just sit here and cry song either.

great, great job.

-CheapThrill


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hey ya:)

congratulations, Ja'mir! it sounds really great and tender but also kinda emphatic. and now I don't have any problems with the third verse line thing I mentioned, you got it well.

got to say my favourite part of the song is how you sing the first line of the chorus, especially the way you sing 'defiled'.
beautiful..... :cry:

keep it up.
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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 Val
(@val)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 106
 

What can I say! You are one very talented lady.


   
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(@xposed)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 107
 

Ja'mir,

There are certain elements lyrics have, certain elements that each person appeals to, and I think you have done a very good job at pulling such a 'shadowed' subject out in the middle of the room.

Your song will definitely stir emotion, good job!


   
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