Well, I'm not really happy with this one, it seems quite mediocre. But I have to post something if for no other reason than to force myself to get back into the routine. I'll be curious to see if you guys' criticisms come close to mine. I think I at least got the 1st person perspective, and came up with something that will work for whatever Bob-Dave have in store for next week. Here ya go, then:
What might have been
[v1]
I wonder where you are sometimes,
I wonder how you've been,
I wonder if you're happy
in the life you chose with him.
It was a lifetime ago,
and a universe away,
I try hard to forget you,
but it feels like yesterday.
[v2]
Did you know I tried to phone you?
I know I did you wrong.
Your friends won't give your number out,
just say "Leave her alone",
Don't want to cause you trouble,
don't want to dredge the past.
But if I ever get to see you,
there's some things that I would ask.
[chorus]
Do you ever think about me,
when the leaves begin to turn?
and do I ever cross you mind
as you watch the fire burn?
When you go walking by the pond,
do you ever speak my name?
Do you ever sit and wonder
what we might have been?
[v3]
There's a million reasons why I should
forget we ever were.
You've got a life with him now,
I've got a life with her.
It's not that I'm unhappy,
but sometimes just the same,
I wonder if there's anything
that could help me douse the flame.
[chorus]
Do you ever think about me,
when the leaves begin to turn?
and do I ever cross you mind
as you watch the fire burn?
When you go walking by the pond,
do you ever speak my name?
Do you ever sit and wonder
how great we might have been?
Thanks.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hi scratch :wink:
mediocre... I would have said it's a solid song. a good song with some pretty lines such as "a universe away", "Your friends won't give your number out", "when the leaves begin to turn", "douse the flame". I really like those lines. and I like your song but it might lack just a little nameless something. I dunno, a bit more personal aspect maybe. something that could make the song more urgent, bring it closer to the listener/reader.... but then again you were maybe going for this care/don't care mixture of feelings kinda too tired whatever so that works.
anyways good work, I think. and surely sufficient for the assignment.
but you could do better;)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Hey scratch
Well I have to agree with Angel on this very nice writting hoe ever I am perplexed over this part :
"Did you know I tried to phone you? "
"Your friends won't give your number out,"
was it just a thought to phone ?
don't mean to be picky but but if her friends would not give the number out how did you try to ring her ?
anyways I have had my 5 cents worth and it is really nice
hope your chrissy / new year went well
cheers
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
don't mean to be picky but but if her friends would not give the number out how did you try to ring her ?
First of all, it's just a story. purely ficitious, hypothetical, made-up story, Okay? So, hypothetically, there could be this girl named, I dunno, ... Susan, say. And say Susan has this friend named, ummmm...... Marian. Yeah, Marian. Then, say I , er, one of Susan's formers comes home from the Navy on leave, and calls Marian to get Susan's number, only Marian won't give it to me, er, ... him. Hypothetically, you understand, the guy could feel as if he tried to call her, but couldn't get the number. And now, 25 years later, the guy hears that Susans married to some Doctor and moved to GA, and Marian''s still teaching English at their old high school. Never married. And on some (hypothetical, pretend) level, he feels as if it serves her right.
Make any sense?
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hey Scratch,
I have to agree with Bluenightangel;
mediocre... I would have said it's a solid song.
Maybe not your best work but good all the same. I like the way you change the last line of the chorus the second time. Very nice touch .
Slight problem with tense in verse 2 ;
Your friends won't give your number out,
just said "Leave her alone",
You change from present " Your friends won't" to past tense "Just said "
I'm not sure how to fix this or if it even really needs fixing. Just stuck out a little to me.
Celt
I think its very good, I didn't see any problems here. The last part of the last verse was my favorite "It's not that I'm unhappy,But sometimes just the same, I wonder if there's anything that could help me douse the flame 8) 8) , very nice---the dog
There's just one line of this that I thought didn't flow too well:
Verse 1, line 5: 'It was a lifetime ago,'
It might work all right for you, I don't know, and I'm not sure how you could improve it. Dylan has already used the ideal line, "'Twas in another lifetime"!
What about, 'It was many, many moons ago' (moons/universe)?
Apart from that, good job.
hey scratch,
it's been a long time since i have been here. a lot going on with me and getting over some past stuff, you should know what i mean.
but onto your song. always impressive, even if you don't think so. this is another one of those cryie songs. :( it makes me feel sad reading it, even though i don't really care if any of my exes still think about me. i do still think about some of my exes but not in a way that i would ever want to get back with them. and even though the song still got to me and brought up lots of emotion. i like the quiet and solom feeling that this song brings out.
i don't know how you manage it but you always seem to take something so sweet and simple and make a sweet and simple song out of it. you put just enough emotion and story into the song to get the point across. there is nothing really complicated or going over board. they are easy to follow and understand but not to the point that the song seems trite.
sorry for going overboard here with this song (i know you are loving this scratch) but i do think it needed to be said.
maybe one day i will come back and write another song one day in the future, but my mind hasn't been in that place for a long time.
even after taking all this time to write this long email the feelings i got from your song is still with me. :( i think that is a good thing when a song really sticks with you, and i only read though the song about 1 and a half times.
-CheapThrill
