This is a rough draft.(I'm really out of practice) all comments welcome.
Your news was making me crazy
Your words still echo off my wall
The scary pictures you painted
Made me think, I don't know you at all
It's been ten months since I left
My words just didn't get through
I felt betrayed and rejected
But I still keep my eye on you
And I'm willing to give it one more chance
Still I don't know what you tell me is true
I'm still willing to take that one final chance
'cause the truth is that I really miss you
I still come by just to visit
But I sit, I read and I stare
I lost all reasons for trying
I feel that you just don't care
And I'm willing to give it one more chance
Still I don't know what you tell me is true
I'm still willing to take that one final chance
'cause the truth is that I really miss you
I'll leave it all up to you now
Should I come back to stay
Can you give me two reasons
Or should I just fade away
And I'm willing to give it one more chance
but I don't know what you tell me is true
I'm still willing to take that one final chance
'cause the truth is that I really miss you
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
Hi Tokai,
You've obviously put a lot of effort into the structure, and the theme sounds like it comes from the heart. So it's well on the way.
Unfortunately, it's coincided with a time when I'm feeling rather burned out on "betrayed and rejected " stuff, so I'm not the best person to comment on how well you handled the message side of the song.
Maybe you could chip in with your thoughts on some of the stuff that others have posted (perhaps even if it means dragging back a song from an earlier week by someone whose style you can relate to??)
The best way to get some feedback is often to just get known among the current posters by trying to add something to other people's submissions. (Praise always works well, but constructive suggestions that show you've made an effort to relate to their work is always welcomed too. :D )
Good luck with the songs.
Hey Tokai 12 String,
Chris does have a point, its actually quite a commitment to try and reply to everybody, so often some people get missed if the're not regulars to the forum.
Having said that I think your song is certainly worth some effort on my part. I like it :D , structurally its nice and tight, although I might be inclined to drop the 2nd chorus, so instead of VVVCVCVC id have VVVCVVC just a thought, cos I don't know what it sounds like.
Other than that well done :D .
pb
BTW for a title "Missing You" or "I Miss You" could work.
pb
You really seems to ring a chord with me, but I think that's because most people have felt that kind of rejection sometime in thier lives. I think that's why there are so many sad songs...it's easier to relate to the bad times because they are universal. Happy moments are more personal and unique, so sometimes it's harder to relate to those.
It's very well structured, and your meter here looks great (at least to me). This really seems like a very personal thing...baring your soul to the world kind of song. The line that really got me was 'cause the truth is that I really miss you because I remember feeling that way for a long time.
To me it's a winner, although I think Chris_C has a point when he says that there are a lot of betrayed and rejected songs. The same feeling is on the radio everywhere. However, betrayed and rejected sells so obviously someone's doing something right.
Our songs also have the standard pop format: Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, bad solo. All in all, I think we sound like The Knack and the Bay City Rollers being molested by Black Flag and Black Sabbath.
Kurt Cobain
