I'm nowhere near finished but I didnt want to lose this one, like I did my last one =(. Its definately not my best, but I have been away so long I just wanted to get something down and get the juices flowing again. The topic "FLY" does nothing but send an endless flood of cliches to my mind.
So, I came up with this by googling and ended up at THISwebsite. Its kind of cute.
Hope you enjoy. Critique away
Geoo
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The Original Flyguy
Was it java or just some flash
that day, I was sittin around and having a laugh
Cartoon images, man I'm waitin on the bus
Goose flies by and I have an idea
No good, no mouse, I'm turnin my wheel
Arrow it up and up, away, here I go
Chrorus
flyin high as the goose in the sky
A hindu man is givin advice
If your coastin, you must be going downhill
Pass a stork I hear a baby call
Fluffs his diaper and gently falls
I can fly, I'm the original flyguy
Big bad boxer is knockin me down
But I get back up, head back in the clouds
Climbing high and higher I go
Man, I'm up in outta space
This kooky alien is rockin the place
Playin guitar and shaken his head
Chrorus
flyin high as the goose in the sky
A hindu man is givin advice
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Pass a stork and a baby falls
Fluffs his diaper and gently falls
I can fly, I'm the original flyguy
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
Hi Geooo
And welcome back to the writting scene ...
The second verse I'm haveing lots of trouble with ....
Is Turning my wheel like ( going to work doing your bit ?)
Oh well
I can't write for poop so take my reponse with a grain of salt
cheers
Hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
I think the problem here is that there are so many different ideas zinging around that the song doesn't make any sense as a whole. I was lost from the first line to the last.
Thanks Hilch and Martin for the honesty and perspective. I think, the problem is that I am trying to be so NON cliche that the song just doesnt make sense unless you know where I am coming from.
The song was an attempt at the non sensicile type song say in the theme of Cobain (Which I am not) or even Beatles (Which I am not).
Not sure where I am going with it but if it felt strange, then I guess I got where I was going. LOL
Turning the wheel, BTW, is reference to my mouse wheel but shoot if you didnt know it was about a little Java game on the computer then you wouldnt have a clue. Read it to my girlfriend and she thought maybe I started doing drugs. LOL
I think, I may take two steps forward and just write my normal cliche stuff.. I feel more comfortable there.
Thanks you guys.
Geoo
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
Ohhhhh now I understand it even though I don't know the game
Fog clears ... mist rises and the beginner in the corner starts to see the light ... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Like I said earlier I'm no-one to be writting Critiques for anybody elses work as I can't write myself
Hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
What you can do next time is use the kind of imagery you have going on here but base it all around one easily understandable idea. Hopefully the result will be creative, coherent, and non-clichéd. Which are some of the things many people strive to be in songwriting. (This time you got 2 out of 3 ;) )
Hey Geoo,
Dont be afraid to step outside your comfort zone, I think your idea of the computer game was a good one I just think the song needs to have a message.
base it all around one easily understandable idea
This is good advice from Martin. In fact what I think you could do with this song is make the chorus about you being the original flyguy (fallguy etc. etc.) and how all this relates to your real life. BTW I thought the game was a hoot.
cheers
Paul
Just a quick addition to what has already been said: I can appreciate the mixed imagery and the nonsense-song angle, but I think a developing a constant mood throughout (or a mood that evolves over the course of the song) would add tremendously. Putting it to music will do a lot in this regard, but lyrically it is important also.
Courageous stuff.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Thanks for the additional comments you guys. Well, that is what the SSG is all about I suppose. Laying it out there and making mistakes so we can all get better. I say mistakes loosely cause there really is no right or wrong way but better ways to approach a song. I actually learned more from this song, although I hate it, than I have from any other lesson.
But I do have another submission for this week. I just need to tidy it up a bit before I post it.
Thanks again
Geoo
“The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn” - David Russell (Scottish classical Guitarist. b.1942)
