SSG5 week 10 - Dave - MP3 Now Posted

Hey Dave

Been reading this for awhile now it has me thinking .....( I won't go there )

There is one word I would change , and you will probably disagree wit me on it ..Thats' why I didn't reply straight away ..I have been saying this line over and over ..

"Maybe long hair or black pants "

And everytime I sing it I think "and " fits better than " or "

Just my opinion..

cheers

Trevor

very little I'd change here, Dave....

there's a typo in the 2nd verse, "Not the some old dusty rooms" - SAME old dusty rooms?

and I'm not keen on the last couple of lines - "open your brain" just doesn't sound right, "open your mind" would be better but would throw the whole rhyming scheme out (very good rhyming scheme, I thought...) - maybe instead of these lines...

"Hey man, you better open your brain
And buy a ticket to get on the train"

something like

"Hey man don't be waiting in vain,
Get a ticket for the funky train....."

The only other thing I picked up on....you mentioned doing this in a funk style, the song structure kind of lends itself to something a little more bluesy...I tried it with a fast 12-bar shuffle rhythm, seemed to work fine....

Alll in all, I'd say it's a prettty good piece of writing - got a good strong rhythm, a nice consistent tight rhyming scheme, and I'm hoping you're going to record it soon...I for one will be very interested to see how this comes out.....

:D :D :D

Vic

I think I'll take both of your suggestions. Barnabas I agree that "and" goes better.

Vic, you're right that brain isn't quite right. Maybe too technical. "Waiting in vain" though sounds a little cliche to me.
What do you think of:

Hey man I'll tell it to you plain
Get your ticket and get on the train.

"funky train" is a good phrase, but I'm already using funky in the last line of the previous verse.

As far as the blues shuffle goes, it probably will end up being a bluesy sounding number, but I'm trying to make it really rythmic as a change of pace. I just want to make it a funky blues without blatantly ripping off "I feel good."

I like how the lyrics have their own rhythm to them. Well done! My only suggestion is that the "From the dancing I'll do at my brand new scene" line feels a bit long.

Perhaps "From my dancing at my brand new scene"?

This is good Dave. I have to agree with Vic here, those last 2 lines didnt work for me either. I like his new lines.
You could always change that last line in the other verse
And listen to me make a funky sound
to something like
And listen to me make a new kind of sound

Paul

http://www.soundclick.com/lavadave

I just posted an MP3 of this song, and I'll be really curious to hear everyone's feedback. Take a listen.

Dave,

your mp3 is great, very funky, well done

Paul

Yep, you definitely pulled off the funk rhythms....

Like the MP3, nice use of echo, like the jittery guitar and the bass-line....

Sounds nicely retro to me, but with an up-to date slant on it....

:D :D :D

Vic