SSG5 week 6 - Olav w/MP3

It's a good start but there definitely could be some rewrites. Here's my suggestions. Can't wait to hear it though!

V1
Sixty miles an hour
A heart filled with desire
Cruising down the interstate
With my dreams burning with fire.
Dreams to big
For this small suburbia town
Heading for a place
Where my dreams can hold their own
A couple things:

I assume desire is meant to rhyme with fire, however I find it sort of rhymes with hour as well. It doesn't ring well, as I thought that was the rhyme, and then another one appears; it's very distracting. As well the repetition of "with" in the 4th line does not sound well.

And a pet peeve of mine: referring to suburbs seperate of their parent cities, and referring to any suburb as a small town. As some one from a small town I see significant differences between the too. When you write your 7th and 8th lines, it sounds like you're making a trip downtown, rather than leaving home to follow your dreams.

V2
A full tank of gas
The camper in tow
A legal pad and a pencil
In case the juices start to flow
Reaching for the stars,
Well, at least I’m trying to
A may not ever hold one,
But in my dreams I do!

Legal, doesn't really roll off the tounge. And the last to lines make it sound like you're only dreaming, not working towards your dream.
BRIDGE
Lights turning brighter
Around the midnight hour
From the shine of city lights
And the spears of Bellsouth tower
Yellow lines go by faster
At the speed of no regret
Knowing these will be the years
I never will forget

I actually really like this section, and wouldn't change a thing.

I hope I didn't come off as a jerk. :oops: I had some suggestions for changes in mind, but after I thought about the assignment more, I thought it would be better for all the changes to come from you in the upcoming weeks. That's what I think this assignment is about at least; learning to think of our writing from a different point of view.

Can't wait to hear it and see the future changes.

:smoke:

DrunkRock:
Of course I don't take it as you are a jerk.
Hey, this is what it is all about. Post your song….get feedback….re-write, ....or don't.
You have been around long enough that I respect your opinion….I may not agree all the time, but I respect it :wink:
Anyway I see your points, and I would love to hear your suggestions. Funny though..the bridge section
is the part I am having a problem with…go figure
Anyway, thanks for you critique. :)
Blessings. Olav

Olav said:

"DrunkRock:
Of course I don't take it as you are a jerk.
Hey, this is what it is all about. Post your song….get feedback….re-write, ....or don't."

That's a great attitude....
And I agree, what looks good to the writer often looks unfinished to another reader, as you say earlier, the whole point of this forum is to improve our writing, and if people don't critique and point out what looks wrong to them, how are we going to know? Since my tentative first steps into this forum a couple of years ago, I've learned a hell of a lot - and it's all been because people have been kind enough to point out my mistakes.....and I've never seen anyone post a criticism along the lines of "This Sucks! Go Back To School! Get a life!" etc......

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM IS GOOD.....but you have to say why something works or doesn't......so, Drunkrock and others, remember your feedback is always appreciated.....

So - to the song.....

To take the first verse, it could be pared down a little, get rid of some unnecessary words, and tighten it up.....

"Sixty miles an hour
A heart filled with desire
Cruising down the interstate
With my dreams burning with fire.
Dreams to big
For this small suburbia town
Heading for a place
Where my dreams can hold their own"

"Sixty miles an hour,
Heart filled with desire,
Cruising down the interstate,
With my dreams on fire, (these four lines didn't need much - just a few redundant words)
Too big to hold,.....avoids repetition of dreams
In this little town, .....cut down a little bit....
So I'm heading for a place,.......tells the reader you're serious about getting out.....
To lay my dreams down..."....a better rhyme for town, and works as a play on words, like "laying down tracks"...ie recording....

I like to play with words, mess around till I get the point across....and the quicker you get the point across, the quicker the listener/reader is hooked.....

I won't go into the other verses because we'll be re-writing these songs and messing about with them over the next few weeks anyway.....I'll just say I agree with Drunkrock about the bridge, I LOVED that....please, do not change it! I wasn't too sure at first about "I never will forget".....I'd have put "I will never forget".....but on reflection I like it, seems to add a little extra emphasis to the line.....

BTW, I wrote all the above before I listened to the MP3.....I've just had a listen now, and I'm impressed - I didn't think Country, though, I thought "Early Dylan".....very nice!!!! Dylanesque, without being a Dylan clone.....nice guitar sound, too...what are you using?

Look forward to hearing what you're going to do with this in the next couple of weeks or so.....

:D :D :D

Vic

Wow, this turned out excellent. Good change to the chorus as well.

Excellent, and too be honest, this is the first song written here on SSG that I actually want to download.

*high five*

The recording sounds great. The bridge is my favorite part of the song, especially the line "the speed of no regret". Also the bass run in the first line of the chorus is real nice. How about repeating the nice lick you started out with at the beginning of the song at the end to finish it off?

Hi Olav

Wow mate , I think you might have been holding back with your singing and playing ...

This is bloody fantastic .... We have a saying in our house when something is really good that that someone makes , we say thats going straight into the pool room , { it comes from a movie called the The Castle } and dead set mate this should be in your pool room

Trevor

Hey Olav,
nothing to add from whats already been said, except fantastic mp3

cheers

Paul

Well done I like the droped tuning on the guitar and I also think sink or swim fits better. I truly enjoyed it

Frank

http://www.soundclick.com/frankwhitenackandradiofriendly

http://www.myspace.com/frankwhitenack