SSG5 - Week35 - Hard Sell - with mp3 (bass line)

Hey Paul

A nice little song here, well written about a somewhat difficult theme (I think! :lol:)

My only quibble is with the chorus:
Cos baby I come as a package
And you don't get nothing for free
Try and then buy, well that's fine by me
But you know you'll get more than you see

The triple rhyme seems a bit off when reading it (hope you get what I mean) and while its nothing major, I think that a slight re-arrange of the words could help the flow a bit;
Cos baby I come as a package
And you don't get nothing for free
Try and then buy, well thats just fine
But you know you'll get more than you see

That also gives a half-rhyme in the 3rd line, which (to me at least) fits better than the triple rhyme.

Just my 0.02 cents mate.

Pete

Hi Paul

Welcome back to the writting , back to the grind now hey after the little holiday :lol:

I am hearing a Beetles flavour here almost like " Hey Jude " very acustic though ...

I adore this verse

"Well it seems to me that were all on sale
As we talk the talk and we shake our tail
But when the promotions done and were left with the goods
Then the meaning of love is truly understood "

Good to see you back

Trev

Hey Paul,

Good stuff. Yeah, it is like Pete's but its a very different person dressing to impress. Your person is using appearance for curb appeal, not as the whole package.

I felt left wanting more which can be a good thing, but it leads me to thinking that there may be a bit more to write. Maybe a bridge where we the singer hints more about what else is the "hidden" part of the package, or more directly asserts the "take me or leave me" attitude. I dunno, just a bit more tension. But then again, that depends on your music and where you're wanting to go.

As for the ABBB rhyme vs. ABCCB rhyme... I'd have to hear both put to music. Pete's rewrite is good if you end up not liking the sound of your original.

Thanks for the feedback guys,

Pete, I hear what your saying, thanks for that. I think it will depend on how it sounds.
Trev, yeah definitely acoustic, I'm hearing a kind of stop/start acoustic.
Rob, yeah it definitely needs more I agree and if I pursue it I think I'm put some more in, along the lines you suggest, thanks. At this stage I just wanted to get something out as I haven't written for a such a long time.

Paul

Paul,

I really agree with Hilch - that one verse is the gist of the entire song, and coming from a marketing/events background, I know about having goods left over. Just a slight quibble with the 'were' which should be 'we're'...ack, damn spelling gene! (I just never thought I'd ever hear Hilch say the word, "ADORE"...!)

LOL

Not sure if you need the 'truly' as well - try it out in rhythm set to music and see.

You switched the intent of the song at the very last stanza, from "you know" to "I know" and "I come" to "we come" - you were trying to step back to make it more identifiable with everyone? Instead of just you, it applies to all? I think that works, just wanted to be sure that was your inclination.

Overall, well done! I like it! (I'll take one of those packages...mark it as a 'gift' please so I don't pay duty!) LOL Would you then be a 'rental' instead of a purchase if I can "try before I buy?" KIDDING...

Elle

Thanks Elle

really agree with Hilch - that one verse is the gist of the entire song, and coming from a marketing/events background, I know about having goods left over. Just a slight quibble with the 'were' which should be 'we're'...ack, darn spelling gene! (I just never thought I'd ever hear Hilch say the word, "ADORE"...!)
LOL

Fixed that (you just can't rely on spell checker can you), ADORE :lol: , definitley an interesting term to use

Not sure if you need the 'truly' as well - try it out in rhythm set to music and see.
Yeah, I think it will depend on the music and the metre.

You switched the intent of the song at the very last stanza, from "you know" to "I know" and "I come" to "we come" - you were trying to step back to make it more identifiable with everyone? Instead of just you, it applies to all? I think that works, just wanted to be sure that was your inclination.
Yes that was intentional, for me it rounds the song off, especially the last line
"But I know I'll get more than I see" where he aknowledges that she comes as a package as well.

Overall, well done! I like it! (I'll take one of those packages...mark it as a 'gift' please so I don't pay duty!) LOL
Would you then be a 'rental' instead of a purchase if I can "try before I buy?" KIDDING...
That depends on which shelf you choose from, if its the "top shelf" then it would be "Higher Perches" :lol:

BTW I really liked what you did with "Kiss Me" great job.

Paul

What can I say I am a very interesting character :lol:

Adore there you go Elle I said it again :lol: :lol: :lol:

there you go Elle I said it again
Trev I think youve been listening to OWA too much. Wasn't that her signature line in reference to Kurt Cobain.

Paul

lol

Cos baby I come as a package
And you don't get nothing for free
So try and then buy, well that's fine by me
But you know you'll get more than you see

You can also try something like this:

Cos baby I come as a package
You don't get nothin' for free
You'll find once you get past my image
There's a hell of a lot more to see

Interesting song. Strikes me that you're moving out of the "comfort zone" and experimenting a little - and this seems to work fine. Although I'd disagree with the acoustic treatment - seems to me like it's an acoustic song that needs clean electric guitar, if that makes sense. Strummed chords, but on electric - and maybe a second guitar playing powerchords, but with a lot of palm muting - just to keep the rhythm.

First time I read through it, nothing struck me as "off" - but Pete (1014etc) pointed out the triple rhyme, and there's a couple of good suggestions elsewhere, so I won't add any - I'll wait and see how the MP3 comes out.

:D :D :D

Vic

I changed my original idea for the music which was on the lines that Vic alluded to with the palm muting and went with a finger picked idea instead. Anyway you can hear it here.
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=328886
See if you can spot the dog entering the room and walking up the stairs (bugger).

Paul

That's a nice sound, Paul. I really like that. Vocals sound really good, too. And I like the change in the chorus. Well done.

Joe

nice Paul

Sorry I missed the dog :lol:

{ I could have sworn someone said once they could not finger pick }

Don't know who that may have been but it could not have been you ..

That was very relxing and soothing

Trev 8) 8)