SSG6 - Week 20 - She

Thanks Paul,

I like this and may take you up your offer.

The chorus really comes across as my style and I can see some similarities
in the story telling. Good Job!

The third verse might use some rewriting though. After the first two verses
being in third person the song suddenly switches to first person. I think I see
where you were trying to go in making the song more personal but find a bit
out of sync.

Something like:
Well friends I have to tell you
That lady she changed his all his plans
He realised just the fool he had been
That night he became a true man
He vowed to love and change his ways
Keeping his eyes to himself
And that's the way it been since then
In sickness as well as in health

And may a slight change in the second verse:
And though she could touch his perfect head
She thought she could reach his heart

To the slightly more bawdy;
And though she could spend nights in his bed
She thought she could reach his heart

Just some thoughts

John

Having just listened to John's latest MP3, I can visualise (should that be audiolise???!!!) his tonsils wrapped around this. I stumbled over the rhythm in a couple of places, but that's probably just the way I was humming it to myself. Looking forward to hearing this - whoever does it!

:D :D :D

Vic

EDIT - just read what John suggested - I'm not sure which is better to be honest, 1st person or 3rd person for the last verse; each way has its own plus points. 1st person seems to have more impact, 3rd seems more subtle, but it's not at all certain who the protagonist is!

Thanks for the feedback guys.

John I like your change the 2nd verse and will use a variant of that if I may.
My preference for the third verse is for the 1st person, I was going for the little twist at the end, kind of like someone recounting this self defining moment in his past to a present day audience.
Vic thanks for the comments.

Cheers
Paul

Hi Paul

I like this and I agree that John could do a good job singing it. My only suggestion is in the second verse, where I'm not sure I like the repeated use of "same:"
But the times they spent together
Somehow just seemed the same
For her a dying passion play
For him the same old game

Maybe:

But the more time they spent together
The more it all just seemed the same
For her a dying passion play
For him another turn at the game

And I know I just replaced one repetition with another! I'll need some time to think about it...

Looking forward to more. Not to mention hearing someone come up with music for this.

Peace

Thanks David,
you know I didnt notice the "same" repetition. How about:
But the times they spent together
Somehow just seemed the same
For her a dying passion play
For him a familiar game

cheers
Paul

"Familiar" is a great choice of words, Paul. "Tired, old game" might work as well, but "familiar" seems less of a cliche. Also sounds a little understated, which is always a good thing.

None of this is to say, of course, that the original might not be the best choice. Repetition, especially in song lyrics (as you're well aware), can be key. It's just something that struck me during the first five reads.

Just out of curiosity, what is it about this piece that makes you think it's not in your "usual style?" Over the years of reading your lyrics and hearing your music, I'm not sure just what one would consider your style. And I'm not saying this to put you on the spot! I think that all of us have an image of our songwriting and how it's received. It's just that sometimes I think we'd all be surprised as to what we think is our "style" and what others think is our lyrical footprint, as it were.

Maybe I should make that whole question of style and perception a "sticky of the week?" :wink:

Peace

Just out of curiosity, what is it about this piece that makes you think it's not in your "usual style?" Over the years of reading your lyrics and hearing your music, I'm not sure just what one would consider your style. And I'm not saying this to put you on the spot! I think that all of us have an image of our songwriting and how it's received. It's just that sometimes I think we'd all be surprised as to what we think is our "style" and what others think is our lyrical footprint, as it were.
Hmm. I guess I have never been comfortable with story telling songs, in fact I think that this is only the second song of that type that I have written. Having said that I can see familiar (there's that word again) things I do, like economical lyrics (my opinion of course) coming out in this song. I don't really know what my style is I just know that I haven't written many stories.

Paul

personally, I like the twist in the final verse. you don't twig immediately who the narrator is, but it soon becomes apparent. I'm sure its a technique Dylan has used on a bunch of songs, but the one that comes to mind is Simple Twist of Fate, off Blood On The Tracks. I tried copying him with this, but never managed to get it together satisfactorily, but I think your tune succeeds on that front, as well as being an interesting story more generally speaking.

It would be interesting to see how this one develops, especially if both John and Paul came up with music for it independently (e.g. would both tunes bear a lot of similarities or would they arguably be two distinct compositions).

props on this, and for doing it so quick! maybe it has to do with me being fairly green around here still, but I'm really struggling with this week's assignment.

Hi Paul ,

Something different in the fact you don't have music for this , I told you I was a bad influence :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I like this a lot , tells a very nice story , now I suppose I have to say "John record it " :lol: :lol: :lol:

Nice writing Paul

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

props on this, and for doing it so quick! maybe it has to do with me being fairly green around here still, but I'm really struggling with this week's assignment.

You are not alone! (To quote Ian Hunter.) It's easy enough to recognise someone's writing style when you've got their lyrics or MP3 in front of you, but pinning down something of that style and turning into a song for someone else is the hard part!
I couldn't even define MY writing style - since joining the SSG, I've done blues, rock, hard rock, country, fingerpicked ballads, folk, pop......

So yeah, I'm struggling - haven't even started yet. I thought Celt might be an obvious choice for me - we both seem to do a lot of blues, yet there's a folky twist in there .... but that didn't work out! Ah well, back to the drawing board....

:D :D :D

Vic

I like this a lot , tells a very nice story , now I suppose I have to say "John record it " :lol: :lol: :lol:

Seeing how I'm on break this week and the weather here sucks so I'm
pretty much just hanging around the house:

http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6374033

I did make some minor changes but stayed with the first person third verse.

Hope you approve Paul

John

Hi John

Like it a lot. Only thing I would suggest is going to the "V" chord (D?) on the second line of the verses. Might give it a little more movement.

Nicely done!

Peace

John,
a fantastic job sir, sounds just how I imagined it would. I like the little tweaks you have made with the lyrics, well done

cheers
Paul

Hi Paul,

If this is only your second "story" song, -- well done. I haven't had time to listen to anything, but I like the writing. I can see merit in all the suggestions, as well as the original. It is interesting trying to tap into another person's style. The week's half over, but maybe I'll give this one a go.