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SSG6 Week 33

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(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 159
Topic starter  

I am back (as if anyone missed me)!

This is an interesting topic this week. I figure I've never written straight pop song, nothing close that I can think off. So we shall give'er a try. This is based on a lyrical idea I wrote a couple years back. That snipet was a bit more...emo or avant-garde, so I moved to simple rhymes and verse-chorus-verse structure.

Tangled

Together step by step
We walk this world
Together day by day
We walk this way
Tangled in life

Baby we're tangled
In our love we're tangled
In our lives we're tangled
But now I'm
Strangled

Together step by step
We see the truth
Together day by day
We'll stay this way
Tangled in strife

Baby we're tangled
In our love we're tangled
In our lives we're tangled
But now I'm
Strangled


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Well welcome back, wherever you've been!

You've pretty much achieved what you set out to do - a short, sharp poppy song - the only thing that seems a little off is the chorus. The meter's fine (at least with the rhythm I've got running through my head) but it seems a little too repetitive for me, seems more punkish than pop. Just a suggestion (as always, feel free to take note or disregard at your pleasure...) - maybe something like

We're in a real tangle
Our love is strangled
Our lives are mangled
Oh yes we're
Tangled

Now it's more catchy than repetitive and the hook at the start and finish of the chorus is also the title.

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Hi,

I'm with Vic. I liked the ideas and the short punchy phrases, but there was an overdose of "tangled" for me too, especially when they all came at the end of the line. I'd have found it easier to digest if it had been "tangled in love, tangled in life". If something sounds like you wouldn't speak that way - and I certainly wouldn't say to somebody "In our love we are tangled" - then the singer has to work very hard to sell the line convincingly. Maybe you have a way in mind that makes it work though. Surprising what music can do to words. :)

Chris


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hey DR

Good to see you back. The song seems to fit nicely into the Pop realm but
I have to agree with Vic and Chris. I'm not sure there are too many tangles
although Vic's fix works well. I'd be more inclined to go with a tangled in life/love
route.
Baby we're tangled
Tangled in life
Tangled in love
But now I'm
Strangled

I know it's still quite repetitive but this is a Pop song.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 159
Topic starter  

I guess the repetition is just how I interpret pop songs. Pop music requires a hook, whether lyrical or instrumental, to catch the listeners interest. I agree I didn't like the repetition, but it seemed the best way to sink the hook in.

Point taken about the verses, you certainly wouldn't speak about the subject that way. I really need to work on that.


   
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