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SSG6 Week 7 - Untitled

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DrunkRock
(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 159
Topic starter  

I worked as a research assistant all summer up in the Aspen Parkland surrounding Duck Mountain, MB. There was one particularly mean thunderstorm we got caught in. I envision this as a blues-rock number, but I am really only happy with the first verse.

Thunderhead cloud
growing' in the sky
Thor cracks his hammer
fear we're gonna die
Beastly premonition
animals run and hide
Running in the bush
Gotta get inside

Rain drops comin'
pelting our skin
Rain soaked grass
the bush ain't thin
Lightning strikes
Twenty yards away
Dropping metal tools
Ain't nothing to say

Barbwire fence
Van getting near
Hands in gravel
Aleviating fear
Rain spattered windows
Crakling radio
Mean drive home
thunderstorm show


   
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Montezuma
(@montezuma)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 121
 

The music to this could really take off with your theme of thunder & lightning - praps a heavy metal number :twisted: .

Suggestions for a title -

-Thunder Ahead
-When the Rains Came

Its a shame a Hard Rains Gonna Fall is taken :D
Happy New Year
Ola

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh


   
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Bob
 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi DR

The whole thing gets across the huge storm really well, there's plenty of good description and imagery in the first verse. The use of Thor's hammer in partciular.

I can see what you mean about the other verses though. Although the story is told there's just something lacking. Don't know if the following suggestions are any better or just confusing but may give you some ideas.

Rain like a waterfall
Soaks us to our skin
Desperate for some shelter
Although the bush ain't thin
Lightning strikes
Twenty yards away
Discarded metal tools
Show we passed this way

Barbwire fence
Van getting near
Scrabbling through gravel
Alleviates the fear
Between the wipers travel
We glimpse the road home
Leaving behind us the
thunderstorm show

Good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi DR

I like this but one thing bothers me a little , and that is every line seems robotic , for instance lets look at the first verse

Rain like a waterfall
Soaks us to our skin
Desperate for some shelter
Although the bush ain't thin
Lightning strikes
Twenty yards away
Discarded metal tools
Show we passed this way

Rain like a waterfall ... I would like to see a describing word in there such as rain flows , drips , pours etc or so on
Second line works for me
Third line excellent in my opinion
Although the bush ain't thin .... To me doesn't work as well as it should , maybe something along the lines of
"It feels like the landscape moving in "
Lightning strikes ... Is just too sudden for my ears .. and the strikes isn't required for a rhyme ..
As the lightning strikes tonight
Only twenty yards away

Of course this is just my humble opinion ..
Cheers
Trev.. :wink:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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