My words were:
Parent
Vote
Sedative
Uniform
Theres is no music to this but I had country theme in mind. In time this song will more than likely emerge as something slightly different without the 4 word constraints.
Paradise Lost
© 2010 Paul Brady
This song is Copyright Control. The Copyright to this song is owned by Paul Brady, All rights reserved.
He's sitting in the sunshine on this perfect day in Spring
And he's reaching for the bottle to dull the thoughts within
cos somewhere deep within that space emotions lie confused
his bitterness matched one for one by the tasting of the booze
He used to be in uniform he served like all the rest
In the hills of Afghanistan his skill put to the test
Three little pounds of pressure is really all it takes
To cast your vote and take a life when democracy's at stake
Yet the faces of the people still go round inside his head
And often times he wishes it was he there lying dead
He remembers every one of them like a parent knows their child
Takes another drink of sedative finds peace there for a while
It's a perfect day in paradise it's a shame that he's not there
and he lives this life consumed by guilt cos it's all that he can bare
as every day that passes by he remembers what he's lost
the nine to five of those other guys is what he desires most
And the faces of the people still go round inside his head
And often times he wishes it was he there lying dead
He remembers every one of them like a parent knows their child
Takes another drink of sedative finds peace there for a while
================= Version 2 ==================
He's sitting in the sunshine on this perfect day in Spring
And he's reaching for the bottle to dull the thoughts within
cos somewhere deep within that space emotions lie confused
his bitterness matched one for one by the burning of the booze
He used to be in uniform he served like all the rest
In the hills of Afghanistan is where he was his best
Three little pounds of pressure is really all it takes
To cast your vote and take a life when democracy's at stake
Yet the faces of the people still go round inside his head
And often times he wishes it was him there lying dead
He remembers every one of them like a parent knows their child
Takes another drink of bitterness finds peace there for a while
It's a perfect day in paradise it's a shame that he's not there
and he lives this life consumed by guilt, it's all that he can bare
as every day that passes by he remembers what he's lost
the sedative of nine to five is what he craves the most
And the faces of the people still go round inside his head
And often times he wishes it was him there lying dead
He remembers every one of them like a parent knows their child
Takes another drink of bitterness finds peace there for a while
Hi Paul
Nice work within the "constraints." I think you definitely want to lose "sedative" in the chorus as "another drink of" just about anything else would work better! But you could use it here:
It's a perfect day in paradise it's a shame that he's not there
and he lives this life consumed by guilt cos it's all that he can bear
as every day that passes by he remembers what he's lost
the sedative of nine to five is what he craves the most
Just a thought. Will be very interested in how this turns out. It may just be the frame of mind I'm currently in, but I hear this more with a folk backing. I'm sure country will work well, though.
As always, looking forward to more.
Peace
Hi Paul,
Good start :D
At first I didn't notice "sedative" as a problem in the chorus, but I do like Dave's suggestion.
It adds a nice angle on the 9 to 5.....
....also "sedative" is already implied in the rest of the line....so it could be
"Takes another drink; finds peace there for a while"....and nothing would be lost in the meaning.
I agree with Dave as well how on the read, it reads more on "folk" b/c a lot of the lines are phrased more poetic rather than conversational.
For example:
cos somewhere deep within that space emotions lie confused
his bitterness matched one for one by the tasting of the booze
In the hills of Afghanistan his skill [IS] put to the test
Three little pounds of pressure is really all it takes
To cast your vote and take a life when democracy's at stake ....I like these two lines :D
Yet the faces of the people still go round inside his head
And often times he wishes it was he there lying dead
the nine to five of those other guys is what he desires most
.....after picking the lines that seem more poetic than conversational, it's interesting that most of them are passive sentences...using the "to be" verb.....I wonder if it would read more conversational if you used active verbs and tried to avoid using "to be" verbs.
....but if you like the poetic feel then it reads that way....:idea: so there's an experiment or question: Do active verbs make a lyric sound more conversational and do "being verbs (to be)" make a lyric sound more poetic?
Thanks for sharing.
James
It's a good story; I tend to agree with James about the phrasing of certain lines sounding a little... weird. Particularly the end of the lines.
Here are some examples:
his bitterness matched one for one by the tasting of the booze - Did you mean the flavour of the booze? Tasting sounds like an action, where a description might work better. Maybe think the acid, the burning, the fire, the sour taste of the booze?
In the hills of Afghanistan his skill put to the test - I would lose "put to the test" and find a different ending to this line, because I couldn't find any natural-sounding way of putting it.
And often times he wishes it was he there lying dead - Right image, but the words seem in the wrong order. Consider revising, e.g. "He lies awake at night and he imagines he were dead" or something better.
and he lives this life consumed by guilt cos it's all that he can bare - Maybe just drop the "cos"; I'm not really getting any cause-and-effect vibe from this line.
I think in this song you became a little bit enslaved to the iambic pentameter! I bet that in a few days you'll have the perspective to see what needs tweaking. The narrative gives this song plenty of potential to be a good one.
Thanks all for the feedback. This narrative style of writing is something that doesn't come easy for me so I appreciate the comments.
David ,
Takes another drink of sedative finds peace there for a whileI never really liked that line either hence my comment at the top. I like your version though cheers.
James,
"Takes another drink; finds peace there for a while"....and nothing would be lost in the meaning.
Yep that would work, thanks. What about:
Takes another drink of bitterness finds peace there for a while
Martin, you're quite right those first 3 phrases you mention are definitely awkward.
his bitterness matched one for one by the tasting of the booze
I like “burning†thanks.
In the hills of Afghanistan his skill put to the testHow about
In the hills of Afghanistan where he gave his best
Or
In the hills of Afghanistan where he did his best
Or
In the hills of Afghanistan where he was his best
And often times he wishes it was he there lying dead
How about
And often times he wishes it was him there lying dead
and he lives this life consumed by guilt cos it's all that he can bare - Maybe just drop the "cos";
yep good call thanks
Paul
