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SSGY7W14 -The Dock in the Sky-Joe Hempel - MP3

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(@joehempel)
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Topic starter  

Updated the lyrics as of 2/7/09, but haven't recorded it yet. Even have a title. Moved the bridge farther down and changed it per James's idea, also changed the lyrics that David had suggested.

Thanks for everyones input on this one! Haven't recorded the new vocals yet, but will do so soon!

http://www.box.net/shared/f895hm4adl

The Dock in the Sky

You never know when the day
Will come your way
You'll see life as you knew
From a different view
Sky up above and
Ground down below
One wrong step and
Then you know

Born in Dawson
Nineteen Forty-One
The whole town knew
What he would become
Gave the word a smile
With his soulful style
But then one day
He slipped away

You know he's
Sittin on that dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Sittin on the dock of the bay
Waistin time in the sky

Fate plays tricks
with the time of men
Don't matter where you are
Or Where you've been
You can be on top
Think you can't be stopped
But the plane went down
And the whole world frowned

In Sixty-Seven
He went straight to heaven
His time cut short
But live well lived
The songs we sing
The joy it brings
It wouldn't be remiss
To say he's still missed

[chorus]

[bridge]
You know you've come a long way
When the songs you play
Still shine a light
After you've left your life

Cause we're still
Sittin on that dock of the bay
Watchin the tide roll away
Sittin on the dock of the bay
Waistin time

whistle out

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Joe,

It's looking and sounding good :D ...You have a bit of a rap style with the lyrics and then the revamped classic chorus. That combination has worked for other songs.

Suggestion:
Consider a bridge to sort of tie up the message of the song.

James


   
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(@joehempel)
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Topic starter  

Thanks James, yeah it worked for others, but I still think I'm crazy for posting this :lol:
Consider a bridge to sort of tie up the message of the song.
Any suggestions to this would be welcome, I can't seem to figure out a bridge musically that would fit. When I was recording it I was thinking "Wow, this is boring, it needs something else" but really couldn't figure anything out.

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@juliaspring)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 12
 

Very Clever songwriting Joe "67 Heaven", loved the story you told! Yes thought the same thing kinda like Lou Reed with rap style.

Peace
Julia Spring


   
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(@stikman)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 237
 

Hi Joe,

Nice rapping. I enjoyed the lick in the background. I'm not sure about quoting another tune especially Otis Redding but you made it work. For a bridge how about another quote but over a rap beat, same one but modified somehow, of someone else. I'm not quite sure who although I've got some ideas. I'll think on it. These are crazy times.

Ernie

"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc

"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell


   
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(@davidhodge)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

I think Julia's spot on about the Lou reed vibe. It definitely works. And kudos on your first multi-tracking effort. It's both infuriating and intoxicating, isn't it?

Only suggestion I'd make is maybe reversing this line a bit, changing it from

Time plays tricks
On the fate of men

to

Fate plays tricks
with the time of men

and I have to admit I've no real reason for that except for thinking that "fate of men" is a little hard to sing. Although you do a good job of it in the MP3.

Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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(@joehempel)
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Topic starter  

Thanks Julia, Ernie, Dave, appreciate the input. Sadly, I've heard of Lou Reed, but only in name, never heard anything by him, at all.

I think I've got a bridge figured out, it's not quoting another song, but it's in the same vane as the style.

He left from Cleveland
Didn't know he'd be leavin
He left from Cleveland
But what he left behind
Influenced the futures mind

The first 3 lines using pretty much a hard palm mute on the C Chord, hammering on the B string at times.
The last 2 lines using only percussive strokes, and kind of making it harsher (think Kid Rock)
Time plays tricks
On the fate of men

to

Fate plays tricks
with the time of men

and I have to admit I've no real reason for that except for thinking that "fate of men" is a little hard to sing. Although you do a good job of it in the MP3.

LOL, I actually wrote that line before anything else in the song. It's actually pretty easy because it flows right into the next set of lines really well, I think. Maybe not, when I re-record this I think I'll try it out and see how it flows with me. I do like the idea that Fate is the one playing tricks though. If I can get it right, it will be changed most likely.

I also need to bring the electric guitar a bit up, you really can't hear it in the chorus. I wonder if I can adjust just sections on the Micro BR. I'll have to look it up.

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@jamestoffee)
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Hey Joe,
LOL, I actually wrote that line before anything else in the song.
I don't want to influence your line changes on this song, but I will mention that Dave's idea of line switching things around is something I've sort of started picking up since joining SSG. It's amazing how a switch can get things out of a rut or bring more clarity...just a tool to add to our growing bag 'o songwriting tricks

suggestion:
This is more personal preference...for me the bridge is often quite a challenge because [and these are my assumptions] #1 It should be connected with the overall message #2 should have a bit stronger emphasis of the universality of the song...in that sense, I am not sure the bridge you have really presents something new to the song that isn't already covered, but again maybe it is and I am just missing it.

I see these two parts saying basically the same things
[Bridge]
He left from Cleveland
Didn't know he'd be leavin
He left from Cleveland
But what he left behind
Influenced the futures mind.

In Sixty-Seven
He went straight to heaven
His time cut short
But live well lived
The songs we sing
The joy it brings
It wouldn't be remiss
To say he's still missed

Also, consider placing the bridge a bit later in the song...where you have it lyrically looks like a good build up for the second run at the chorus...
.....again, feel free to take what might work for you and chuck the rest :wink:
James


   
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(@alangreen)
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Posts: 5342
 

Reads ok - I'll have a listen later as I'm at work right now

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
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(@trguitar)
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Posts: 3709
 

Hey cool! 8) I like it.

"Work hard, rock hard, eat hard, sleep hard,
grow big, wear glasses if you need 'em."
-- The Webb Wilder Credo --


   
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(@joehempel)
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Topic starter  

Doh! I re-recorded it without seeing the other posts.

James I agree about the bridge, I jut put the thing in there to break it up musically, and I didn't mention in the song he left from cleveland LOL, was the only thing I could think of, and after recording it, I think it stinks.

I also did put David's line in there, I like it alot and it wasn't much more difficult for me to sing.

The file I recorded is currently uploading so it will take about 20 minutes since I am on that archaic dial-up. Increased the volume of the electric guitar a bit, and then hopefully it ended a bit better.

Timing is an issue for me on this cut, but right now (I work 3rd shift) I'm just too tired to re-do it :lol:
Hey cool! I like it.
Thanks TR, definitely a departure of style for me, but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I just went ahead and recorded it. 8)

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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(@joehempel)
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Topic starter  

Possible new bridge:

You know you've come along way
When the music you play
Still shines a light
When you leave your life

Any thoughts/comments?

In Space, no one can hear me sing!


   
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