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SSW Week 3 - Fraydoc

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Fraydoc
(@fraydoc)
Eminent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 23
Topic starter  

The problem with narratives is that they need to be fairly long to tell a story. I wonder if that explains the relatively small number of submissions this week. This needs a lot more work, especially the chorus, and I haven't given the title any thought yet. Suggestions anyone?

He made his move on a Sunday,
One morning in the middle of June.
All his items were numbered
While his family slumbered
And he packed them in his old saloon.

The note that he left them was simple,
He was always a man of few words,
'I'm sick of the race,
Need the sun on my face
Need the freedom to fly with the birds.'

[chorus]
Through the rain
And the snow,
As the seasons march steadily by,
He fumbles life's leads
As his hairline recedes
And he wonders why he bothers to try.

He didn't stop driving 'til Monday,
Heading steadily North by the coast,
Seeking spiritual peace
And an inward release,
While longing for a warm bed and toast.

He decided to travel the country
Stayed in a series of cheap 'B and B's,
Where he went for long walks,
Attended birdwatching talks,
And watched a lot of day-time TV.

Through the rain
And the snow,
As the seasons march steadily by,
He fumbles life's leads
As his hairline recedes
And he wonders why he bothers to try.

His ambition of rural contentment
Was marred by things he hadn't foreseen.
Owls kept him from sleep,
He was allergic to sheep,
And the bedding wasn't always that clean.

The head gasket blew in Carnoustie,
The mechanic said there wasn't a chance.
The saloon was beyond saving,
And he found himself raving
At fate's latest cruel circumstance.

Through the rain
And the snow,
As the seasons march steadily by,
He fumbles life's leads
As his hairline recedes
And he wonders why he bothers to try.

It was the end of his romantic idyll,
As the pick-up towed the old car away.
He knew it was over,
This new life as a rover,
He began to wish he never had strayed.

So he packed up his meagre belongings,
Hitched a ride with a trucker he'd met,
Prepared to swallow his pride,
For he knew deep inside
That his old life was the best that he'd get.

Through the rain
And the snow,
As the seasons march steadily by,
He fumbles life's leads
As his hairline recedes
Though he knows that he must at least try.

David


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Fraydoc

I like this a lot! You tell I good story and resolve it to the logical conclusion.
On first reading I thought some of the lines were a bit long and could use
some editing. The second time though the didn't seem to be such an issue.

I guess it would all depend on the musical setting.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Raystrack
(@raystrack)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 123
 

Well, you've stolen this from my unpublished autobiography :lol:

This is really good but what are life's leads? opportunities?

http://www.raystroud.com
http://www.myspace.com/raystroud


   
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Jerboa
(@jerboa)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 79
 

Hey Fray.

Overall, i like it. :)

But....(and take this as a light-hearted jab...please!)....I need to hear some music for it. Because I found myself reading the verses like limericks...the meter and rhyming pattern matches. :oops:

edit: I don't mean this as a bad thing! Did you know that almost all of Emily Dickenson's poems can be sung to "The Yellow Rose of Texas"? :mrgreen:

There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those who think there are two kinds of people in this world, and those who don't


   
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Fraydoc
(@fraydoc)
Eminent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 23
Topic starter  

Yes, it is in the form of a limerick. I actually used a Richard Thompson tune that I especially liked as my template, from his last but one album, I think. This is meant to be light-hearted and the limerick form highlights that, I hope. Just a bit of fun, really. As for 'life's leads'; couldn't think of anything better to rhyme with 'recedes' and I didn't want to drop that, especially as my own hair is retreating at an alarming rate lately.
David


   
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Montezuma
(@montezuma)
Estimable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 121
 

I haven't given the title any thought yet. Suggestions anyone?

Attempting to Fly

Prodigal Dad

The grass aint always greener

or keeping with the limerick theme

There was an old man . . . :wink:

Nice work - a well told story
Ola

“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh


   
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