The Good Times
The breeze blew through the window of the bedroom dark and cold
As you sat quietly thinking of memories now grown old
some lines from a poem made your eyes fill with tears
from fading special moments that have happened through the years
Pray to the stars, the rainbow in the mist
Speak to the wind, let your face be kissed
by feathers of rain that falls so fine
then you'll remember the good times
You pray to capture the memory......... for just a moment in time
You try to see the candle flame, the taste of the wine
Try smelling the scent of his cologne on the shirt you gave of blue
you read lines from the poems, he wrote especially for you
In the hills of calm and silence, you think of days gone by
what were those words from the past, that made you smile and sigh
and the breeze blows through the window of the bedroom dark and cold
as you pray for the memories of the moments now grown old.
Pray to the stars, the rainbow in the mist
Speak to the wind, let your face be kissed
by feathers of rain that falls so fine
then you'll remember the good times
I think this needs a chorus, but can't come up with one at the moment !!! :wink:
ok chorus in !!!!!!!!! maybe an mp3 by next week !!!!!!!! :wink:
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hey Jamir,
Nice to see you again.
This is good you haven't lost your touch at all.
You are right though it could use a Chorus something
to pull it all together.
John
Ta ever so John,
It's good to be back, plus I am "sort of" playing mandolin and Oud now , so who knows what you peoples will be hearing from me next. A lot of different influences.
Go well
Ja'mir
P.S.
Did you see my posting on the Song Writing Forum - I am looking for a colaborater !!!!!
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Very nice, Jamir.
Joe
Ja'mir,
Fit the assignment perfectly. Really enjoyed the read. Thanks. G. :)
very nice - great to see you back
Hey Porr,
Good to hear from you, nice to be back......................... but you know what I always say... only doughnuts are nice !!!!!!!!!
When am i going tro read something from you , haven't seen your name around on the song writing forums and you are such a talented writer !!!!
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Like Celt said, good to see you back!!!
Lovely piece of writing....when I read a good lyric on this forum, I can almost see the video in my minds eye to go with it...and this certainly does that!
The length of the verse lines threw me a little at first...took me a couple of reads to put a rhythm to them...but eventually I got there...
I can see the candlelit dinner, I can taste the wine (although I'd prefer Carlsberg, Fosters or Newcastle Brown!!!) and I can even smell the eau-de-cologne...
One very tiny criticism...and it's a grammatical one....
"by feathers of rain that falls so fine" should read
"by feathers of rain that fall so fine"....a feather falls, feathers fall...
Apart from that, beautiful piece of work...look forward to the MP3 as always!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks Vic,
Nice to be back, and thanks for pointing out thr grammar error, should have picked it up myself as I teach English as a second language here in Abu Dhabi , so I am just going to put it down to age !!!!!! a great excuse and well worth using . I will make sure when I record it it is grammatically correct !!!!!!!!
Thanks again for the imput
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
I'm sure once we hear the music & your voice it will go from very nice to great - like all your other songs.
By the way, there's nothing wrong with doughnuts. If I'm not mistaken aren't they 1 of the 4 major food groups: grains, fruits & vegetables, proteins, doughnuts.
Let it rock...
Hi Jamir,
Much better than doughnuts. This one's like an apple fritter, at least :)
I love the imagery. It paints a lovely series of pictures in my mind. The memories of long ago, struggling to return to the mind - it is a feeling most everyone can relate to, and so it helps to make a connection with the audience. That's always good.
My only nitpick is this...the use of second person in this case might alienate the straight male listener, and prevents an opportunity to "create" the yearning character from scratch, since the character is the listener. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but the song might be stronger if you migrated it to the third person.
Then again, it might not. It might be worth a look, though.
Other than that, my only other suggestion would be to assign ownership of "the bedroom" in the first line. Is it "your" bedroom, "his" bedroom, a hotel bedroom, or someone else's? Since it is the "location" of the song, it couldn't hurt to better define it.
I always love reading your work. Thanks for sharing, Jamir!
Douglas
Hey Doug,
Glad to see you around again....... :lol:
I have tried out your suggestions and do agree about it sounding better in the third person, however I came up with a problem in the in the second verse as I can't think of a shirt colour to rhyme with "her", other than azure, which doesn't quite fit, , any suggestions,
On point 2, I can say the breeze blue though her window, ( or your window ) but it makes it a word to long in the meter if i explain where, any ideas on this one, as your points are very valid............... as it is, it is just mysterious !!!!!!!!!
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Ja'mir
Good to see you back - oud and mandolin - cant wait to hear the MP3!!
Excellent piece of writing (as per usual) just one minor critiicism/suggestion and that's - the first verse is all in the past tense and would have a greater impact in the present tense:
The breeze blows through the window of the bedroom dark and cold
As you sit quietly thinking of memories now grown old
some lines from a poem make your eyes fill with tears
from fading special moments that have happened through the years
Just my humble suggestion
Excellent stuff
Bob :D
You are what you eat, eat well
If you alter your voice you could possibly use silver
example
her
Silvver
Only a sugestion
cheers
:D
Hi'a
sorry for the delay with this but as they say
"LIFE HAPPENS"
you can listen to it here and as always comments are always appreciated.
http://www.mp3.com.au/track.asp?id=114279
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
