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The Storm SSG 35 - with MP3

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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Hi all,

A little wishful thinking with this weeks topic. Look forward to any comments. Thanks.

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart

THE STORM

It's quiet now and calm prevails
the storm is over and only time will tell
who survived and who was lost
if anything was gained and what was the cost

the storm is over and a new day has dawned
a new way begins after so much has gone wrong
Nature works in mysterious ways
What the reasons are, who's to say

Who knows what tomorrow may bring
and who knows what glorious things
will come our way in the light of the morning sun
with the power of darkness being overcome

It's the end of winter and the start of spring
In the distance I can clearly hear the robin sing
The carnage that was done is now part of our past
The peace at hand must be made to last

The answer is at hand for anyone to see
we need to live in harmony and we need to agree
that we are all brothers born upon this earth
and we share a common bond and the same intrinsic worth

It's quiet now and the calm prevails
Let's seize the moment and open the jails
There's a better way for you and me
the chains must be broken for us all to be free

the storm is over and a new day has dawned


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Thanks Bushpig,

I do have this bad habit of being wordy so I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Sometimes it's hard to see the obvious and an outside eye really helps.


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Neil

Nice work here and don't worry because wordiness is something that almost every writer struggles with.

One way to work through it is exactly what you're doing with your singing the song and seeing (hearing, really) what works and what can be tweaked. A good example is that you can take a line like:
It's the end of winter and the start of spring

And nicely compact it into

It's winter's end and the start of spring

Or take a line like
The answer is at hand for anyone to see

and tweak it a little more:

The answer's here and all can see

Just little bits here and there can tighten up your meter and make you less wordy.

The only thing I wonder about in this song is this verse:
It's quiet now and the calm prevails
Let's seize the moment and open the jails
There's a better way for you and me
the chains must be broken for us all to be free

The sentiment's good and it's easy to see where it comes from, but set against the "natural" background of all that preceeds it, the word "jail" seems to come completely out of nowhere and kind of jars the mind. But then again, maybe that's exactly what you want it to do.

Like your vocal approach to this and the music as well. Are you thinking of putting an instrumental verse in there somewhere?

Looking forward to more.

Peace

David


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Thanks David,

You're comments really help. The "jail" sequence alludes to prison on a number of levels . . . . . the personal self sentencing prison, and well as the establishments prisons . . . . . . and the need to abolish them at all levels and not sentence ourself to the mistakes of the past . . . . . But I admit, it does sorta come out of know where. I'll need to rethink that one.

As far as an instrumental verse, the truth is I probably need to take more of your lessons. I originally picked up a guitar about two years ago after undergoing one of those life changing events that rattle the foundation one tries to stand on. I had some words and some music whirling around in my head and I wanted to release them. After about a year and a half of working on my guitar skills, I finally felt I could stum enough to get by and put together some songs. So I've been more focused on writing lately, but I guess it's time to find a teacher and work on my playing skills.

I would like to mention, David, that I've surfed the net extensivly for guitar lessons and none even come close to the lessons you have put together. And I'm sure I speak for many others when I say "thanks!" I know a lot of work goes into bringing each lesson to reality, and your work is appreciated.


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Chefie

Nice atmosphere to the MP3 sets the mood to the song really well.

Good take on the assignment the end of the storm is a nice metaphor.

Good writing

bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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