Untitled Wk 23
Here's my reaction. Any comments or title suggestions are welcome. :)
I don't always like watching over you.
You hardly ever listen to what I ask.
When you look back at who I am
Please don't take me to task.
I used to fit shoes like yours
I once looked up to someone like me.
I used to cry like you do when I hurt
I used to believe I was free.
But oh man oh man oh man
I do what can.
I'm supposed to help you learn wrong from right
Teach you how to cross the street
But I can't ever see the differences
You won't pay heed to me.
I often agonize about you
You can't see beyond your desire
It all seems very clear for you
I'm just sinking in the mire.
Too many times I worry for you
It's a miracle you're alive
Every moment is timeless with you
Effortless you never strive.
I used to be mama's angel
Now I'm looking out for you
But there's something in me that needs fixing
All you can do is turn the screw.
I like the perspective you've taken with the reluctant guardian.
One minor glitch you might want to work out. In the third verse, following your pattern of rhyming the second and fourth lines . . . . . "street" and "me" doesn't quite fit in my book of rhymes.
Other than that, good work!
It doest fit the rhyme but if you work enunciation it has a very blues effect that can still sound in place and work well in the song. also Ive found that one or 2 breaks in a rhyme pattern makes a song seem more organic, whether It was intentional or not :)
SHUT UP ABOUT IRON MAIDEN SOLOS AND GO PRACTICE!