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w 46 - mind reader - mp3 telepathy

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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

i wish i could read peoples minds

mind reader

i can read your thoughts with my machine
know the things your feeling
clear as day upon the screen
like your sending me an email

if you're staring at it's liquid face
pictures flash before you
glimpses caught, what their eyes sought
visions that they're seeing

microphone picks up the sound to hear
whispers and their anwsers
speakers pulse, your voice calls
telling of your secrets

i can read your mind
i can see your mine
i feel what you're feeling

i can read your mind
i can see your mine
show me what you're feeling

plug it in, into the wall
charges up it's power
fourty days it's guaranteed
fits into your pocket

try it out on your next date
birdie on your shoulder
fool your friends, get in their heads
for only four hundred dollars

i can read your mind
i can see your mine
i feel what you're feeling

i can read your mind
i can see your mine
show me what you're feeling

m

sytys


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Sytys,

Interesting take on the assignment. I like the way you describe
the technology and the little sales pitch
fourty days it's guaranteed
fits into your pocket

I also like the way the chorus has the two parts.

i feel what you're feeling

show me what you're feeling

At first it feels a bit contradictory but seems the be saying
I can read your mind but if you open up you can give me more.

This part is probably just me being old fashion and romantic
but I have a slight problem with the line
like your sending me an email

For me that doesn't have the romance of something akin to
Like a late night picture show

Now for someone younger than I am that may just be plain
old fashion.

The only other thing that stands out is
try it out on your next date

It seems to me if you can read this persons mind and know they
are yours shouldn't it be " OUR" next date?

Or am I just nit picking?

Good Job

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi I agree with John here

My idea on the E:mail verse would be something like this :

I can read your thoughts with my machine
Know the things your feeling
Clear as day upon the screen
Your thoughts I am stealing

Just my humble opinion
Hilch

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

i wish i could read peoples minds
Don't we all :wink:

Hilch's rewrite of that verse works really well and is certainly something worth considering

I like this though it's quite an original take on the assignment.

There's a few minor word changes I'd suggest but I reckon if you put this to music you'll catch them anyway.

Good idea, good stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

hey guys, thanks for the input, John your right about those lines, i put the date line in to show the machines application but the line's not very universal, how many of us still go on dates, i could use try it out when you're out to lunch maybe. i also like your take on the first verse Trevor, i was trying to get out of that particular rhyming scheme but it might work here as i do have rhymes in the next two verses, Bob, i'm sure the words will be subject to a lot of tweeking when i get around to putting it to music (always the hardest part for me), any suggestions welcome, thanks again.

marty

sytys


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

"try it out on your next date
birdie on your shoulder
fool your friends, get in their heads
for only four hundred dollars"

hilarious:)

thank you, marty, for that song. i like it, but i'm glad this machine doesn't exist yet... (or maybe it does)

cheers,
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

hey, thanks bluenightangel, the song has progressed a fair bit from the original mind reader song, so much so that i renamed it telepathy, the new version is less about the invention or machine and more just about mind reading abilities so i had to edit a bunch of lines and verses, keep em for another day eh, i recorded a mp3, listen if you like, keep in mind i record on web cam so the quality is suspect, not to mention the playing and singing. thanks.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=484048

telepathy

i can read your mind, read your thoughts
know the things you're thinking
what's inside, what your eyes hide
memories that you're saving

i stare into your see through face
pictures flash within me
glimpses caught, what your eye sought
visions that you're seeing

i can read your mind
see so far behind
secrets I can steal
secrets to reveal

i can read your mind
even from behind
memories to reveal
can't believe it's real

i hear your thoughts inside my head
whispers and their answers
music pulse, your voice calls
telling me your secrets

i look into your mirrored face
look at your reflection
understood, if you could
see what i am seeing

i can read your mind
see so far behind
secrets I can steal
secrets to reveal

i can read your mind
even from behind
memories to reveal
can't believe it's real

m

sytys


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Nice Job

This isn't quite the song you started with but I like the feel of it.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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