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w10 - noon light

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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

new to this, liked the style of the group, so here goes, first song ever,,,

--------------------------------------

the sun wakes me again at noon
where do i have to be
something tells me subtley
i only need to pee

i pull outta bed at two
one thought i can't erase
i need to shake this monkey off
and scrape my hairy face

back to sleep by three
for five minutes or so
it's the only way i forget about
the places i don't have to go

drinking before four
that's what my days become
different from yesterday
it's whiskey instead of rum

stagger to my bed at night
one thought i can't escape
my days routine begins again
when at noon i see the light

-----------------------------------

sytys


   
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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
 

OK, I'm depressed! But the images are great. I can almost smell this guy from here! What kind of music are you thinking of for this?

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Pretty darn good, especially for a first effort....title caught my eye, nice word-play....

I like the way the song turns full circle and the whole routine starts again the following day....

There's only one thing I'd pick up on, and that's this:

"something tells me subtley
i only need to pee"....

when I wake up and need to visit the bathroom, believe me, there's nothing subtle about it...6'5" of naked Vic shouting "Get out of the way!!! Clear a path" and taking the stairs three or four at a time has been known to have grown women hiding under the duvet & large dogs trembling in their baskets.....

So I'd change "subtly" to "urgently"....especially as the narrator has been drinking since he got up....

Just my opinion....

Oh and welcome to Guitarnoise!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@beans7178)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 174
 

see i agree with vick when i get up i gotta go theres nothign sutle about it.

But as for the line itself im not so sure i like it when i read it the immidiate thought that crept into mind was that it came off as childish. I mean ocne again it is your first effort but it seems like something children would use( ironic , me using this critique since im only 16 myself) considering most always resort to potty humor for fun. and it is your song

Obviously its a really good first effort it could make nice quirky little break in a set for somethign maybe, not sure?

looking forward to seeing your future writing

spencer

chec out my music
http://www.myspace.com/spencerbeasleymusic
pm if u like it or send me a message on myspace


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi sytys

Welcome to SSG - glad you like the look of us :wink:

Good first post - I'd been wondering how to work in nature's early morning call

Interesting that it's started to focus comments on that particular aspect and somewhat pull the eye away from the rest of the song which as Katreich says is quite powerful in parts.

Good start though and a good first post - hopefully you'll stick around.

Look forward to more of your stuff

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi sytys! (Bob is probably glad to see another pallindromic name in the group! :wink: )

Definitely a great first song. I'd also be interested in hearing what type of music you've planned. Some of the lines seem a little uneven in terms of rhythm but can often be fixed in the mix as they say.

My only thought is the "monkey on the back" verse. Not sure whether or not the narrator would actually couple both the monkey thought with shaving. I'd tend to think that he'd be more likely to say:

i pull outta bed at two
one thought i can't erase
i need to shake this monkey
wipe the smirk right off his hairy face

Which could play into all sorts of possibilities...

Welcome again to the SSG. Can't wait to read more from you!

Peace


   
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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

thanks for the input, not too sure about the music, just pickin up the guitar so i'm pretty slow on my changes, workin it out though, cheers.

sytys


   
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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
Topic starter  

thinkin about that pee line, definitely distracts, maybe

the sun wakes me again at noon
where do i have to be
something tells me somewhere
nothing's waiting for me

sytys


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Sytys,

Welcome to SSG

I know it's been said before but Good First Effort!

I like your solution for the "pee" line it work
much better that way.

Looking forward to more.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi sytys,

Welcome to SSG, Great first effort.

I think what you did with the pee line was very good.

The “nothings waiting for me” focuses the song on the routine/mundane which is good, as per the assignment.

Cheers
Pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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 XXXX
(@xxxx)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 21
 

hey

I actually like the pee line

makes it like real true to life

if you can dig where I'm coming from

Yeah Baby Yeah


   
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