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Week 10 ( already where does the time go )

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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Well this is my latest little piece .... And I know the last line of my Chorus/Verse may cause some to take a dim view on but hey like I say build a brige and get over it.... :wink: :wink: :wink:
I was a bit peeeved off when I wrote this with my boss...

I call it

"Hypocrite"

Same old crap different day
Working for this hypocrite
Thats what I think today
I have to put up with his sh1t

Every morning the alarm goes off
Ringing in my ears
Just waiting for my next day off
To wash away my fears

I fight the morning traffic
To a job that I really hate
Accident ahead and scenes so gra---phic
kill the person who dares to call me mate

I'm sure my boss is the devil
I'm sure he is in disguise
Maybe I should become rebel
And fight for a higher pay rise

Same old crap different day
Working for this hypocrite
Thats what I think today
I have to put up with his sh1t

Every morning the alarm goes off
Ringing in my ears
Just waiting for my next day off
To wash away my fears

I would like to take satan
for a long drive
Drive down to Dayton
To se if he could survive

Every morning the alarm goes off
Ringing in my ears
Just waiting for my next day off
To wash away my fears

======================

I never said I was any good at this writting caper so all replies welcome if it is rubbish PLEASE say so don't tip toe around me I really can handle bad reviews ,, if you don't believe me I will play the guitar next time
( now that is really bad )

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
 

Ooooh, theres a person or two I know that this song could be about! (Does anyone on this forum actually like their job?)
THis is not a bad job, hilch. Seeing as I'm looking at this at work I can't take the time to make proper suggestions, but maybe just smooth out some of the rhymes. And I have to assume you're not talking about Dayton Ohio are you?

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hey Hilch

No problem with the last line of the chorus - it's the line before it that pulls me up. Why not use "day after day after day after day" instead to play out on the drudgery?

And not to start a big discussion on profanities, but quite often I find they keep people from coming up with creative ways of saying things. When you've got one catch-all word (as most profanities are because they have nothing to do with actual literal meanings), it becomes easy to use one instead of finding a way of saying something that is spot on. This is more true in conversation than writing, though.

Back to the matter at hand. Love this part:

I would like to take Satan
for a long drive
Drive down to Dayton
To see if he could survive

But again, I might change the third line to eliminate some redundancy. Perhaps:

I would like to take Satan
for a long long drive
Drop him off in Dayton
And let's see if he survives

As alway, looking forward to more of your writing.

Peace


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Hilch

Certainly gets over anger well :wink:

I have no problem with colourful phraseology as I utter more than my fair share of expletives so no probs there.

Agree with David's coments also and think is a good start or this week's assignment.

I like the idea of the boss being the devil, as obvious as it may seem, but with that I'd have been tempted to throw in some references to exorcism as a way to break the routine - May be worth a go.

Good start

bob :twisted:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Works for me....couple of good suggestions from DH and Bob....

maybe you could work on the chorus, maybe add a line, something like this....

Every morning the alarm goes off
Ringing in my ears
I just can't wait for my next day off
To wash away his jeers,
With a few well-earned beers.....

seems a little more, erm, Australian.....

seems (to me, anyway!) this'd be best done as a kind of AC/DC ish loud, angry rocker....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hilch,

Not much I can add to the good advice you have already
recieved.

I think your writing is good and the more you write
the better you will become.

Keep it up

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thank you

I really appreciate all this feed back ....

I've tried to add chords Vic but I keep getting lost with the tune and then try to sing .. Something I hust can not do yet but will keep trying ...

Is there a trick when yous' write your own lyrics and then put it to music ?

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hilch

You know where I stand on the use of those words in songs soooo I won't comment on it at all ( that word )

Ahhh the Americanisation of a another Aussie has come again ???

Dayton ? Is that the only city you could come with ? ( none in Australia would fit ?)

I may sound harsh but really Hilch .. Whats in Dayton that devil would be affraid of ?

But not all is lost I love the thought that your boss is the devil that is wonderful imagery ( and I'm sure pleanty of others feel same way )

Can I suggest that incorporate David's suggestions .. then instead of demeaning your playing by threatening to post it ...

Post it because you can play .. it's confidence mate confidence ... have a few beers then record it .. then add your lyrics over it

Just stick with those open chords you know .. play around like we did New Years Eve ...

Record it Email me I might be able to help you if not come over

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Hilch,

Not much to add to the existing comments, other than to totally disagree with this statement:
I never said I was any good at this writing caper

There is absolutely no reason why you should doubt your writing ability. Apart from a few edits to tighten this song up, this is great,

Cheers
pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thank you all for your comments

Just want to clear a few points up Dayton Ohio .. yes that was the town I refered to in this as I watched a crime show where this man murdered some people and buried them under his house , I thought that was pretty gruesome and it fitted in so well I thought why not use it .

Sorry if I have bad mouthed the town in my lyrics ( :oops: :oops: )

Vic I love your suggestion along with David's wonder if both would work I suppose thet would hey ?

Lotto sorry old boy but it just works so well for me

Thanks again for all your kind words and encouragement it really does help and mean alot to me that someone else will take time out of their busy lives to help me ........ THANKS :lol: :lol:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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 XXXX
(@xxxx)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 21
 

hey kool song man

I can heavily deal with this groove man

yeah take the fool away man

i dig the devil reference man kool

Yeah Baby Yeah


   
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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
 

I certainly don't want to incur the wrath of any people in Dayton, but it's pretty quiet there. We visited family in the area and kept asking what was interesting to see in the area. Everyone asked if we'd seen the Air Force Museum. Seems that's it!

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

hey kool song man

I can heavily deal with this groove man

yeah take the fool away man

i dig the devil reference man kool

Please explain?

I was 10 years old in 1967....that may mean something to those who were heavily into serious drugs at the time, but as a description, it's about as informative as "WOW COOL MAN!!!"

OH AND COOL IS SPELT WITH A "c" ------

Get it together, maaaaan!!!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

"hey kool song man

I can heavily deal with this groove man

yeah take the fool away man

i dig the devil reference man kool"
==================================

This poor use of the English Language really peeves me
I did some very stupid things when I was a younger man
But .... I did it where no-one could see me
and never went in public and made a fool of my self like this
XXXX FOOL
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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