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Week 14 - OWA

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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
Topic starter  

I'm still working on this one but am not sure if I should add another verse or not. I'm not sure if the comparison to animals was supposed to be similes or metaphors either, but I went with the latter of the two.

[Verse 1]
I am the poison in your vein
The rash that's driving you insane
The swelling inside your brain

You come at me, to kill the snake
But don't realize that's a big mistake
That is the last move you will ever make

[Chorus]
Challenge me and I'll bring the fight
I'll strike in the day, strike in the night
I can sense your fear as I rattle my tail
Not up to the fight, you flee and wail
You'd better run alright, save your skin
Run away before my vemon works it's way in

Run away because you know what you're into
Know you're done once I sink my fangs into you


   
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(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
 

This is good so far, though you could probably tighten it up a little.
Particulairly right here

You come at me, to kill a snake <Using the word "the" unnecissarily confuses this.
But don't realize the big mistake (This gets rid of the two "that's which pile up if you put them too close.)
of the last move you will ever make.

Know you're done once I sink my fangs in you <not sure if the into was a typo.

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi 1-wing

Im hearing this song as a gutsy rocker and its sounding pretty good to me, I might add. Saber's little tweaks are good too in my opinion, I think they would tighten it up nicely. Id love to hear this one with the volume right up. Defintely go for another verse, but take your time, this is a good song.

Good stuff

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@sytys)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 84
 

OneWingedAngel, i liked this, i like snakes, the one line that threw me was,

I can sense your fear as I rattle my tail

it sort of type casts you as a rattler, thought maybe,

i can sense your fear, cold and pale

and this half verse occured to me,

the snake you see lives within
we have been woven together as kin
my venom is poison, not a sin

not sure where to take it from here, i'll leave it up to you

sytys


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Crank up the volume and turn that gain knob to full ....

Big drums Bigger guitars and maybe a saxaphone right at the end , yeah baby bring it on...

Ok back to reality now another verse like already mentioned would be nice not too sure about what has been said about the tightening up though ( my opinion ) meters ...I would only alter That is to that's

Apart from that rock on one wing rock on

ps

Aghhh rattle snake everyone scream :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi OWA

Nice work here. The lines that don't work for me are the middle two in the chorus:
Challenge me and I'll bring the fight
I'll strike in the day, strike in the night
I can sense your fear as I rattle my tail
Not up to the fight, you flee and wail
You'd better run alright, save your skin
Run away before my venom works it's way in

The language is a little more formal than I think it has to be. We're talking snakes here, which strike faster than words, so you might want to cut out a lot of unneeded words and be as crisp as you are in the first two lines. Perhaps something like:

Challenge me and I'll bring the fight
I'll strike in the day, strike in the night
I sense your fear I raise me headl
Bare my fangs and strike you dead
You'd better run alright, save your skin
Run away before my vemon works it's way in

The only other thing, and this is truly nitpicking - but running is the easiest way for the venom to work itself in! Last thing anyone should do. But it works here because the victim is obviously not someone who's dealt with a snake! :wink:

I hope you manage to get another verse going here. Looking forward to it.

Peace


   
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