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Week 14: Stew of all kind.

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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Yay first post.
This was a tough topic to work around. I went off in one direction in the beggining then kind of ended up getting boned by it. But I'm not sure I can do better, and I'm still trying to record last weeks entry, so I'll go ahead and toss this up for the week.

Stew of all kind.

Take bulldogs, take bears
Take tame and take vicious.
Take mothers, take fathers
They'll all be delicious.

Take jocks and take freaks
enamored by hatred
Take mice and take men
they'll all be sedated.

Hold me down and take my mind
Choking, drowning all the time.
Hang on to what you can find.
In this stew of, all kind.

Haven't the nerves,
to become a creature.
Be stolen from habit
and taken by nature.
Anxious and timid
Eternally losing.
All for the sake
of being a human.

Hold me down and take my mind
Choking, drowning all the time.
Hang on to what you can find.
In this stew of, all kind.

Take away the sound.
Take away my vision.
I don't like what I've found
in this apparition.

Hold me down and take my mind
Chokin, drowning' all the time.
Hang on to what you can find.
In this stew of, all kind.

©2006 J. Aldridge

P.s. This is how to copywrite stuff right?

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Anonymous
(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 8184
 

Weird song, but nothing wrong with that. Only thing I can think of is these tw o verses don't seem to go with the rest of the song:

Take bulldogs, take bears
Take tame and take vicious.
Take mothers, take fathers
They'll all be delicious.

Take jocks and take freaks
enamored by hatred
Take mice and take men
they'll all be sedated.


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Heh, yeah, that's what I meant by boneing myself with the origional direction. The first two verses were about making a stew and eating it, but by the end of the chorus the song had suddenly become ego centric and I didn't have the energy to try to turn it back.

I'm not sure which direction I'd want to turn it towards now that it's done. The original topic was pretty limited but songs focusing on myself annoy me. I'll see what I can do with it later.

Thanks for commenting:)

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Saber,

Keep working on this.

I not sure what it is but there is something there.

I think once you get it focused you will have a good song.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Thanks Celt. Well, like usual, when I'm dissatisfied with something, I can't keep my mind off of it.
So here I am, and I've ironed out some of the kinks ya'll were taking about.
FULL OVERHAUL BABY.
And again c&c much apprechiated.

Take bulldogs, take bears
Take tame and take vicious.
Take mothers, take fathers
They'll all be delicious.

Take jocks and take freaks
enamored by hatred
Take mice and take men
they'll all be sedated.

Bind me down and take my mind
Choking, drowning all the time.
Hang on to what you can find.
In this stew of, all kind.

While feasting on dreams where
One never gets old
My stew grew a face and
Swallowed me whole.
The surface grows dim,
As I sink to the bottom.
The taste of my stew
Already forgotten.

Bind me down and take my mind
Choking, drowning all the time.
Hang on to what you can find.
In this stew of, all kind.

And I haven't the nerves,
to become a creature.
Be stolen from habit
and taken by nature.
Anxious and timid
Eternally losing.
All for the sake
of being a human.

Bind me down and take my mind
Choking, drowning all the time.
One last taste and I'd be fine
From this stew of,
All kind.

©2006 J. Aldridge

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

P.s. This is how to copywrite stuff right?

No, it's how you write that it's copyrighted, that's all. To truly copyright something, you need to file all the proper paperwork. You'll see lots of threads about this in the "Songwriting and Copyrights" Forum page and can make your own choices there.

For some folks, it's a way to kind of mark their territory, if you will. I send a copyright packet in once or twice each year (you can copyright things en masse, in essence paying one copyright fee for a bunch of songs instead of doing each one individually) and marking a song this way let's me know it's "in the process" of getting its copyright. Technizally speaking, though, they won't be copyrighted until I get confirmation from the Powers That Be.

I'm still working on "digesting" your song for this week :wink: and I'll try to post up some comments later.

Peace


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Saber,
This is an interesting song. I have to say that I like your original better. For me the original is more pure (if that's the word) I like it's simplistic elegance. That's not to say that I think the song is simplistic, far from it.
These two stanza's are great. Fo me they are the heart of the song, well done.

And I haven't the nerves,
to become a creature.
Be stolen from habit
and taken by nature.
Anxious and timid
Eternally losing.
All for the sake
of being a human.

Take away the sound.
Take away my vision.
I don't like what I've found
in this apparition.
In fact the last one Id be inclined to use as the last stanza in the song.

Cheers

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

I'd like to echo PBee's thoughts - while the second go 'round is tighter, there's something magical in the first version. You could even use this verse (with minor edits) as an introduction as well as a coda:

Take away the sound.
Take away my vision.
I can't get my head around
This vile apparition.

Any ideas on the music?

Peace


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

I'd like to echo PBee's thoughts - while the second go 'round is tighter, there's something magical in the first version. You could even use this verse (with minor edits) as an introduction as well as a coda:

Take away the sound.
Take away my vision.
I can't get my head around
This vile apparition.

Any ideas on the music?

Peace

Oye vey. Ya'll really like the first one better? It was so strained when I wrote it. And one winged angle hit the target with the inconsistancy. I suppose I could try to change that without such large alterations as the second one had. One of the big things that bothered me about the first one was the last verse. It seemed sort of like a copout for me for various reasons. One, I over use the concept of found or find, and two, I just bought the bowie cd LOW the other day and I noticed that I probably got the idea of sound and vision from the bowie song Sound and Vision. I realize I'm by far not the first artist to rip off david bowie lyrics, but I'd like to try and avoid it if I can.

Although ya'll are right. I have the bad habit of trying to spell things out too thickly like I did with the second one. It was a clear cut story, no in's, no out's, and you don't see that flying by too much in the music world. Eccept maybe with a folk song or something.

I do like your suggestion for the EVIL verse mr. hodge. But I'd probably go with this to keep with the theme and because I'm stingy about taking other peoples ideas :P

Take away the sound.
Take away my vision.
Haven't the stomock to down (Or possible lost the stomock to down, if it conflicts with previous verse or timing)
this vile apparition.

And no, I haven't even considered this musically yet. I'm still trying to record my doorman post, and am quickly loosing an uphill battle. For some reason I can't keep on tempo. I just starting using an online metranome for that song, and it sounds like I'm on it when I play, but when I go back to it I find something much different. It's very aggravating, but I'll keep at it and try to work on this before the weeks over.

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

How you delete a post?

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Karla
(@karla)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 137
 

Intriguing work! Both versions could do, I like the first one best (don't ask why though, just a feeling...) Good luck putting it to music, looking forward to it!


   
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