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Week 15 -- late and incomplete

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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

Sorry guys,

I just couldn't get it together this week. I came up with a verse and a chorus during the week, but never got it posted. I think the verse needs some tweaking, and the song of course needs more verses, but I'm pretty happy with the chorus, although I welcome any criticisms.

So you can't pronounce his name,
or the land from which he came,
and you think he kinda dresses funny too.
As he's getting on the bus,
you know he's not like us,
and you're wondering just what you ought to do.

Shake his hand,
and learn to say his name,
shake his hand,
let him know you're glad he came,
to a land,
where people can be free,
understand,
he's a lot like you and me.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Scratch,

Nice start! Needs more verses.

As I was reading I found myself singing in a John Prine fashion.

I would really like to see where you could go with this.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

OOPS :oops: Double Post

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

As I was reading I found myself singing in a John Prine fashion.

I would really like to see where you could go with this.

John

Thanks, John.

John Prine(ish) is kind of how it was rolling around in my head too. I think I'm not going to drop this one, because I'd like to see where I could go with it as well.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@dustdevil)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 99
 

I like it. I think it shows real potential. Finish it.

For the 2nd and 3rd verses you might talk about common problems and dreams, like kids that think their parents "just don't understand", a nice comfortable home of your own. Something to play up the "everyone's really basically the same" theme.

Of course, if you really want to get cynical at the end, you could have him on his way to try out for Americal Idol....(but that would probably ruin the mood of the song.) :D

John A.

They say only a pawnshop guitar can play the blues. An eBay one does it better. A guitar's bound to feel unloved if her owner plasters pictures of her over the internet for all to see and then sells her off to the highest anonymous bidder.


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

I await with baited breath for a re write.......... like what you have so far.

I can really relate to the words living in the Middle East ....... can't pronounce most of the names here

And that what the assignment was all about "sounds good" is really about relating to the writers message.

Good stuff

Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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