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Week 15 Who Knew ( Very Rough Draft )

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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

In the 70's we were all crazy
That's when I met my girl
She'd make , my toes curl
Other memories a lil hazey

Went to the same school
We had different friends
We'd meet up at schools end
Never real bad , just bending the rules

We would party hard
Every Saturday Night
Havin fun I was a card
Who knew ! ...School would be right

When every Monday came
We would be dragging our feet
Feeling drained from the lack of sleep
An every week seemed the same

Maths - English an some foreign thing
Teacher said I need to apply myself
He thinks he is Santa an I the Elf
Study really wasn't my scene

We would party hard
Every Saturday Night
Havin fun I was a card
Who knew ! ...School would be right

We would party hard
Every Saturday Night
Havin fun I was a card
Who knew ! ...School would be right

WHO KNEW !!!

Trev... 8) :note1: :note2: :note2: :note1:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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David Hodge
(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Trev

Kept hearing AC / DC or even the Kinks in my head when I was reading this. Definitely could be a rocking song.

Also enjoyed the ABBA rhyme scheme. That's not usually easy to pull off and you did a great job of it.

Especially liked this verse:
Maths - English an some foreign thing
Teacher said I need to apply myself
He thinks he is Santa an I the Elf
Study really wasn't my scene

My only thought would be to possibly make the verse before it a little more active (despite it describing a definite lack of action!):
When every Monday came
We would be dragging our feet
Feeling drained from the lack of sleep
An every week seemed the same

Maybe something like this:
When every Monday came
We would be dragging our feet
After two wild days and three nights without sleep
An every week seemed the same

Or, if you wanted to go a little more on the comedy side of things:
When every Monday came
We would be dragging our feet
Heads would hit the desks and we'd fall asleep
An every week seemed the same

Just a thought.

Nice work. Looking forward to more.

Peace


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Hey David -

Thank you kindly for reviewing this , I like what your saying , I agree it does need to be a lil more active where you outlined :)

I am liking this option
" When every Monday came
We would be dragging our feet
Heads would hit the desks and we'd fall asleep
An every week seemed the same "

Thank you for the AC/DC reference , I wish I could write for those guys :)
But yeah Rock N Roll is how I am singing it in my head :)

Thank you
Trev.. 8) :note1: :note2: :note2: :note1:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Trev,

I'm liking this :D. I think this is a big step forward in your songwriting, well done. Its got good structure, tells a story and delivers your message, "school wasn't that bad, if you look at this way".
Depending on how you put it to music you could also (don't need to btw) reinforce that message with an additional line like this:
We would party hard
Every Saturday Night
Havin fun I was a card
Who knew ! ...School would be right
Who knew ! ...We would be right
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Hey Paul ,

You got me thinking with that added line , maybe I could add to this with the narrator actually becoming a school teacher . Just messing about with it at the moment taking David's edits on board and now that has my ol brain working over time :)

Cheers
Trev.. 8) :note1: :note2: :note2: :note1:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Good start :D

I already liked the basic idea and the comments/revisions could only help to take it up a notch.

Thanks for sharing.


   
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