Skip to content
Week 16: A shuffle ...
 
Notifications
Clear all

Week 16: A shuffle and a fist.

7 Posts
4 Users
0 Likes
934 Views
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

:SUPPER EDIT!!!

Yay, first song. I WIN!!!
I'm still trying to get my last song recorded, and I probably have a couple weeks til I can get it down alright. So I probably won't bother too much with this.
Besides, I think I adopted from the Smashing Pumkins too strongly.

A shuffle and a fist.

Hello
Hello
It can't be helped
I know
I can't look back
The view here is startling.
So eager he stares at me.
Hello.

Now, wait, wait, wait.
Without a plan he tries.
In doubts remorseful grace.
You've become all you despise.
and it's real.
I swear to you
that it's real.
I swear to you
that it's real.
I swear to you
that it's real.
It's real.
Hello.

Is it fate? Just an empty bait.
A lover you can't help to hate.
A tempting tide, with no place to hide,
and an ending. Some can't bear to wait.
Whatever gave you all that will?
To take it to the storm.

Oh no, no, no.
Have you forgotten?
Forgotten where you have been?
What's eaten up your heart?
What's torn your mind a part?
What did you get for all you know?
Where did my plans go?

Hello now, until the day you drown.
Be alright, you've given up the fight.
Whatever gave you all that will?
To take it to the storm.

(Remember places that you sought.
Remember people that you fought. <--- Arrrg.
Remember triumphs that you caught. <---Either move or lose.
Give your patience to the pieces torn.)

Is it a modest gesture,
At home in anomie,
to face the morning undisturbed
for all I couldn't be.

©2006 Joshua Aldridge

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
Quote
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

well if you win for posting the first song then I win for replying to it first ..

So we are both winners :wink: :lol: :lol:

love these lines

In doubts remorseful grace.
You've become all you despise

Not too sure about this line though

to not well up with pride

for me it just doesn't flow like the rest ( might be just me )

All in all Josh great effort nice writting would love to hear it ( that would probably change my mind on the above line I mentioned )

Hilch :!:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
ReplyQuote
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

well if you win for posting the first song then I win for replying to it first ..

So we are both winners :wink: :lol: :lol:

EXACTALLY!!! We should point and jeer at the non-winners. NON-WINNERS!!

Anywho, thanks for the comments. And I think I can get the "well up with pride" part to work. I was almost certain when I wrote it that I'd have to change a few select other parts though.

As far as not recording it, like I said, I might go back on that. It bothers me being fickle about completing these songs, and just abandoning each one as a new one comes by, but I think I bit off more then I could chew with what I had prepared for the last one. More incentive to keep practicing I suppose.

I'll try to keep this one relatively simple so I can get it out.

Cheers. :wink:

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
ReplyQuote
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Josh,
Good song here. The only thing that I'm going to say is this, if I didnt know the assignment I would struggle to understand this immediately. That's not nessessarily a bad thing btw. Maybe if the title was something like "Looking Back" it might be clearer. You certainly acheived the objectives of the assignment though.

good work
cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
ReplyQuote
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Alright, some quickness to explain the edits. And I take your ambiguity comment as a compliment pbee.

I didn't think it fit to rewrite the song in a response because the changes were fairly minimal. I tightened up a little bit, made an addition/alteration to one of the verses to give a sort of corus, or maybe just reoccuring theme, to the song, and changed the ending verse because I thought the phrase "before my spirit died" sounded super hackey.

This isn't done, even in terms of lyrical edits, but I've got a lot of school work and it's going to be hard to get around to it.
I'll try my best though, and I've enjoyed reading all ya'll songs during my study breaks.

Cheers. :D

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
ReplyQuote
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Saber,

Nice work!

It seems you may be struggling with the bridge
a little from your edit notes.
Remember places that you sought.
Remember people that you fought. <--- Arrrg.
Remember triumphs that you caught. <---Either move or lose.
Give your patience to the pieces torn

I might suggest moving things around a bit:

Remember the people that you sought.
Remember the places where you fought.
Remember your triumphs were they for naught.
Give your patience to the pieces torn

I know naught is a little archaic but it retains the rhyme.

Just a thought

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
ReplyQuote
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Hey, thanks celt. And thanks for the tips, thats definately a lot cleaner.

One of the other things that bothered me about the bridge though, is that it sounded very flat. I was thinking full overhaul. What I want to try is to put a word after remember and add a second verticle ryming pattern righ there. Perhaps while the last word is A,A,A,B. To have that word be A,B,A,B, or somthing different. I've never tried anything like that, and I think it might give that part more attention, but I haven't been able to pull myself away from School work to fiddle with it long enough.

Thanks for the input :D

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
ReplyQuote