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Week 23: Brain Dama...
 
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Week 23: Brain Damaged

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(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

I can tell this is going to be one of those songs I hate "a few day's later."
BUT IT'S DONE.
DONE IS DONE!!!

Brain Damaged.

Calm in a war.
Safe for the hour.
His eye's avoid the mirror.
While he get's back in the shower.
Water fills his mouth
as he starts to scream.
The walls vibrate, shooting back his pain.
The tiles, they know of everything.

Sometimes
I loose sight of why
I would give a godamn
Brain damaged, you can
hope for angels
A light in strangers
to save you.

He's curled inside the bath.
His body lies still
The waters unstoppable
It takes away his will.
Permeates his mind.
Rises from his skin.
It erases time.
It absolves sin.
Taking to the air
It buries him in steam
He covers up his face
surrenders to a dream
He feels just fine
In a world gone black
because in his own mind
he won't be coming back.

Sometimes
I loose sight of why
I would give a godamn
Brain damaged, you can
hope for angels
A light in strangers
to save you.
To always f***ing save you.

©2006 Joshua Aldridge

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 418
 

This is very good. There are a few conflicting ideas in my head about what this guy's full story is, but sometimes a little bit of uncertainty makes me like a song that bit more.

The way you've described the scene is both poetic and very cinematic.

There are some great lines too:
The tiles, they know of everything.

It erases time.
It absolves sin.

He feels just fine
In a world gone black
because in his own mind
he won't be coming back.

Nothing to be ashamed of here, just great writing.


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
 

Wow. This one I don't think you should be regreting later. It has sort of the same meaning of "Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot, if you've ever heard it. you can
hope for angels
A light in strangers
to save you.because in his own mind
he won't be coming back.Just really awesome lines. The way you wrote it really made me feel it. The only thing that kind of bothers me is that it doesn't really go along with the assingment. The only thing that mentions about it is when you say he should hope for a guardian angel. I think if you made another verse about him either losing his angel or never having an angel it would really contour to the assingment.

Keep it up!

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Thanks Martin and Pierson, I appreciate the comments.

Yeah and Pierson, I wrote the chorus first, and it's supposed to be the rantings of a guardian angel who's become fed up with his charge. He's tired that the guy won't take action for himself and always hopes someone else will save him and change his life. (There's only so much a guardian angle can do.)
When I got into the verses it became much more about the actual person himself though, and his routine of escape. I suppose I kind of got sidetracked, but for me these weekly topics play more as initial sparks of inspiration then a guiding focus on how to write the song.
Although I should probably work on focus a little more.
Oh well, maybe next time.
PEACE!!!

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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(@pierson)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
 

ok thanks for the info. It explained a lot and now i see how it fits with the assingment better.

I would also like to see a sequal to the song. That'd be awesome.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
Topic starter  

Thanks for the comments, I'm glad ya'll like it.

And maybe I'll try a sequel, we'll see what next weeks is.

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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