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Week 23 ( no winged Angel )

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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
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Hi all this is the first time I have tried this -- and that's to follow on from last weeks song ..

My song last week was about the ex leaving and leaving the children behind .. this week it's about the children and me ...
I ' m not real sure if it's exactly how I wanted it to come across but Iam sure the very many talented writters in here will give me a bit of direction where it should be ..Anyway enough of this dribbling here it is I named it
" My no winged Angel "<-- after all it's about a little girl

Well I don't know to tie your hair back
I don't know how to press your pretty dress
And those ribbons I tie seem so slack
All those girly things there all a mess

Your mama left you
Your mama left me
Now we have to pay our dues
I am only your dad you see

She's out there seeking a better life
We are left here trying to live our lives
You're my no winged angel
We were suppose to be happy man and wife

Your mama left you
Your mama left me
Now we have to pay our dues
I am only your dad you see

No-one will harm you
I'll make sure of that
I will always be beside you
You can count on that

I'll be your guardian angel
And you will be mine as well
And the flights of my angel
Will be my heart breaking hell

Well I don't know to tie your hair back
I don't know how to press your pretty dress
And those ribbons I tie seem so slack
All those girly things there all a mess

I'm just your dad you see

===========================

All replies welcome

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@pierson)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 367
 

I'm sorry to hear she left.

Lots of good emotion here. Some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced, like you were trying to express something that would be too hard to put into words (always a problem with me.) There is great potential in this song, I just think it could use some touching up a bit.
I'll be your guardian angel
And you will be mine as well
And the flights of my angel
Will be my heart breaking hell
If the whole song had some more verses like that one it would be awesome.Will be my heart breaking hell
I think this was saying that the little girl lets you forget all of your worries. But, wouldn't "breaking from hell" be easier to understand?

I would also love to hear it with music. Keep it up.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
 

I like the idea behind your song but I feel the line "I am only your dad" is a bit unnecessary. We can already deduce that from the lyrics and stating it seems a bit unsubtle and cheesy. Apart from that it's all pretty decent.


   
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(@saber)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
 

I like it, but it could probably be cleaned up a little.

We are left here trying to live our lives <I would avoid putting lives and life right next to each other.
She's out there seeking a better life <Moving this here allows you to change the first line to whatever you want.
You're my no winged angel
We were suppose to be happy man and wife

I agree with Martin on that dad line. How about "this is how it's got to be," or something of that nature?
I would keep "I'm just your dad you see," though, in the end. It's a real good closer.

I hope that helps. KEEP IT UP!!!

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

Sorry to here about your ex Hilch, that's pretty said stuff.

This kind of thing has a lot of potential due to the emotion. I like because it's raw, but I think it could use some rephrasing. Some lines seem kind of forced.

Well I don't know to tie your hair back
I don't know how to press your pretty dress
And those ribbons I tie seem so slack
All those girly things there all a mess

This is a very desprictive voice, but some of the words seem to much.

Well I don't know how to tie your hair back
I don't know how to mend your dress
all thses ribbons seem so slack
your girly things there all a mess

Very subtle changes, but to me anyhow, they seem to make a better flow. I don't want to mentioning changing much, because it's a very personal song, but taking out some syllables might give it a smoother feel.

Good job!

Keep it up!

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks for all the feed back

I feel I should explain something here though

My ex and I parted morre then20 years ago , it's not like it happened recently ..

The little girl in this has a baby of her own now ...

I just wanted to write a song to follow on from last weeks effort ..

HIlch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@off-he-goes)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

Thanks for all the feed back

I feel I should explain something here though

My ex and I parted morre then20 years ago , it's not like it happened recently ..

The little girl in this has a baby of her own now ...

I just wanted to write a song to follow on from last weeks effort ..

HIlch :?:

Oh well that changes this a bit I guess, but it still doesn't make the song any less personal. Either way, it's a good song.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@saber)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 350
 

Thanks for all the feed back

I feel I should explain something here though

My ex and I parted morre then20 years ago , it's not like it happened recently ..

The little girl in this has a baby of her own now ...

I just wanted to write a song to follow on from last weeks effort ..

HIlch :?:

CONGRATS ON THE GRANDCHILD THEN!!!

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thank you Saber

He ( grandson) is as cheeky as his grandad

and thank you Off he Goes

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1259
 

So do you have any music planned for this piece?

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

currently working on music

thinking open chords ( my favourites ) G . D.C ( G.C D )

with chorus being G.D.Am ..

Getting ready to go to work at the moment .. hopefully will have it done by Thursday Australian time

Not real good on barre chords to put them in a song that I post yet

hilch

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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