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Week 30 - This grudge, I'm going to hold

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rocketgirl
(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Celt, how did we end up doing the same thing again? Funny eh? Here's mine. A country tune with a quicker beat. G. :)

v.
I heard you're comin around again
He said you're lookin for me
Where'd ya go, where ya comin from
Why can't you let me be

v.
Girlfriend says you're lookin mighty fine
Did you come back to stay
Lose my pride, take you for a ride
I'm gonna have my way

Chorus (Bob)
I've tried to let you go
And let this fire grow cold
But I still burn deep inside
This grudge, I'm going to hold (gjbrake)

v.
You've been gone forever and a day
And left what mattered most
Forget to feel and walk toe to heel
Escorted by your ghosts

v.
Even in darkness I see you shine
Your shadow chases me
Light of day gives you all away
With so much more to prove

Chorus (Bob)

Bridge

Did you think I'd be
Right where you left me
Standing still waiting
Patiently
I'm all that's behind
And now I'm smiling on the inside

I included the bridge because it seemed to work well with the rest and didn't want to leave it out. Comments welcome. Thanks. G.


   
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mysticmoonangel
(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 166
 

i like what you did with this one
but most of all i like verse #3
good lyrics

mystic


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi G,

I can definitely hear this as a country number. I would have like to hear a bit more about why he left and why you still love him. Funny how we see things differently, Im not so keen on v3 the "forever and a day" its a little bit trite (blame slowplay for that word) for me. "walk toe to heel", not sure what that means. But I do like the Bridge that works really well for me.
Overall though you did good :D .
BTW feel free to rip my song to bits :P

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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rocketgirl
(@rocketgirl)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

pbee,

You're right about forever and a day, thought about it before but just needed to hear it. Thanks.

Forget to feel walk toe to heal

My meaning was that "he" left the relationship (forget to feel), emotionally and physically, toe to heal (walk backwards) I'm going to make some changes that you suggested, and I'll post the rewrite. Thanks for your comments. G. :)


   
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mysticmoonangel
(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 166
 

hi rocketgirl

when reading verse #3 my interpitation of

"Forget to feel and walk toe to heel"

was that when he left he closed off his emotions walked away and never looked back or tried to see if the relationship could be fixed
(one foot in front of the other with no room to turn)

once again great lyric

mystic


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Rocketgirl

I don't know either, but you went in a different direction
both times with great results. Good Job!

I may be getting really picky here but I always thought a
bridge was a passage connecting two sections of a composition.

What you have written here reads more like an epilogue.

But who cares what you call it it's well written and it works.

Just to give a "heads up" my initial pick for week 31 is Broken Beer Bottles and Broken Dreams (Constantyne)

That may change but as of now that's where I'm heading

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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rocketgirl
(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Here's the rewrite, thanks everybody for your input.

The Celt wroteI may be getting really picky here but I always thought a
bridge was a passage connecting two sections of a composition.

I was hoping to connect by the verses being indecisive of whether or not she was going to take him back. Chorus her wanting to. Bridge connect by her deciding not to. I do agree that it sounds also like an epilogue. As for being picky, pick away! This is a great forum and if I didn't receive constructive critisism on what needs reworking than I wouldn't have a chance of getting better. I don't know if I captured what I wanted to but here it is.
Thanks again. G. :)

Title: Gjbrake
Chorus: Bob

v.
I heard you're comin around again
He said you're looking for me
Your ring is gone, are you back to belong
Why can't you let me be

v.
Sparks are flying from behind my disguise
Did you come back to stay
Could you be better off with me
You might just be too late

Chorus
I've tried to let you go
And let this fire grow cold
But I still burn deep inside
This grudge, I'm going to hold

v.
I only wanted somebody to love
You left what mattered most
Forgot to feel and walked toe to heel
Escorted by your ghosts

v.
Even in darkness I see you shine
Shadows chase every move
Light of day, gives you away
With so much more to prove

Chorus

Bridge
Did you think I'd be
Right where you left me
Standing, still, waiting
Patiently
Now I'm all that's behind
And smiling on the inside


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi G,
I only wanted somebody to love
You left what mattered most
Forgot to feel and walked toe to heel
Escorted by your ghosts

This definitely works better for me :D . I like the "I" aspect of the first line and the the jump to the "You" of the second line.

Well done.

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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SlowPlay
(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Im not so keen on v3 the "forever and a day" its a little bit trite (blame slowplay for that word)

Hey! :o :D

Hey, rocket, I like the changes. Good work on moving the first two verses from narrative to picture.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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