Hi every1. First ever post on gn, saw this songwriting club n quite liked the idea, figured i'd give it a crack. All comments greatly appreciated.
This song is basically about how it's quite easy to get in2 a habit of seeing the bad in everythin, but often the difference is in your attitude rather than just what is happening 2 u. Hopefully that makes some kindve sense. Anyways, have a read and any hints u can give would be great.
Mr Melancholy
Have you ever sat at home
With the lights off, on your own
And the whole world is against you?
And theres nothin' you can do
To stop you feelin' blue
'Cos the whole world is against you
You turn to Mr Melancholy
You turn to Mr Melancholy
He's in you....
You look back on your life
It seems so filled with strife
The whole world is against you
Seems all you do is cry
And still you don't know why
The whole world is against you
You turn to Mr Melancholy
You turn to Mr Melancholy
He's in you....
Why can't things just go right, for a change
Just see beyond the night, for a change
I think its time for you, to make a change
In you....
Your start to realise
What's right before your eyes
The whole worlds not against you
The good times that you've had
Far outweigh the bad
And the whole worlds not against you
And you don't need Mr Melancholy
No more Mr Melancholy
You don't need Mr Melancholy
But he's in you.....
Hi Tonyj444,
Welcome to the forum. I like what you've done here and think this song has some great potential. A couple of thoughts that crossed my mind were these:
And the whole world is against you?
That line and the other incarnations of it seems a little hard, I would be tempted to soften it/them a bit with something like
And the whole world seems against you?
Also the way the chorus reads at the moment its as if Mr Melancholy is another person altogether and not what you turn into. Maybe something like:
You turn into Mr Melancholy
You turn into Mr Melancholy
And he's turns into you....
Anyway just my thoughts, I think it's pretty good really.
Cheers
Paul
Hello and welcome
For a first post is very good , I like the Pbee's ideas
Thanks for posting it's always good to see faces and hope you continue to post in .
Hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
You don't need Mr Melancholy
But he's in you.....
I love little twists like this in songs, it really makes the difference between it being 'just words' or being a story. Nice work all around!
Tony
Welcome to GN & SSG.
Good song I think Paul has made some good suggestions
and hope you don't mind a couple more.
I like the way you change things around in the middle
Why can't things just go right, for a change
Just see beyond the night, for a change
I think its time for you, to make a change
In you....
A thought on that part would be to add to the last line
Something like:
Why can't things just go right, for a change
Just see beyond the night, for a change
I think its time for you, to make a change
Your life you need to rearrange
On the last verse:
And you don't need Mr Melancholy
No more Mr Melancholy
You don't need Mr Melancholy
But he's in you
Maybe something like:
And you don't need Mr Melancholy
No more Mr Melancholy
You don't need Mr Melancholy
But he's inside of you
Looking foward to more
John
Why can't things just go right, for a change
Just see beyond the night, for a change
I think its time for you, to make a change
Your life you need to rearrange
Just my $0.02 and no offense intended, but I think that forcing a sentence into an awkward shape to fit a rhyme sounds terrible. Rhyming's over-rated as far as songwriting goes anyway :)
Just my $0.02 and no offense intended,
No offense taken. Just a friendly exchange of ideas.
John
Hey every1, thanks very much for your comments. sorry for my lack of a reply, Bulldog decided 2 disconnect my internet a week early, so ive only just got back online. Been busy while i was offline tho, amanged to come up with some guitar to go with the lyrics, so i guess that makes this officially my first ever song! :-o
Paul: It's interesting you say that, cos originally i had it as seems, but this felt like it was 2 much like the view of an exterior obsever, whereas when your in that state yourself its quite easy to be convonced that it IS against you. I guess either works really, maybe its worth mixing it up in the different verses.
Hilch: Tx very much, i hope i'm around here a lot as well (nowe im back on the internet)
John: I agree with CandS here, i think your suggested rhyme sounds a little forced. However i do feel that that bridge is a little weak, originally it didn't have the 'Just see beyond the night.....' line, but then it seemed a bit short. Definitely not quite right tho.
Anyways, onwards and upwards. Time to make a somewhat belated start 2 this weeks task. And me off on me hols on saturday..... ohh, its a hard life you know :-p
Tony
