WEEK 34 Socially Dead ( Adult Theme ) MP3

Hello Mate

The chorus is written very well ( I enjoyed it )

I am not too sure on the subject myself but it's apart of life no days isn't it where everything is dicussed in a open sort of forum .

I do think you tried to do this tastefully and with out demeaning the English language by using the dreaded slang for this ..

Not too bad Hilch

Not brilliant either but hey your getting the meters better

keep up the writting

L.K

Gee Pete

I have not heard that song by the hooks ( R I P Shirl ) in years
( you have a good memory )

Your suggestion is possible as it still has the exact meaning as mine ..

And it gives a more secluded lonely sense to the line ..

I waas going to have a bridge along the lines of

Your greatest moment
Was spent alone
Standing so tall
Waiting to fall

But decided against it .. I suppose this song might burn some bridges for me in here as well ..

Hi Hilch
This song writing thing is coming along nicely I think. From my point of view the chorus works because it makes a single point, i.e. If you don't go out you will become socially dead. V1 is the same – good. V2 the last line doesn't support the theme of the verse, he's burnt his bridges, now he's alone. What's his eyes got to do with it ?. V3 good, all lines support the point. V4 you've got two points going on in here, Id be inclined to go with only 1. Either the one about how he doesn't muck about, or the one about, she's gone he's alone. The latter one would be my pick so Id rewrite the 1st two lines of this verse to support that point.

Only my opinion of course.

Cheers
Paul

Taken advise on board :

Altered that line Bushpig suggested , abd stole his words :oops:

Pbee : this is what I originally had in that verse you mentioned maybe it was better then what I cahnged it to ?

Burnt all of your bridges
With all of your lies
Now your all alone
With your lying eyes < With no-one to despise

Sorry Pbee but the first line in this verse has 2 meanings if everyone looks close enough , I left the word BUT out which makes a difference I think ....Then I went down the track of her leaving maybe this is better ?

Never married but never alone
It was you who turned her heart to stone
She was only one to love you dear
Now Master Bates lives lonely here

I like the red line edits :D , they work for me.

Well done

Paul

I am a bit surprised :o :o :o

I thought Ahh never mind that will just give someone ideas
Hi Hilch
This song writing thing is coming along nicely I think

Only when the beers flows mate :lol: :lol:

thanks for the feed back

Paul , Pete , L.K

Hilch :?:

Reads a lot better with the edits. BTW, my stepdaughter is Mrs Bate.....so I had a good chuckle at this one, although she only has two daughters, so I can't send birthday cards to "Master Bate"......funny thing, those two daughters were both born on April 14th, albeit four years apart...and we have another grandkid who wsa born April 15th....

Hilch, I agree whole-heartedly with LK - you're really getting the hang of this songwriting, you can tell a good story and frequently raise a smile....keep up the good work!

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks for the feed back Vic

Hi Hilch,

My brother-in-law tells that same story only the
boy in his class was named Bator. Anyways boys
will be boys.

I think everything has been said already.

All I can add is that it good to see that you're not
afraid to go back and edit when needed.

John

Thanks John

Yeah I am here to learn , and hopefully I am am getting better 8)

With Paul , Vic , Lk and yourself giving me a education in songwritting maybe aI'll be able to write that killer song one day :lol:

Hilch :?:

edit words used on my recording

I am now running away to join the circus and change my name so no-one ever know who I am :lol: :lol: :lol:

Socially Dead

For it's early to rise

And It's early to bed

It'll keep you healthy

But socially dead

Too much of that

Will send you blind

Whats good for your soul

May not be good for your eyes

Burnt all of your bridges

With all of your lies

Now your all alone

With no-one to despise

For it's early to rise

And It's early to bed

It'll keep you healthy

But socially dead

You did her wrong

It didn't take you long

Now you help your self

You don't care if it's right or wrong

Never married but never alone

It was you who turned her heart to stone

She was only one to love you dear

Now Master Bates lives lonely here

For it's early to rise
And It's early to bed
It'll keep you healthy
But socially dead