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WEEK 34 Socially Dead ( Adult Theme ) MP3

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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Hi everyone , Well people told me to keep recording don't blame for loss of hearing .. I tried to do a Tom Petty thing but I failed BIG TIME

Well I wrote this last week as a different sort of song , it was to help me learn KEY signatures like the key of C = C, Dm, Em, F, G, Am
Hope I got that right , ( thanks to everyone for helping me with some theory lately you know who you are :lol: )

The original song was first posted here :

https://www.guitarnoise.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=25439

This wasn't my idea for the song at all until it was highlighted to me that I could do alot more with it , which I think I have . To me it is a bit funny as a mate of mine is named Mr Bate when we were growing up the teachers would call us boys Master . All hell would break out when they yelled Master Bates ...

So here it is hope it brings a smile ....

Socially Dead

For it's early to rise
And It's early to bed
It'll keep you healthy
But socially dead

Too much of that
Will send you blind
Whats good for your soul
May not be good for your eyes

Burnt all of your bridges
With all of your lies
Now your all alone
With your lying eyes

For it's early to rise
And It's early to bed
It'll keep you healthy
But socially dead

You did her wrong
It didn't take you long
Now you help your self
You don't care if it's right or wrong

Never married never alone
For Mr bates , he does not wait
She was only one to love you dear
Now only Master Bates lives here

For it's early to rise
And It's early to bed
It'll keep you healthy
But socially dead

==========

As per usual all comments appreciated , I was thinking a bridge might work but just could not seeem to place it in ... :wink:

Hilch :?:

IT'S ON MY LINK

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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lotto king
(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hello Mate

The chorus is written very well ( I enjoyed it )

I am not too sure on the subject myself but it's apart of life no days isn't it where everything is dicussed in a open sort of forum .

I do think you tried to do this tastefully and with out demeaning the English language by using the dreaded slang for this ..

Not too bad Hilch

Not brilliant either but hey your getting the meters better

keep up the writting

L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Gee Pete

I have not heard that song by the hooks ( R I P Shirl ) in years
( you have a good memory )

Your suggestion is possible as it still has the exact meaning as mine ..

And it gives a more secluded lonely sense to the line ..

I waas going to have a bridge along the lines of

Your greatest moment
Was spent alone
Standing so tall
Waiting to fall

But decided against it .. I suppose this song might burn some bridges for me in here as well ..

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Hilch
This song writing thing is coming along nicely I think. From my point of view the chorus works because it makes a single point, i.e. If you don't go out you will become socially dead. V1 is the same – good. V2 the last line doesn't support the theme of the verse, he's burnt his bridges, now he's alone. What's his eyes got to do with it ?. V3 good, all lines support the point. V4 you've got two points going on in here, Id be inclined to go with only 1. Either the one about how he doesn't muck about, or the one about, she's gone he's alone. The latter one would be my pick so Id rewrite the 1st two lines of this verse to support that point.

Only my opinion of course.

Cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Taken advise on board :

Altered that line Bushpig suggested , abd stole his words :oops:

Pbee : this is what I originally had in that verse you mentioned maybe it was better then what I cahnged it to ?

Burnt all of your bridges
With all of your lies
Now your all alone
With your lying eyes < With no-one to despise

Sorry Pbee but the first line in this verse has 2 meanings if everyone looks close enough , I left the word BUT out which makes a difference I think ....Then I went down the track of her leaving maybe this is better ?

Never married but never alone
It was you who turned her heart to stone
She was only one to love you dear
Now Master Bates lives lonely here

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

I like the red line edits :D , they work for me.

Well done

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

I am a bit surprised :o :o :o

I thought Ahh never mind that will just give someone ideas
Hi Hilch
This song writing thing is coming along nicely I think

Only when the beers flows mate :lol: :lol:

thanks for the feed back

Paul , Pete , L.K

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Vic Lewis VL
(@vic-lewis-vl)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Reads a lot better with the edits. BTW, my stepdaughter is Mrs Bate.....so I had a good chuckle at this one, although she only has two daughters, so I can't send birthday cards to "Master Bate"......funny thing, those two daughters were both born on April 14th, albeit four years apart...and we have another grandkid who wsa born April 15th....

Hilch, I agree whole-heartedly with LK - you're really getting the hang of this songwriting, you can tell a good story and frequently raise a smile....keep up the good work!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks for the feed back Vic

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hi Hilch,

My brother-in-law tells that same story only the
boy in his class was named Bator. Anyways boys
will be boys.

I think everything has been said already.

All I can add is that it good to see that you're not
afraid to go back and edit when needed.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

Thanks John

Yeah I am here to learn , and hopefully I am am getting better 8)

With Paul , Vic , Lk and yourself giving me a education in songwritting maybe aI'll be able to write that killer song one day :lol:

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
Topic starter  

edit words used on my recording

I am now running away to join the circus and change my name so no-one ever know who I am :lol: :lol: :lol:

Socially Dead

For it's early to rise

And It's early to bed

It'll keep you healthy

But socially dead

Too much of that

Will send you blind

Whats good for your soul

May not be good for your eyes

Burnt all of your bridges

With all of your lies

Now your all alone

With no-one to despise

For it's early to rise

And It's early to bed

It'll keep you healthy

But socially dead

You did her wrong

It didn't take you long

Now you help your self

You don't care if it's right or wrong

Never married but never alone

It was you who turned her heart to stone

She was only one to love you dear

Now Master Bates lives lonely here

For it's early to rise
And It's early to bed
It'll keep you healthy
But socially dead

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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