This lesson has already been learned
these waves have already crashed and burned
here comes the end to all my fun
stabed in the back and shot with the gun
I've been in this mess once before
I'm a blank soul and nothing more
(chorus)
Here comes my reality
I can let go of the bore
Left by myself
and I'm dead the floor
This life has come to be so dull
My brain is fried, in a cracked skull
I finally let the sand out of my shoes
I found it was my time to pay my dues
The ocean seems so distant to me
My mind is locked you hold the key
(chorus)
Lonely without the ocean breeze
I already know my abc's
I frown from what has to end
but smile at what starts again
I write your name in the sand
I spill my soul out all is grand
It's not the greatest song I've wrote but yeah its still cool. I'm not to great with titles either. And I'm not sure how my spelling and puncuation is.
hey white,
i am going to have to sit and read through this one again. there is some great imagery here, but at the same time i am lost in what the story is about. i will comment more after i read it again.
-CheapThrill
The story was about the summer ending and a summer relationship ending with it, but at the same time being happy about being able to start over. Sorry for anyone trying to figure it out for themselves
nice stuff white.
the only line i would change is
My brain is fried, in a cracked skull
it just didnt seem to fit in with the rest of the song. the sentiment did, but not the image.
aside from that, good stuff
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
hi white:)
some lines I'm really fond of:
I'm a blank soul
The ocean seems so distant to me
My mind is locked you hold the key
I already know my abc's
great job!
as for grammar and stuff, might be just accidently but isn't it 'have already been crashed...'(unless you mean the waves crash something and burn something, active not passive?) and 'dead on the floor' ??? :wink:
these waves have already crashed and burned
and I'm dead the floor
overall I enjoyed reading, good song:)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
I was sort of dreading my own critique of this song. I don't want to seem overly harsh because i don't want to discourage writers.... (well most of them anyway... but I wont get into that here.) Having said that...
I feel your rhyming is very forced throughout and the couplet rhyme scheme you've chosen is a bit blunt and stilted. Damages the flow for me.. every rhyming pair of lines makes you stop.. then start again at the next line and that doesnt lend itself to smooth reading. Also... your images are kind of muddled... ocean waves don't crash and burn.. they're made of water. So the mind stumbles on that one.
I would ask that you work on your flow and structure.. and then on your images... make them a little more coherent in future work.
-marv
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Hi White,
I'd second what others have said already. It seems you have a good core here, but I'm having a hard time following it. The images and ideas could be a little more connected. The overall feel for the song seems angry and violent throughout, until the last verse, where it seems to pick up, in a kinda hopeful, light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel way. I like that, I'm a sucker for happy endings. Hope to see more writing of yours here.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
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