Week 44 Jack Mckenzie All New Version !!!!

very powerful portrait

Oh, I LIKE it!

You've taken a character everyone knows, but knows next-to-nothing about, and fleshed him out beautifully. The only minor quibble I have is with the "all the lonely people" line, and that's just probably me - I'd have written "all those lonely people" so it's A - not a direct quote, and B - slightly more subtle, "all the lonely people" is instantly recognisable and gives the game away a bit. And beside, PM can still afford to hire good lawyers..... :roll:

Looking forward to hearing this.

:D :D :D

Vic

Very nicely done! Who would have thought all that about the Father without you bringing him to life. And you did bring him to life.

Neil

Ay Yes,

Fine family those Mackenzies

I hear he had a sister who was a nun.

Saints Be Praised!

Ay Yes,

Fine family those Mackenzies

I hear he had a sister who was a nun.

Saints Be Praised!

She's not nun anymore, but that's another song, isn't it? :D
Here's the soundclick link:
Song page: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6857175
Thanks for all the feedback, everyone!

She's not nun anymore, but that's another song, isn't it? :D

Anyways very nice MP3 all it needs is some Penny Whistle in the background.

John

Beeeyoooooteeeeeful!

WOW!

:D :D :D :D :D

Vic

Nicely done, Kathy.

Couple of ideas / suggestions / thoughts - let's go with the nitpicky one first:

Second line, second stanza - perhaps replacing "lowly" with "humble." For some reason "lowly" brings a bureaucratic hierarchy to mind and that also brings ambitions to mind. I think that Father MacKenzie, given your portrait of him, probably wouldn't be looking at it in those terms.

Okay, then. In the verse immediately after the first chorus:
So Jack Mackenzie became a parish priest
Not too concerned with his future in the least
He wrote the sermons, he heard their sins
And he'd admonish them not to sin again.
A man of morals, a man of god
A very lonely man ‘neath priestly façade

The power of most of your lyrics in this song comes from you giving detatched description and allowing the listener to fill in the blanks in his or her own way. Here, I think you're giving up too much on the internal side, especially in the second and last lines, and it loses a bit of its power. The middle two lines are great and should, I think, close out the verse, so the last two lines might benefit from a move and a rewrite. So here's a suggestion (and not the greatest, either):

So Jack Mackenzie became a parish priest
Tended all his flock from the richest to the least
Caring for the sick or visiting the old
Praying for God's blessing on every single soul
He wrote the sermons, he heard their sins
He'd sigh and then admonish them not to sin again.

As always, just ideas and thoughts. And, again as always, a pleasure to hear and listen.

(and rewriting this made me think of a great rewrite for a line in No Reflection - how about "turning my back on my humanity?" Sorry. Just came to me...)

Looking forward to more.

Peace

Kath.... :D
Wow is right!

I just love your voice; So powerful.

And the lyrics were great.

Wonderful minor character to choose.

I agree.... Wonderful portrait.
Not an easy task.
It would have been really easy to give too much information and
run the risk of making Father Mackenzie into a story that could be about ANY priest.
As Chris C. likes to point out; People are not as individualistic as they would like to think that they are!

Luckily you have the musical question of wondering about all the lonely people to set him apart.
And as it turns out, Father Mac is one of those lonely people himself, even though he is a 'man of God' (Love the contradiction in terms there.... almost an oxymoron) who lived just an ordinary life like you and me.

Wonderful! :mrgreen:

Which brings me to my first bit of (almost) criticism:
The 'Man of morals, a man of God; A very lonely man 'neath priestly facade' bit....
That could be a powerful statement, and a very vivid one at that.

Like David, I don't have THE answer here.... I'll throw something out though:

A man of morals
A man of God's new testament
A lonely man
in long black vestment

With 'facade', I think you were looking for the whole package of priestliness....
Though I was thinking of painting a more common picture of him looking lonely in his priestly garb,
perhaps a sad look on his face, eyes cast down to the floor as he walks the halls.

Anyway - sorry, couldn't think of anything good to rhyme with 'vestment' (what priests wear). :roll:

My other concern is that I'm pretty sure that Mackenzie is a Scottish name! :wink:
(Which could be a rather large can of worms to open! Gaelic, Scots-Irish, the history and origin of Ireland and Scotland,
even the meaning of the word Scotland and where it came from.... Oh well :twisted: )

GREAT SONG!

Sorry if I made no sense.... I'm pretty tired.
Had to comment though :wink:

Ken

Thanks all for the comments and suggestions. Let's just say that Jack is Scots/Irish and leave it at that shall we?
I've done a re-write with some of the suggestions. See what you think:

Young Jack Mckenzie, sweet Irish lad
Came from a family where hard luck was all they had
His sainted mother, worked herself to death
Made him promise to her with her dying breath
That he would go to the Fathers up the road
And young Mackenzie always did what he was told.

Young Jack Mckenzie, his mother's pride and joy
Started out as a humble altar boy
Quick with his studies , light on his feet
They sent him off so that he could be a priest
So he learned the dogma, he learned the prayers
Though young Mackenzie wasn't sure why he was there.

“So I baptize and I bury
From the cradle to the grave
I confirm and then I marry
For we must all be saved.”

So Jack Mckenzie became a parish priest
Tending his flock from the richest to the least
He brought them comfort, he made them whole
Leaving a blessing with every single soul
He wrote the sermons, absolved their sins
Told them to go forth and not to sin again.

So I baptize and I bury from the cradle to the grave
I know I'll never marry, but pray that I'll be saved

Father Mckenzie, in his room alone at night
Flips through his photographs, he knows them all by sight
Some bring him sorrow, some bring him joy
Some make him think back to when he was a boy
All those lonely people, where do they go?
That's what Mackenzie would really like to know

So I baptize and I bury from the cradle to the grave
We believe, but we are wary
Will we all be saved?

Young Jack Mckenzie, at his mothers knee
Lived just an ordinary life like you and me.

09/01/08

Hey Kathy,

I like the rewrite but one very minor thing has gotten in my head.
That's what Mackenzie would really like to know

I know that this a small thing but for some reason I'm getting a bit OCD about it.

Is the word really the proper word here? I seems to stick out as slightly mundane
compared to the language usage in the rest of the song.

I'm don't have the answer what to use instead. Maybe surely?

Or I'm just going nuts and obsessing about something silly :roll:

John

Hi Kathy,

great song.
That's what Mackenzie would really like to know

I'm with John with regard to this line, the word really does kind of imply an imperative that has not been evident through the rest of the song. Maybe something like the following:

Father Mackenzie, in his room alone at night
Flips through his photographs, he knows them all by sight
Some bring him sorrow, some bring him joy
Some make him think back to when he was a boy
All those lonely people, they never seemed to belong
Like Jack Mackenzie alone with his God for so long

Yes I know the 2nd to last reads even more like the original but I don't think that matters because we know you are alluding to that original line anyway. I use Jack in the last line cos I think at this point Father Jack is at his most vulnerable and maybe even questioning his own faith, I think using his name humanises him even more. Anyway just an idea.

Cheers
Paul

It's interesting how one little word makes a difference! Going back and listening to the original record, I noted that when singing, I didn't even use it! Thanks for all the input. Ive re-recorded, same link as before:

Song page: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=6857175