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Week 44 Y 7

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(@coolnama)
Prominent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 590
Topic starter  

BAM another song :O I am on fire.

I still remember your breathing
while we laid down in bed
I still remember so sweetly
what you said

It felt so right being with you
I had no things on my mind
the things you said I repeat them
over and over again

What price do we pay?
to stay ahead of time
What price do we pay, to feel alive

I still remember the raise in pitch
as you described our love
I still remember the summers
we spent

I can still feel you walking
busily across the room
I can picture you singing
Under our moon

and What price do we pay?
to stay ahead of time ?
What price do we pay
to feel alive

I still remember the raindrops
that fell on our first kiss
I still remember the things
I thought Id never miss

I still remember your cold hands
When darkness took you away
I still remember your blue eyes
And how they;ll always say:

What price do we pay ?
To stay ahead of time
What price do we pay
To feel alive.

Ok no killing of the love, killing of the bride, Im not sure about the last verse and about how her eyes will always say, eyes dont speak, but maybe they will say to him.. something O_O. Maybe its too convoluted ? More suggestions, please :D

Im sorry for killing the bride lol.

I wanna be that guy that you wish you were ! ( i wish I were that guy)

You gotta set your sights high to get high!

Everyone is a teacher when you are looking to learn.

( wise stuff man! )

Its Kirby....


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

That's a good start.
As far as putting an end to it . . . I don't see the need to kill off the romance.
I kind of like leaving it up in the air . . . the way it is.
Someone just singing about some fond memories.

The last line in each verse seems short.
But that's only because I don't know what tune and beat you have in mind . . . so that doesn't matter.
I imagine it fits what you have in mind.

(sigh . . . aren't those summers off from school nice?) :mrgreen:

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@coolnama)
Prominent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 590
Topic starter  

It fits ^^

Oh yeah those summers away from my chemistry teacher, the problem is she teaches all the sciences xD, so I have to see her every year, only two more years to go :) before Im free as a mockingbird 8).

Ah yes the last verse thats because there is a bit of a silence at the end, thats why they are so short ^^, silences are important too :D.

I wanna be that guy that you wish you were ! ( i wish I were that guy)

You gotta set your sights high to get high!

Everyone is a teacher when you are looking to learn.

( wise stuff man! )

Its Kirby....


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

Here's a link to my PowerPoint web page.
Although I'm retired, my webpage hasn't been taken down yet.
It's just some presentations I came up with to illustrate some topics I taught.
http://teachers.dadeschools.net/krogers/pages/page10/page10.htm
I'm sure you'll really enjoy these . . . (sinister laugh)

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

I agree. Good start :D

I like this verse a lot:

I still remember the raise in pitch
as you described our love
I still remember the summers
we spent

Suggestion:
What price do we pay?
to stay ahead of time
What price do we pay, to FEEL alive

Consider "FEEL" instead of "stay".....For me the lyrics seem to be about holding onto a "youthful/young love feeling".......
......Stay alive sounds more like avoiding what Ken so eloquently posted in detail on my song when referring to growing old old, and grey, and senile, and decrepit, and coughing, and wheezing, and have lost partial bladder control, and be all cranky . . . :mrgreen:

James


   
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(@coolnama)
Prominent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 590
Topic starter  

Here's a link to my PowerPoint web page.
Although I'm retired, my webpage hasn't been taken down yet.
It's just some presentations I came up with to illustrate some topics I taught.
http://teachers.dadeschools.net/krogers/pages/page10/page10.htm
I'm sure you'll really enjoy these . . . (sinister laugh)

How dare you! On a saturday!!!! lol, seriously though, those are pretty cool, better than hers, Ill use yours from now on, its all the same chemistry anyway :D thanks!
Consider "FEEL" instead of "stay".....For me the lyrics seem to be about holding onto a "youthful/young love feeling

:D that was the word I was looking for but could not find thank you ^^

Maybe two more romantic verses and the chorus and finito.
I like this verse a lot:

I still remember the raise in pitch
as you described our love
I still remember the summers
we spent

I liked it alot too, I wasnt sure if you would understand it was her voice that went up in pitch cause idk the passion or something ? lol but I guess its understandable ^^.

Ok I made some changes, more suggestions please :D, its coming along nicely .

I wanna be that guy that you wish you were ! ( i wish I were that guy)

You gotta set your sights high to get high!

Everyone is a teacher when you are looking to learn.

( wise stuff man! )

Its Kirby....


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

It fits ^^
Ah yes the last verse thats because there is a bit of a silence at the end, thats why they are so short ^^, silences are important too :D.
Yeh, I can see how that works . . . I went back and reread it . . .
and if you put a pause in the lyrics . . . but keep the rhythm going
before the last line in each verse . . . it works really well.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Coolnama,
this is good, I like the changes you made "feel" definitely works better.
Maybe two more romantic verses and the chorus and finito.
If this was mine i wouldnt do that I think what you have here is long enough, anymore and you may run the risk of loosing your audience. I like the last verse as it gives closure to the song, well written and well done.

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@coolnama)
Prominent Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 590
Topic starter  

:D what you read was the finito ^^ I originally only had until the second to last chorus.

The 2 more Romantic verses I added were the one about the raindrops, and the last one. It gives closure, sounds nice, and its good.

Wohooo my first finished song!

Now I just need a mic, learn how to sing, and a rocket to fame :D.

I wanna be that guy that you wish you were ! ( i wish I were that guy)

You gotta set your sights high to get high!

Everyone is a teacher when you are looking to learn.

( wise stuff man! )

Its Kirby....


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Wohooo my first finished song!

congrats

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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